This is not time sensitive in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Oh my dear dear friends;

I write this after consuming sufficient quantities of alcohol and after reading Martha’s “Thanksgiving Note.” She says she loves me. She says she is thankful for all of the support I’ve given her and that my family has given her. And the fleeting 5% of my heart that still lives in the past says, “I absolve you of your transgressions and pray for your soul upon your new path.” But the rest of me? Says “Sod the fuck off, ye harpy!” Not in a rage, honestly. Not in anger. But just… as a declarative statement. I mean… fuck. After all; everything I have wanted to do either romantic or sexual has been met with derision the whole time. I know for a fact that I mentioned how my wife was confused and repulsed at the idea that “I’m wet” was a turn on. I’ve mentioned how my wife refuses blow jobs. I’m sure I’ve mentioned how my wife refuses to allow me to eat her? Have I mentioned how my wife looked at me with disgust and scorn when I suggested she tie me up? Have I mentioned how my wife rolled her eyes and mocked me when I said that the idea of getting her pregnant was hot? Have I mentioned how the first time I tried to do something romantic for her (candlelit dinner, soft music, her favorite food) she laughed at me because, according to her, I was “trying too hard?”

I mean… Martha has proved time and time again that she has ZERO interest in sex and ZERO interest in Romance. So why does she still refuse to accept/embrace or even FACE the fact that she may be an aromantic asexual hetero-normative female?! Well, the answer to that is obvious, really. Being “aromantic” isn’t a real thing for her. She simply thinks (and has often stated) that she is simply “too pragmatic for romantic or emotional gestures.” Sure. Fine. But the fact that you don’t appreciate, respond, or care about them certainly seems to SUGGEST you are “aromantic.” Yeah? And the idea of being asexual? Well, she isn’t entirely certain that such a perspective is even a real thing. After all… doesn’t everyone have a sex drive on some level? And if someone has any amount of sex drive; they couldn’t possibly be asexual, right?!

Well?? Uhm.... I’ve discussed this a number of times before but as the “husband” I guess I’m not a respected authority despite the fact that my religion, philosophy, and legal education technically (and literally) dwarfs EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL WORKER THERAPIST MARTHA HAS SEEN IN THE LAST 4 YEARS. But legitimately… if having a sexual relationship with your husband is met with intense objection… or you feel the need to consume massive amounts of alcohol before finding sexual expression acceptable… or you genuinely believe that having sex more than 6 times a year is being “too demanding”… then… yeah.... I’d say that counts as a person who is asexual. And I cannot stress this enough. I cannot say this loud enough or repeatedly enough. If Martha is asexual and aromantic… I’M OKAY WITH THAT! I grew up with kids whose parents divorced because of “sexual identity issues.” FUCK, our magistrate’s wife divorced him when she embraced that she was a lesbian. So.... genuinely… I’m okay with the idea that I am a passionate heterosexual and my wife is a dedicated asexual. Yet… she refuses to accept that “asexual” is even a legitimate thing. So it isn’t as “straight forward” as it should be. If Martha simply woke up and said, “You know… you’re right. I don’t think sex is important to a relationship. So I suppose.... I don’t need a sexual relationship to be happy.” FINE. Then I could say, “I appreciate and accept that. I am different. I waited for many years to even engage in a sexual relationship because I wanted to dedicate that to my wife. YET since being married… my wife has had no respect; no interest; no desire to engage in a healthy sexual relationship with me. Therefore, it is healthiest for us both to part ways.”

Fast Forward a bit. I think I have found the thing in all of this marriage separation that does genuinely make me angry. This was all a massive surprise to Martha. This blindsided her. And that makes me angry. Because 5 years ago, I said that we should get divorced due to the heavy misery I was feeling from being in a Romance-less sexless marriage. Martha promised we would get it all resolved and begged me to stay. And I did. Five years later… after moving multiple times to try to find a city she didn’t blame… thousands of dollars on therapists (both her individual and us couples counseling)… her leaving Wal Mart, her leaving Pioneer, her being a stay at home wife, and now her being g a student… after everything I/she/we have done… and the problem NEVER getting resolved or even getting significantly better… her shock is upsetting. Because it makes me think that (1) she never intended to improve and/or (2) she expected me to just stick around and take it forever without her doing any work. I get that life was fantastic for her… money, resources, never taking care of herself, never being required to connect with her husband… I get why her life was going great. But the idea that she couldn’t understand or chose not to listen as I voiced my dissatisfaction and misery? She… is clearly incapable of considering my feelings, my needs, or even listening to me when I am trying to bring her attention to those things. And, yeah. That is starting to get a bit upsetting.

Here is a funny example of something.
Today is a lazy day. Doing laundry, hanging out with family, watching football, reading a book, and taking naps. And I noticed something… missing. But… missing in a good way.

I don’t hear a voice complaining that she is bored, trying to make me think of something to do, trying to get me to go shopping. Martha isn’t here trying to get me to keep her from getting bored. And that is nice. Being able to just nap or read or relax without worrying about if Martha is entertained. That is certainly something I am appreciating.

And so ends Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Tomorrow, I shall run some errands and likely return home. I will drink, I will play video games, I will attempt to get myself in a semi-care free headspace. Because December will hold many concerns.

Sunday, Martha and I begin “the logistics conversation.” I am honestly worried about the financial aspects. True, Martha certainly CAN get a job and pay her own way… but the law typically sees a Lawyer and an Unemployed Woman and tells the lawyer that he is required to financially support her. So… those conversations start December 1.

Plus… y’know… the job. Depositions, trials, and all the problems of everyone else in my community that fall to me.

So… for all the reasons I can think of… prayers for December.