Haunting in Current Events

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m writing this entry because my reality is a little broken at the moment. I know that I’m awake but my head does not know if I am real. This does not feel real. I woke up because I felt like there was a presence looming over me. A dark one. I felt half asleep. I was just dreaming about coming in second place to a young woman in a mini marathon. I gave that race my all and I was just so impressed that she outran me. I gave her a high five as I crossed the finish line just one moment after her. Fuck yas, good job! I’ve never lost a race before! I said to her. She was so proud, it was her first race. I was so happy for her as I moved to the sidelines so she could enjoy her moment. For the record, it’s true that I’ve never lost a race before. Suddenly I’m in my room, laying in bed half awake. Half of my face felt covered. I felt like I was holding something in my hand. I could hear Bev’s voice in my head talking about something. Lemons? Then I felt like somebody was standing beside my bed looking over at me. My eyes were closed, I was half awake and I knew where I was but I was still half asleep. As if the veil between two worlds became thin? I am divinely guided, I am I started saying to myself in my head repeatedly. Then I started to fall more asleep. My mind kept trying to dream but a man would appear in a doorway with his hands on his hips. He had a Mennonite hat on but wore all black. I would wake up in another dream and he would be there again, standing in a doorway. The doorway was never between rooms, it wasn’t even in a room. It was kind of in front of the dream like a screensaver or something. Dark energy you are not welcome here! I said out loud softly. I am divinely protected and you are not welcome here. I continued. Then in the darkness, a faint light blue orb with little shimmering rays appeared. It was faint. It looked like the phospenes you see when your eyes are closed but it was real looking. It’s what I saw right when I was finally able to open my eyes. Then I heard my computer chair crunch by the weight of my cat. Then I heard tiny footsteps upstairs, like somebody sneaking around and I thought to myself that must be my cat too? I turned the lamp on that’s on my nightstand because my room was pitch black. I got up to remove the box I put over my little basement window to let more light in. I drank some water from the copper pitcher that I have on my desk and then I made my way to the bathroom. I noticed that my nephew was awake in his crib. He sounded happy. I returned to my room and I feel a need to type because everything still feels like a dream. Schizophrenia? I feel like that energy or spirit or whatever it was in my imagination was related to Bev.

Saturday morning I woke up and through all of the thoughts happening in my head one kept standing out. I am that, I am. Those words crossed my mind throughout my morning and then I saw a light at the corner of my eye. Not a shadow as usual but a physical light. I started to tear up which was weird because I suddenly felt loved and guided in that moment. Then I was compelled to ask the World Wide Web what I am that, I am meant. The answers I got I will save for another day. Long story short, in the story of Moses and his call to free Gods people he asked God and who do I say sent me unto them? God answered I am that, I am. The comma is not used in scripture but it changes everything. God is infinite, he has no name. He is everything and he is everywhere. He is not in us, we are in him. He flows through us. He is source. Saying I am announces the presence of him inside you. You state what you are and his power creates it for you. The second I am is the answered prayer. It’s like an affirmation tool, a manifestation tool (manna?). We wake up with a blank mind. Then our memories start to flood in and tell us stories like I am stressed, I am poor, I am not healthy, I am depressed and that creates you and your reality for the day. If we can clear our contaminated consciousness we can connect to our higher selves and use I am that, I am to create a better reality. I am happy, i am healthy, I am successful etc and it will come to be. Only if you make that 18 inch journey to the kingdom of heaven, connecting your head to your heart should you be able to wield the power of God, or source, or consciousness or whatever we want to call it. A Holy Spirit is just a spirit that is whole. I’m not a Christian but when I learned of the Moses code here it blew my mind. I’ll save it for another day.

Last updated December 09, 2019