Focus in Current Events

I am trying so hard to be calm right now. My hands are just shaking right now. Did I have too much coffee? Is it because I fell asleep hungry and then woke up hungry and then waited six hours before I ate something? Is it because it is cold in this house right now? Is it because this is the week all of my preauthorized withdrawals will bounce? Is it because I have everything riding on the one place I applied at? Is it because I don’t have a plan b so my depression has me not wanting to live? Is it because I am in desperate need of some space and time alone but I live with somebody who is on maternity leave? Is it because I am cranky and everything has me triggered? At my iPhone for being stupid! At Indeed for being stupid! At myself for being stupid and weak! Is it because I am mad at myself for drinking again? Is it because I am back to obsessing over what happened at my last job? Is it because last night my body image issues came to the surface and I fell asleep hating myself for being ugly? Is it because I don’t know how to tell anybody that I am out of money and I can’t pay my rent? I am trying so hard not to lose it right now. To have some faith here. To have hope that this situation is temporary. Stop telling yourself stories. Stop telling yourself that you need this and that to be happy. You can just be happy. Somebody on IG said that and I have experienced that state a few times within the last few weeks so I know it is possible. It’s just easier to have faith in something when you can pay your bills! I’ve never been in this far off track before and I am trying so hard not to feel desperate.

I just called Vita and the manager stepped out and won’t be back until 2. So now I have to sit in suspense. I’m on the verge of a panic attack and I can’t collect my thoughts. I keep playing this upcoming conversation with that manager in my head and she keeps rejecting me and telling me that she is not hiring. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure of it. Why does my mind always want to emotionally prepare myself for the worst-case scenario every single time? I’m feeling rejected and I haven’t even been rejected! That hasn’t actually happened! My life hasn’t completely fallen apart either! My mind is like, hey let’s get a head start on feeling this despair. I need to chill. I am thinking too big. I just need to focus on the next step which is to call Vita back in an hour.

Follow
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Success

Edit
I finally got a hold of that manager. She just filled her positions this week. I waited too long. She got a little hostile when I tried to push for an interview. She reacted weirdly when she looked at my resume. She said that she won’t be hiring until January. I can’t wait that long. There are two other locations I can try, they’re a bit of a drive so I dunno… there is one in my old neighbourhood but it’s too ghetto now and my city has never had it so bad for robberies. The other one that is kind of near me is in the snobby part of the city and they are not answering their phone so I dunno.

Edit
Now with this fire lit under my ass I discovered that pretty much every retail business in my area is suddenly looking for assistant managers. I applied for three so far, one of which I don’t really want because it is a pet store… I’m too vegan to be discarding dead hamsters. I have a list of seven other stores that I will drop my resume off at tomorrow morning first thing. I’ve embraced this chaos lol

Last updated December 05, 2019