Stopping in ❅journal 2019❅

I don’t know what to do.

I want to stop losing weight because I do t want to die. But my thoughts keep going back to everything, to all the work I’ve put in. I told people I’d stop but immediately I felt guilty and gross, like I was lying. Everything looks and feels wrong. My body is cold and hurts and shakes a lot but I feel like a weight a ton. I’m so hungry, I want to cry but the thought of eating makes me think all the work I need to do.

Instead of eating I could be doing my Hiragana practice. Instead of eating I can start my french lesson early. I could be reoarganzing my diary archive again. I could be updating my self help group’s blog. I could be finishing my html practice. I could be doing so much more than eating. Finish the Cherynobl mini series. Study early for exams. Finally use that SAT prep textbook I bought for five books months ago. I can write something. I could do anything but eat and I guess. I guess I will just this once.