I had a dream last night in Riverdale

I had a dream last night

So last night again I had a dream about an ex.

One I went to school with three years ago and that currently lives next door to me. Who I see periodically.

He physically attacked me.

I never talked to him again.

One of the last times I saw him a few months back he apologized and all that. But I still don't trust him.

Anyways. I hate the feeling that I am going to see him yet I love it. Because I guess a part of me holds onto who he was before he freaked out on me and showed the monster he was. Which was very quick into the relationship. So it was quite easy to leave him and seeing him every day at school made it hard and easy because I didn't have time away from him to miss him and idealize but it still was hard because he tried hard to get me back. And still kind of does when he sees me.

But anyways I dreamt about him again. Except he was overweight and balding and ugly and old looking. And I wasn't attracted to him but we were together never less a bit. We were lying together again and I was naked and our hands were touching and than he slowly went to put his hand on my breast. In the dream I was uneasy with being with him again. I wanted to like him again out of nostalgia and all that but I was uncomfortable with the Position I put myself into again. As he slowly went towards my breast I woke up. Perfect timing.

I woke up with a sense of relief that he didn't get that far with me and a sense if nostalgia and peace and a relief that it was a dream and that he doesn't actually look like that really although the last time I saw him he didn't look that good. It was weird I guess.

Three years is a long time. And to be put back in his vicinity is weird. It's like there was unfinished business. But I almost think his apology even if I don't completely accept it in my heart was all the closure needed really and now it's this awkward dragging on of worrying and watching to see if I see him or bump into him as I walk to and from my house. It's like it's all done. There's nothing left to say really. There's no more wondering. So why are you still around me? Why do I have to be subjected to this scrutiny and worry danger and weirdness.

Anyways I finished another week of my my course it is almost done. Three more weeks I am getting worried. One because I am struggling with my life my moods my energy depression anxiety and relationships still and I don't feel completely ready to work or look for work. On the other hand I need money a sense of purpose and direction and a future. Two I don't know where to start the program is not really guiding us to anything substantial in terms of jobs leads especially for me really.

I just am carrying so much fucking baggage and I am scared. I mean I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning and i just get so moody and depressed and anxious sometimes.

I want a job I need a job but I also don't want to feel this pressure and I don't wanna feel completely stifled by it all. I am not getting enough supprt I general lately to be able to feel confident and in the zone to look for work.

All I can do is hope that the weather changes and gets nicer because that is a huge contributing factor and that my mood and all that and I get more individual supprt for my life in general and job leads at least.

I don't wanna stress out too much about it yet because I really am just trying to live day to day and survive and cope with all my symptoms and life things that are getting thrown ate too fast.

I honesty don't wanna be this stress case about it because in the grand scheme of things these little things are just that little and won't matter in five years or less. I hate when everyone around me is just a wreck about everything and try to put that attititude and mentality onto me

Compared to how my life was before this is a cake walk in some parts. I don't wanna sweat all these little practical life things just to cause myself health problems.

I wanna enjoy life do things on my own terms as much as I can. Do what works for me. I am tired of being controlled and told how to act when to do things blah blah blah especially since most of these people could care less about me as a person and are only out for themselves not because it has some great benefit for me.

I would be more motivated if my life was just alittle bit easier and I had a bit more supprt. Those mongrels will just have to wait until I can and am ready to deal with them I will not let people get under my skin and make me jump when they say jump.

It's about peace of mind calmness and survival for me.

Me first no one else.