Sexy Warnings and More in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

This may be a bit of a long read. Just fair warning.

When I came home, I expected the same thing I have encountered when coming home for the past infinity months. I was even grumbling internally over it because it still surprises me that Wife is shocked about where we are. But when I opened the door, I was greeted by an excited Nala. Well… that is the same thing but it is a good thing. Then I saw my Wife. She was wearing leggings and one of my button up shirts. Note: it was all the way buttoned so it wasn’t like “sexy wearing” of the shirt… so I was confused. Then she asked if she could come close to me. Sure. She kissed me, peck on the lips, twice… but a lingering kiss. Significantly more lingering than any kiss she’s given me in the last 6 months! Enough to raise a semi-erection. When she was finished, she admitted that she had been really nervous to do that. Then I asked her why she was wearing my shirt. To which she responded simply with, “I was trying to do a thing.”

So that is The Action. What is my mental and emotional response?

The first reaction is surprise. I’m surprised that she did that at all.
The second reaction is anger. Because honestly… think about it. Emotional and Physical lack of connection has been something I’ve been talking about FOREVER. And a passionate “welcome home” of any type has been entirely lacking; completely absent. Not to be found. AND YET start following through on Separation and Divorce and… what ho, my first return from work since so saying and we have (1) me being greeted at the door (a rarity); (2) Wife acting like she is happy to see me (a rarity); and (3) Wife greeting me with something even bordering on passion (a never happened)? Hrm. Suspicious in timing. Because where has this slight hint of interest in me been hiding?? The last time we even came close to seeing it was in Hawaii.
Third Reaction: This is just me being a jerk, but I’m embracing it because I’m considering what Wife did tonight to be a type of intentional manipulation. She couldn’t bring herself to go for broke. I’m sorry… if you think that you have to save your marriage and your one shot is to seduce your husband.... are you going to “wear one of his shirts over leggings and kiss him closed mouth for a few seconds?” Is that how you try to convince him to stay after 8 years of celibacy? Really? Or… maybe… would you wear an outfit that you know he finds sexy and take the “kiss opportunity” to knock his fucking sucks off?

It just… her actions feel… selfish… manipulative… like she’s trying to keep CHANGE from happening. They don’t feel authentic… heartfelt… like she’s trying to keep her marriage intact. And even worse? It feels like she’s still trying to figure out the mathematics behind it. Like… it isn’t “I’m going to give it my best shot, here goes nothing” but that it is still more of “Okay, how much do I have to give to get my way? 5%? No. Didn’t work. 10%?” And obviously… I’m over it. I find my wife attractive. I would like to have sex (as it has been quite a while) but… yeah. I’m going to be the asshole that, if she offers herself, I will say “This doesn’t change my mind. I won’t say no to you. But this doesn’t change my mind.”

Well, I suppose I should have seen this coming. In fact, the reality that I didn’t see this coming makes me think that I underestimated my Wife. She seems to be content living life as we always have. Which… um.... duh, buddy. That was the whole God damned point. What you consider to be an emotional misery of a marriage, your wife considers to be Status Quo. So… the very idea of you coming home… making dinner… watching TV… playing with the dog… while your Wife simply… exists in the same space.... YOU think of that as “disconnected non-relationship bullshit” while your wife considers it “business as usual, he didn’t really mean Separation.” So… I have had to remind her several times over the evening that… yes, I do mean separation… yes, I do consider her an asexual… and yes, I do consider our marriage over. Obviously, she has not been happy… but I can see… honestly… scheming in her eyes. The concept that she can “live here without worry” for “as long as she needs to” provided she “play her cards right.” But the truth is? My understanding and tolerance end in a scant few weeks. I will not suffer her presence here for beyond December’s end. There is a reason why I have stated that our association should end and it is NOT because I want more space in the damned bed. The fact of the matter is? I have 98% more chance of getting a blow job, a french kiss, a hand job, or a lick on my fucking neck.... by advertising on Craig’s List than I do simply staying with my wife. And that means something to me. I mean for fuck sake. My wife has blown 16 guys… she has had anal sex… she was pregnant and got an abortion… and yet… all I have ever asked from her… is an emotional connection… and sex more than 4 times a year… and in our 14 years of being together that is too much for her?! For fucking serious!?!?! No. No. No. I’m sorry. I get that she is reacting to the concept that she is losing her home, her meal ticket, her dog, and her easy life.... but no. I’m done. Sorry!

Let’s just end the Wife focused parts of this all at once and then I can return to the other… more sexually expressive… items.

