loser loser double loser in Current Events

Psychosis? Or spiritual awakening? I kept myself up until four in the morning because I could not turn my brain off. I haven’t filled my prescription yet that my doctor gave me. It doesn’t feel right to take it… even though my brain is begging me to take a bullet to make it stop. I feel desperate for everything to just stop. These energies and thoughts are too dense, I need to control them. They’re controlling me. Even right now I know that I am not in control. My fear and anxieties are. Coming to Prosebox to complain is one of the ways that I create a false sense of control. I just sit here and type and complain instead of doing anything to make my life better.

I’m probably not even going to leave the house today. I have a list of seven places that I want to apply to. I e-mailed my resume to two of them last night and I will probably just e-mail the rest because the thought of leaving the house makes my heart hurt. My heart hurts because my brain hurts. Everything hurts, to be honest. My anxiety and depression are winning today. I know it is because I drank last night. That choice leads to the same experiences and I knew better.

I don’t know where my support system is. Who my support system is? I felt so alone yesterday and I tried to reach out to people but I think that we’ve outgrown each other. Bev is the only person that is supportive. Honestly, I feel like the universe paired us up together to be each other’s support system. Her life is in chaos as well and I was there for her when she came back to Winnipeg. I think the reason I am so stressed is that I am not being honest with everybody in my life. They all think that I am fine. I need help, I need support. If I opened up and asked for help I would probably get it.

On the job front, I asked Danielle to help me apply at the thrift store she works at. I asked Nathan if his shop is hiring and if he could put in a good word for me also. I hope something comes of that. I should go get some groceries because I haven’t been eating well but I can’t bring myself to move. Ugh.