OCD, ADHD, ACDC, ETC in Ground Control

[Current Mindstorm] I need to clean but I need to change clothing to be able to clean but I need to shower to change clothes but cleaning will make the shower pointless because it’s filthy.

[Possibilities] I won’t clean unless I’m changed into real clothing, and I won’t do that unless I shower first. Shower could also lead to a long due hygiene checkup, lotion for dry patches, scrubbing retail callused feet, etc. It could also lead to me taking my overdue testosterone shot, as I will be clean. It could also lead to intimacy.

[Lotion] I can’t do those things if I go straight into cleaning after showering and changing. I’m not about to put on lotion and decent pants and start walking and kneeling. I can’t stand the feeling of lotion on fabric. I don’t even like when the air hits it, but I really need it right now. Retail has my hands, knees, and elbows parched and about to crack. My lotion smells like cedar, though. I ordered it online because I needed that kind of incentive to actually use it.

[Boil it Down] Either way, I really need that shower. It’s the common starting point between both paths in the fork in the road.

[XXX] Intimacy makes me feel guilty lately because I am self conscious of my weight right now. I’m twenty to thirty points over my healthy point and I can feel it everywhere. Physical therapy is giving my muscles, though, in my upper back and shoulders, places I’ve never built them before. I’m also worried that it’s keeping my hip and back pinched/junked up, but that’s not even close to stopping me, that part is whatever. I’m also late on my T shot, so I don’t have that chemical motivator to push me beyond the insecurities. I can’t stop obsessing over the weight, I just don’t feel like myself.

[Rationality] I could just shower twice. That really fucks with my head, though. What person just showers twice. It’d be less ignorant to go change, clean, shower, and then the rest. I can’t stand the thought of changing into clothes being filthy, though. I just can’t do it. I do have to change, too. What I’m wearing is filthy and too hot if I start moving around, even though it’s a bit cool out here in the garage. Besides, I’ve gone free boulder under this top and I need a bra to be able to function sanely. If I am moving around without one, every tiniest motion of chest fat shifting or jiggling is all my brain will let me focus on.

[TMI] You know, I go back and forth on whether to keep my chest or not. I can’t express how badly I want them gone. I even want the post-surgical scars because they tell an important story. However, I saw an FTM porn star who was a fine young man that happened to have tits and it was kind of awesome. I could see myself that way, maybe. I don’t get the immediate urge to die and take the world with me when I see myself naked like I did in my teens, so I mean, I could probably keep them and not die unhappy about it. It makes cross dressing fun, too, although it makes that word a little more of a stretch than it should be. I actually really want to cross dress flat chested, though. I just really like the way pretty clothes sit on a flat, flat chest. I really need to stop binding, though, before it causes massive problems, so I think the arguments are heavily in favor of lopping them off. It’s probably a good part of the reason I’m in physical therapy for my neck/thoracic outlet syndrome.

[Regrets] These clearance candy canes are amazing. They’re hawaiian punch flavors. I wish I’d bought all of them now, they were something like 25 cents to 50 cents for a box of twelve. I’ve got to limit myself or I’ll eat the whole box, so I’m stopping at three, one or each… they’re classic red, lemon berry squeeze, and polar blast. They’re surprisingly better as a candy than as a drink.

[Accidental Gym Membership] I didn’t know I was being referred to a gym when the doctor sent me to a physical therapist. I mean, it’s a clinic, but it has a gym and a pool in it. I keep having to do a handful of exercises and stretches for my posture while they work on my neck/rib. Apparently the first rib is small and up pretty high, behind the collar bone. There’s a nerve that runs down your arm but winds between the collar bone and first rib before starting its journey. It likes to get stuck/pinched/inflamed right there and stop getting necessary fluids. That’s thoracic outlet syndrome. It makes the arms down to the hands go numb or downright hurt. He’s been mobilizing the rib by having me lay down, tilting my head, and pressing around the top of my shoulder until he finds it and then gently moving it up and down. He got my right one to chain pop after the third visit or so. It felt more like grinding cartilage, to be honest. I felt the grinding pop from under the collar bone and down through my upper arm. I haven’t had numbness in my arm and hand since, though. My left arm is acting up worse, though, so we’re working on that.

[ADHD] I seriously think I have ADHD but I don’t know who to see about that and if I should. I know there are cons, but there are pros, too. I’m worried that a lot of my creative ideas are tied to my constant swapping attention spans in my head from thought to thought, idea to idea. I like that halfway through a sentence, I’ll have lost my mind to this thought of the linguistic origin of a syllable that was just said and wondering if it evolved that way with this vowel vs. that vowel for whatever reason. Someone can be explaining why they’re asking me where a light bulb is and I’m preoccupied rewriting the English language and constructing my own in my head, full throttle, like someone whose getting ready to write a thesis for a linguistics degree. Then I’ll be imagining what English sounds like to a person whose never heard it before, then I’ll be thinking about the Sims, then I’ll be thinking about what buffs and debuffs I would have if I was looking at myself through Sims UI at the given moment and what the area would look like through overhead view, then I’d get lost goofing around, making up mood modifiers and naming them for awhile, before going full speed back into deconstructing the English language again, for no reason. It’s like that in my head 24/7, even without stimulation, although my OCD medicine has slowed my thoughts a little bit.

[Speaking of] I was just telling my therapist last time that I am writing, plotting, drawing in my head 24/7. Absolutely everywhere I’ve been and everything I’ve learned has been funneled into my created worlds in some way or another. I have–without exaggerating at all–revisited the same scene in my head multiple times a day for over a year because I still haven’t gotten the tiniest of details right yet. It’s such an important scene. I think I’ve rambled about it before. It’s downright obsession, I know it, and it’s probably an invasive thought, but it’s not a bad one. I do envision other scenes in between.

[Mirapex] I think my sleep medicine makes me crave sugar. I’ve been craving the sweetest shit since I was put on it. I’ve never had a sweet tooth, either. Even my DNA test trait section said I’m more likely to prefer salty to sweet. As a kid, I was addicted to bitter and sour. I’m sure it hasn’t been helping me with my weight.

[Ugh] I hate being on medications. Five pills a night right now. That’s more reason to avoid getting checked out for ADHD. I don’t want to take more shit. I can’t handle taking anything on time as it is, even the most important one (to me) the Testosterone. I don’t need anything added to that. The moment I get put on a medicine to prevent stroke or heart attack is the day I’m going to accidentally kill my damn self.

[Coast is Clear] I think everyone’s gone for work now, I should be clear to take a shower. Let’s get this shitshow started and see what happens.