Response: A Cross Post in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Recently I wrote something here that I felt would be sexually exhilarating. The comments I received, however, felt… judgmental. Running the gamut between “Looks like some has been watching too much porn!” to “Now that really IS expecting too much from someone!“

If these comments were exclusively made by those who had never read me before? No big deal. No harm, no foul. They don’t know what the situation is. But I received many of these notes from people who know my situation deeply!! Some of these people have been here since the beginning!!

So, let me tell you something. I am getting legally separated from my marriage. A marriage where criticism, judgement, and rejection were my constant daily norm. Where oral sex was forbidden. Where foreplay was exiled to the land of make believe. Where my Wife refused sex 80 months of the 100 we’ve been married. Where the majority of those remaining 20 months required her to be almost incoherently drunk. Where when I would tell her anything I found sexy, I would be met with criticism and derision.
So, first things first? I do not need Prosebox Notes to feel sexually judged, criticized, or belittled. If I wanted that experience, then I wouldn’t need this separation!
Second? I am entering a strange and, let’s face it, scary time for myself. Not only when it comes to trying to navigate adulthood alone (which I have never done before) but also in attempting to discover who I am in an area of my life that was (thought to be) permanently cut off from me. Growing up, I was curious who I was sexually. And that answer came from external sources telling me quite clearly that who I was sexually was “TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE THEN EXPLORE THERE”. So I did. I waited until marriage. And I wanted to explore. I wanted to see who I was sexually. But I was told to wait even longer. My wife didn’t want to explore. My wife didn’t even want me, really. And so I thought… okay, time to resign myself to misery. I’m not the kind of person that is going to bail on a marriage simply because sex is off the table. But… you saw how that whole thing went down. And now I have an opportunity to explore who I am. Which means… NO LONGER will I be apologetic or contrite or obsequious when it comes to the things I want to explore.

Now this site, Prosebox, welcomes all kinds. How many of us are reading someone engaged in an Open Relationship? Polyamory? BDSM? How many of us are reading someone who is actively cheating on their spouse or is involved with a married person? How many of us are reading about people experiencing drug addiction? Or anorexia/bulimia? Or are struggling with their sexual identity? What… they get encouragement and support and I get judgment?

Here are things I know… and sure, let’s call them fetishes. Let’s abandon all pretext and assume that if a person is sexually turned on by something… we’ll call it a fetish.

I like women. I like women under 200 pounds. I like women in leather skirts. I like women in skirts of all kinds. I like women in high heels. I like women in nylons and stockings and pantyhose. I like women in makeup. I like women in lingerie. I like women who are vocal and verbal in their arousal. I like dirty talk. I like assertive women. I like women who can go from elegant in pearls and an evening gown to lustful in a negligee. I like cleavage. I like boobs of all sizes because it isn’t the size of the boob but the sensitivity of the nipple that matters to me. I like the idea of a woman trying to please me sexually as a way of showing me that she gives a damn about my sexual pleasure.

These are things I know. And as I explore the world of sex and sexuality… maybe I’ll discover more things that I like. And I’ll write about them. Maybe I’ll find out that my ideal sexual/emotional relationship is “Princess by day, slut by night”.... maybe I’ll find out that my ideal sexual/emotional relationship is 1950s Retro… maybe I’ll find out that my ideal sexual/emotional relationship is Brat Trainer. Maybe I’ll discover that I have a surprising aptitude for rigging. WHO KNOWS?

The point is, ultimately, that I’m entering a very brand new stage of my life. One that does scare me. One that I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO NAVIGATE! One where everything about it, I was told that I’d never have to worry about. Because I was told that sex was for marriage and marriage was for life. Well, those didn’t pan out. At least not the way that they were “supposed to.” So I need to figure out who I am outside of all of that. I have a fairly good idea who I am as a person. I’m not that interesting, not anymore. I’m a Special Victims Prosecutor living in a small town. I am active in local theater. I enjoy video games, board games, tabletop games, anime, movies, comic books, adult cartoons, and manga. I enjoy martial arts but don’t practice due to my chronic pain condition. I enjoy swimming but don’t have access to a pool year ‘round. I play the cello and I love it; but I have a shit ear so I feel self-conscious playing it. The idea of cosplay excites me, but I’m nervous that I’ll be absolute shit at it or not have enough time to do it properly. I love dogs and have one of my own; though she could definitely stand to get walked more often. I enjoy conversations but I’m not brilliant at starting them. I’d rather a tropical vacation over a wintery vacation and would spend the time alternating between drinking, swimming, reading, and napping. I once had a deeply romantic streak but haven’t had a chance to exercise that in a while and am afraid that it may have atrophied.
So… that is a laundry list of things I enjoy and things I can say about myself. But I do want to learn about the other parts of life and see how those fit in. AND I AM LEGITIMATELY SCARED ABOUT IT. On every aspect.

Will every conversation I have on a dating app be a scam or a bot? (seems that way so far!)
Will the only women that like me be ones I don’t find attractive? (I expect harsh judgment on this going forward. I realize that saying someone “looks like a man” is mean and I realize that saying someone “is about 150 pounds too heavy for me” is a mean thing to say. But then how dare any of you as being attracted to someone is an important thing and going out with someone specifically because you DON’T find them attractive is also a mean thing to do.)
Will the only attractive women that are willing to speak with me also be women currently in committed relationships practicing ethical non-monogamy?
Will I even get to explore my sexual side at all?
Will I explore my sexual side only to discover that I’m not “wild” but that I’m not “plain” thereby cementing me in some limbo where a woman like Martha is “too drab and withholding” but a woman like Victoria is “too much to handle?”

I suppose, as you can see… I’m already thinking a lot about these things. I don’t need people criticizing the things I like, or think I like, or want to see if I like. SURE, I need help. I could use a LOT of guidance. And I’m appreciative of anything people are willing to throw my way.
But there’s a difference between guidance: “If you’re interested in something like this, a good way to bring it up or approach the subject would be....”
versus criticism: “This is stupid, unrealistic, and offensive!”