This morning, I was in great physical pain. Honestly… it is to be expected. The weather turns colder… my body is more rigid. My emotional stress is increased… my body is less capable of adapting to the cold. Throw these two factors together and… I am going to have more pain flare ups. So I called work and told them I would be a few hours late as I needed to essentially defrost my body. Either a giant blanket burrito (which I tried and is stupid… I sweat, I get cold.) THUS the only thing that has ever really worked: hot, wet. Hydrotherapy tub. For a few hours. But as I was in there… it seemed that Wife didn’t know I had stayed home. I wasn’t eavesdropping but I certainly heard things. She was on the phone with her mother. Sobbing. Crying. Discussing how she didn’t go to class yesterday and likely wouldn’t be going today because “sobbing through class wouldn’t be appropriate.” Then they started talking about her medication. She needs meds for stress and ADHD. Her stress meds ran out and she needs more. But, in typical her fashion she isn’t solving the immediate problem and taking care of that. No no. She’s looking into the future to process a problem that hasn’t even presented itself yet. She’s worried about how she is going to afford her medications without insurance. THIS makes me think I need to have the logistics conversation with her tonight. I was delaying it until after Thanksgiving as I wanted to let her process the sudden and upsetting information first; but if she is already processing insurance and those concerns… then we need to talk about the specific legal differences between Separation and Divorce.

Brief Primer:
A legal separation still involves one spouse moving out of the primary residence, still involves child custody and child support, still involves spousal support and division of property. BUT a separation does not legally dissolve the marriage. Therefore, tax incentives and health insurance remain intact. This could be good and/or acceptable for us if the health insurance remains. It depends on each insurance provider. THE DOWNSIDE to the process of legal separation is that it does not act “in place of” a divorce. If divorce is ultimately reached, the filings will need to still be carried out. ALSO a legal separation does not dissolve the marriage and the marriage is still legally in effect. THEREFORE, to protect myself against any potential claims of infidelity or adultery during a legal separation; I would require that the legal separation document(s) expressly include a provision whereby “the undersigned parties recognize that during such time of separation, each party is allowed to pursue other partners and such activity will not be used as punishment, collateral, or evidence of wrongdoing should a divorce or contested divorce hearing be needed in the future.” Something to that effect.

So, maybe I’ll need to have that conversation with her tonight. She got off the phone. I got out of the tub and got ready for work. She was… numb, hair a mess, face buried in a pillow, blanket wrapped around her, the TV off. The absolute look and reaction of her as seen with Pioneer Labs and Adopting Nala. This is very much the metathesiophobia shut down. Which… glad I checked. Since she is “completely shutting down”; Nala hadn’t been given any food or water yet. Granted, she isn’t a huge morning eater but… again, very much the evidence of a woman who cannot take care of herself nor take care of anything else. Which acts as a reminder and motivator for me. While my heart goes out to her that she is experiencing this shut down; it acts as confirmation that… I need an adult woman. I don’t need a 40 year old child that I have to take care of, that considers emotional and physical connection to be optional aspects of a marital relationship. I absolutely feel for her because she’s going through something painful. But I am also feeling somewhat hopeful that, through this process, this is the last Total Shutdown Due To Life I’ll ever have to go through again.

Now, if you’ll allow me the privilege, I would like to transition into topics less… pain and sorrow and more… at least potentially… fun and exciting.

So, first, let us start with Victoria. Sorry, I took a long pause there after that sentence enjoying the visual of her in my head. Such a beauty! Anyway…

I shall first speak of past things, then present, then future.

(1) When we went out for drinks the other night, I found myself falling back into… shall we say… old nervous habits. In High School everyone assumed I was gay. So when discussing sexual things or “naughty things” I merely adopted the role of the “Gay Guy.” And I found myself falling back into that with Victoria. Foolish as she has already explicitly told me that she would be interested in having sex with me. But “The Gay Guy” tends to be sassy and say things like “Darling, forget that shit. You don’t need those worries!” OR “Sweetie, no. You are worth so much more!!” Victoria stopped me and said in no uncertain terms that she despised pet names. Despised them. I apologized and explained. She was understanding, as she said it was fairly clear I was “playing a character” there and that she doesn’t want me to play a character… she is interested in me and wants to get to know me. But no pet names. And she specifically said, “I have chastised my boyfriend about that during a blowjob. I took the cock out of my mouth, and told him not to say stupid shit like that or I was going to stop completely.” I realize that I am often a man with two simultaneous reactions. It is why some people think I’m so good at not revealing what I’m thinking. Because I look like I’m just processing. The truth, however, is much different. The truth is if I have two reactions wish to happen at the same time, they cancel each other out. My first reaction, I’d say, was shock. I mean… I’ve not heard someone be that direct in person in a long time and I found it delightfully refreshing. I used to be surrounded by friends like that but then… Wife… and the long silences about anything dealing with sex, sexuality, and pleasures of any kind. My second reaction was… I’d say… longing. For some of you women and some of you men, oral sex is as common as a sunny day. But that is certainly not my truth. I have only received oral sex from two women and have never been able to perform it for someone else. The last time I received oral sex was 2004. If you’d like a pop-culture tie in to remember how long ago that was… that was when Shrek 2 came out in theaters. Fuck, and this is true, the last time I had oral sex… Victoria was in FIFTH GRADE! So yeah… I’d say that the idea that I could encounter a blow job of any kind in my lifetime now gave me bit of a sense of… longing.

