Immediate Thoughts in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Everyone just left.

“J.D” and “Julia” and Remus and Victoria and Remus and Victoria’s children just left.

And how would I assess the evening?

I suppose I would call it a success. It certainly appeared that everyone had an enjoyable time. There was laughter and discussion and jokes and bonding.

So tell me… why do I feel like an outsider?

JD and Julia were.... romantic… but not excessively so. Remus and Victoria were… themselves. They clearly share a deep love for each other and for their children. And yet; also clearly demonstrate a genuine affection and appreciation to others in a romantic sense.

As I expected… I find Remus to be… a fascinating conundrum. Very much like me in many extremely important ways. Very much different from me in many extremely important ways. Genuinely like… an interesting This Universe multi-verse form.

I still don’t know if Victoria finds me attractive after the haircut and shave. I still don’t know if Victoria or Remus would be willing to help me explore the world without being so tightly wound.

All I know is… I had a reasonable amount of fun tonight and I do hope that everyone enjoyed themselves. Right now… that is enough for me. But the truth is- it won’t always be. I sense the feeling of outsider. The One Uncoupled. The One Unable to Let Go. I sense it.

And I’ll tell you what… it is enough to make me re-think a thing or two. I’m still going to go ahead with the Separation. Obviously. I mean… I’ve been miserable for how many years?! There’s no way I would back out of this now. But… it does make me doubt my potential success in the future. I mean… in some ways… how could I not? Tonight, I was hanging out with the only 4 people in this entire county who I know socially who are not also married to me. All 4 of them are in committed, if unique, relationships. Yes, one of the women may want to fuck me… but I think we all know I need more in my life than a good shag. I mean, hell. This week proves that. So far I am 4 for 4 on shitty days at the office. And not just shitty days of, “I made a mistake and people were mad.” I’m talking shitty days of “Someone expressly demanded that I break the law; I refused; and now I’ve been getting harassed by powerful people.”

The truth is… I need a relationship in my life where I feel emotionally supported. My marriage wasn’t that because in every way I was feeling deeply neglected. Pathfinder isn’t that because… I’m the “new guy” and “the outsider”… not to mention “the old guy” and “the guy with money.” And as sexual and gorgeous as Victoria is? There is no emotional there. She specifically stated that if anything happened between us it would be because she wanted to know if she could be Friends With Benefits to someone.

And sure. Maybe I do need to learn how to be FWB. Maybe I do really need to learn to loosen up, relax, and not worry so much. That would be great to learn. But it is honestly one of those skill sets that is not naturally within me. I honestly don’t know how to… exude sexuality, be charming, be laid back. I am… an intense guy… living an intense life.

I don’t know. I just.... as much fun as tonight was… it wasn’t what I expected. And honestly, I would love to be the guy that could fuck Victoria, learn how to go with the flow from Remus, and really come into my own sexually and in relationships. But I… I just don’t see that happening.

Mostly… I see a 35 year old man… trying to hang out with 26 year olds… and he’s drinking too much and wondering why he can’t live a life of joy or pleasure.