Why James, Why? in Holy Shit!

Does anyone remember when I brought that guy back from the party at Leo’s house in Wooloongabba like 4-5 years ago? I dunno, I lose track of time. I’d have to find the entry. He was drunk and literally laying all over me, kissing me, being extremely affectionate, and I’d totally only just met the guy. Leo and Reece were a couple at the time (Reece being my ex-housemate) and Reece had invited me so I went along. His boyfriend Leo was lovely (but has since left Reece for a girl so they no longer talk, but that’s a story for another day).
Anyway, both Reece and Leo were encouraging me to take this guy back home to my place, but I wasn’t sure because I felt so bad picking up a guy at my friend’s house at the time! But with their blessing, I did so. I was nervous as (if anyone remembers) but I did so, and he ended up being probably the best sex I’d had in years, if ever. The boy had skills and knew how to reverse-cowboy like nothing I’d ever seen, or felt before, his gorgeous muscled bubble-ass bringing me to orgasm without me even having to fantasize or anything like I normally have to.
We actually hooked up twice - the second time happening a few weeks later I think it was.
But then he moved to London, you know, to live a life of luxury, as a lot of gay boys do.
Muscled, tanned, bubble-butt, flirtacious, great personality - he’d have a great time.

Well, anyway, today is his birthday, so I sent him a Facebook message to wish him so, and just left a smiley. Anyway, I didn’t think anything of it. He was back in Brisbane a few months ago and we’d planned to catch up again but it just didn’t happen or the timing wasn’t right and then the day came around that we were meant to catch up and when I asked if he was still coming, he said that he’d had to look after his nieces and nephews instead, so we didn’t catch up, and next thing I knew he’d flown back to London (where he’s lived the past few years).

I got a message request from someone who isn’t a Facebook friend, and I initially thought it was just spam, but I kind of recognized the name as someone from my city’s gay scene but I’ve just never met them, so I opened it and saw the first part of the message. It read, “James passed away…”
I sat there in shock. I opened the message up. “James passed away. Just thought you should know.”

I clicked on his facebook page and scrolled down. Sure enough, the message from his dad, posted 6 weeks ago, about how he didn’t have answers.
Fuck me. Six damn weeks ago James passed away, and I didn’t even know. Pretty sure I’m on Facebook every day. Yet the Facebook algorithm or however it works neglected to even inform me that he had passed away. I would have thought people would have posted stuff on his wall sending their condolences and normally when people do that, it comes up on my newsfeed, but NOPE. Nothing.
And now I feel angry and confused and I think a little bit upset, but I’m not crying. I wondered why I’m not crying and I then thought bad about not crying, so I shed a bit of a tear, but it felt kind of forced. The shock is real though. I had no idea. I didn’t know the guy had issues, or if he had issues or if it was an accident or what.
I was inside this guy. Orgasmed inside him. Twice. And that’s pretty rare for me. In a strange way, it makes me feel like he was a bit special to me. Even though upon the initial meeting when he was drunk and all over me, I was pretty intimidated as no-one had ever been that full-on with me before. Maybe it was a way of him coping with whatever? It certainly was strange. We flirted via messenger sometimes after he moved overseas.
And now this guy’s dead. In London. Just like Lucas back in the day. Lucas was a guy I knew from my church (back when I used to go, so a long time ago now) who was meant to meet his mates for brunch in London, but never showed up, so they went around to his apartment and found him dead on the floor. No answer was ever given as to how he died. I went to his memorial in Toowoomba. I still see his younger brother Zac around sometimes at family events. Maybe London does something to people? My friend Matt lives there and seems to love it. I thought it was a pretty cool city myself. I guess we just don’t know anyone’s mental state or what they do in their private lives. His Facebook was a lot of travelling to Hungary and pictures of his plants.
I feel pretty stupid and shocked. That’s the only way to describe how I feel right now.