(2) I don’t know if I mentioned this before but if I haven’t… I’m not sure I have the language needed to properly convey everything. So forgive me if my words are not sufficient.
As Victoria and I were drinking and talking and getting to know each other; I decided to be a bit more forthcoming and a bit declarative in the topic we were discussing and essentially mentioned what my focus is when it comes to sex. Ultimately, blindness would not inhibit me as I am so passionately focused on reactions that all I need in sex is the sounds of a woman’s pleasure and the dampness of her excitement. And I said as much to Victoria. She gave me a sly grin and told me that we would get along well, then. She is certainly not quiet and tends to get… rather wet. My eyes closed and a pleasing shiver ran up my body at that. And that isn’t a euphemism or poetic language. I had a visible reaction to that statement.

It sends me back, too. And makes me realize a thing or two. When watching movies or tv shows with Wife, sometimes we’d hear something like that. The girl leaning over to the guy saying “I’m wet.” Wife would react with revulsion, disgust, a little horror. The idea entirely alien to her for some reason. She’d look to me for my reaction and I’d say, “Okay, genuinely, I think that is hot.” Because I do. Because I have. One of the fastest ways for Aoife to get me hard back in the day was for her to simply coo into my ear and say, “I’m so wet for you right now.” Uhm… YES PLEASE! Seriously, I can’t be the only man in existence who appreciates that… and considering the prevalence of those kind of statements in entertainment and porn, I’m thinking obviously not.

(3) Turning now to the present. When Victoria met me, I had shaggy hair and a long-ish unkempt facial hair. When Victoria told me she was attracted to me, I had shaggy hair and a long-ish unkempt facial hair. When Victoria told me that she would be very interested in having sex with me, I had shaggy hair and a long-ish unkempt facial hair. BUT as you may have seen in recent photos… I no longer have shaggy hair and a long-ish unkempt facial hair. I now have short hair and a shorn face. So hopefully it does not seem too… odd… that I am a little worried that Victoria will no longer feel the same way about me that she did before. Now, before you’re quick to rush in, consider the following. (A) Her husband has a full beard; so there is clearly a preference for facial hair. (B) We aren’t “in a relationship” of any kind so the idea that she would be able to “look past” hair differences seems presumptuous. (C) I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 8 years where my wife would often criticize or belittle my appearance suggesting that something about me was why we weren’t having sex… so it isn’t a stretch or a surprise that I would be worried about this possibility.

NOW, that having been said? I almost kind of just a little maybe don’t even care. TRUE if I sabotaged myself from having an opportunity to embrace the physical side of pleasure with this stunning creature… it will be a disappointment and I’ll kick myself a bit. But not getting to explore sex with this specific person is nothing compared to the disappointments I’ve faced getting to this place in my life. Seriously! I turned down the offer of sex with a Catalogue Model once because I was saving myself for my wife. FOR MY WIFE. And we all saw how that turned out. So… while I am worried that Victoria will no longer find me attractive; and while I would be disappointed if she no longer wished to engage in any form of a physical relationship..... I could deal.

(4) Because I am also looking to the future. I hope it isn’t presumptuous or too forward of me but even should nothing of a more intimate nature happen between myself and Victoria; I do hope to retain her and her husband as friends. For a number of reasons. I mean, Remus is a self-professed nerd and I could always use more nerds in my life… particularly of the male persuasion as I could always use more people to just “hang out with.” But in truth, there is more there as well. Not only are Victoria and Remus an ethical polyamory couple… but they embrace sex and sexuality in a way that I have honestly longed to do myself. They know what each other likes in sex. No judgments, no criticisms, just support. If Victoria likes to be choked and spanked and whipped and tied… then support and planning to make that happen. If Remus likes to be humiliated and ridiculed and forced to crawl… then support and planning to make that happen. There are no judgments or disagreements or animosity. Just “you like something, I’ll do it or find someone that will do it for you.” That simple. And Victoria has already recommended a website to me (FetLife) and after perusing it? I signed up. I know I’ve no idea how to properly benefit from that site. Nor do I have any idea how to honestly embrace the pleasure-side of my personality. But I want to learn. I want so badly to learn. And honestly… I hope that an association with Victoria and Remus can help me with that. Even if it is just to see what that world looks like. Because in truth? I have lived my entire existence with “no”… I have lived my entire life by erecting cages and fences around myself. “Always maintain control.” “Never let them see a part of you that you don’t want them seeing.” “Embracing who you wish to be may threaten who you’re meant to be.” And a million other similar bullshit things in my head. But imagine if I could change that? Imagine if I could… try… experience new things… dip my cup into the well of joy. What if I could find people who were aroused by the things that arouse me? What if I could find new things that I like that I’d never tried before? What if I could find Aoife but better? Because that was a lot of what Aoife and I shared. Interests, the things that aroused us, the worlds of pleasure. But we never indulged much. Simply spoke and explored in thought and imagination. But what if I could find that for real? Re-insert playfullness and sexuality into my life. Ultimately… somehow… that is what I’m hoping to do in my future. And, hopefully, Victoria and Remus won’t be opposed to helping me find and/or navigate those paths. Because Lord knows I don’t have the first clue, lol.