Standing in the way of control in Current Events

I was feeling pretty good yesterday. Miranda made it into town and she got to see her support system. It’s not been easy for her to have anything of her own because of her boyfriend’s disease. His addiction doesn’t leave room for anything else. She’s a hugger now and likes to say that she loves us. I like that change in her. I am trying to believe that he is doing his best so I’ve managed to let go of all of the ill feelings that I had. Brucey just returned my Russel Brand book Recovery so I packed it in Miranda’s bag so she could lend it to Justin, her bf. No T no shade it’s a gooder. Miranda mentioned how weird it is to see her boyfriend pray every day but I know that is part of his 12 step program to surrender to a power greater than himself. I took it as a holistic coincidence that I knew about the 12 step program from Rusell’s book so that is why I lent it to him.

My first thought of the day yesterday was to apply at the Vital Health Fresh Market. It’s not a career choice but it’s something I can stand behind while I grind to get a degree in nutrition. When I saw Toni later in the day she told me that she almost got a job there once and that they will make me go to seminars about their products and stuff and I know that I will absolutely enjoy myself during those. Bev is printing me off a few copies of my resume today and my goal is to return home without any. Vital Health is what I am trying to manifest though. I keep seeing myself working two jobs for some reason. I got time for that.

Leanne came through for me and scored me some dried rose petals. She had a friend in China who grabbed her a pack of dried roses. I was ready to buy my own roses and dry them myself. I was explaining to my sister how excited I was to try some recipes from Morocco and Turkey which call for dried rose petals. I don’t always put on a big production when I cook but sometimes I like it to be special. I want a full experience. The aromatics, the flavours, getting my hands dirty, the ASMR of it all, plating up and making it look pretty. Matt, my brother in law, asked me if my goal was to open a restaurant or to go to culinary school. Matt likes my cooking, the flavours anyway, and he can see that it is a passion. I stopped painting and started cooking. He just does not agree with the veganism of it all. I explained that cooking is part of what I will doing as a dietician. Then he threw some shade about me being unemployed for so long. I accepted. Then I got read to filth about never leaving the house. I’m home one week a month and you spend the entire time in the basement. You have all these nice clothes but you can’t wear them because you don’t go out, ever! He’s right, I do have nice clothes. I opened up about how I try and make my presence as small as possible when he is home. I left it at that because he does not believe in mental illness. He is a straight white cis male who worships Ben Shapiro and doesn’t believe the world has issues. I have enough self-esteem to not let it bother me too much. I had more shade thrown at me about other things but I left it alone. I’m not the sponge for toxic energy that I used to be.

When I met up with Toni I wasn’t able to connect to her the way that I used to. I can’t explain it. With the way that my mind is right now, I can’t relate to anybody. They’re not nutritious. I feel mean saying that. Brucey is dating a narcissist, an addict, for the second time in a row and now that we reconnected she keeps trying to complain about it. I don’t have the patience for that shit. I’m not delicate when I tell her that she needs to leave that relationship and work on herself as an individual. Do you want to bring your issues into every relationship? She complains about her girlfriend’s behaviour, so I mansplain about how it will always be the them show and then she tries to defend her girlfriend and then try and explain to me how it is her own fault that her girlfriend can’t change… like this is all textbook at this point. This drains me of my energy man. Literally gave me a headache and I don’t take anything for the pain when I get a headache. I sent her a link about narcissism and why we all need to not date these freaks. I told her not to be shocked by any of the information as everything her girlfriend is doing is predictable 100%. The gaslighting, the entitlement, the need to be the centre of attention, the zero interest in your life. Good god get a grip girl and get gone.

Last night Jessie texted me out of the blue. Her mother is sick. Her grandfather passed away this year and now this. Her mother has COPD which is a respiratory problem that can be pretty serious. Her mother is hooked up to an oxygen tank and this might not improve. I feel bad because I love that woman. Jessie and I were inseparable back in the day. Her mother used to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day and even though she quit… this happened. Jess wanted to vent, I let her. She is going to get some counselling which is a good idea because Jess is more of a complain about everything and do nothing to make it better kind of person. Someone who is reactive and not proactive. She’s currently trying to pretend that pain isn’t happening to her by overloading herself with her new startup business. I sound harsh about her but that is because she always rejects advice. I don’t want to be her counsellor. I really hope that her mother’s condition improves. My grandmother has COPD as well and my own mother is on her way to that also. I explained to Jess how I am trying to get my mother to quit dairy as it exacerbates respiratory issues but my mother is too stubborn. I am hoping that she will forward that effort to her own mother maybe? I dunno.

I was on the phone with my mother yesterday and she was complaining about how bad her arthritis is. Was I able to convince her that the protein in milk makes our blood acidic so our bodies will leak calcium from our bones to neutralize it? No! Milk has lots of calcium, yes that is not a lie but they don’t tell you that your body won’t actually get any of it. They play the same game with mineral waters and boxed juices. All of that food dead and we’re not going to get anything from it. Anyways, the research done by industry will never suggest that animal consumption is harmful to our health. The new science is trying to come through but nobody wants to listen. These discussions on TV be like there is no reason to believe the World Health Organization when they are telling us that meat is a Group 1 carcinogen when the research done by the meat industry is perfectly fine. Then they go to commercial break and you see who is paying their bills. Eat meat! Eat dairy! Buy medicine! Get insurance!… blah, so frustrating. Like I can’t even convince my mother that dairy is not even a food group in our country as of January of this year. Arthritis, osteoporosis & respiratory problems oh my. I’m so frustrated because we just accept a lot of things as old age when they’re actually diet-related diseases… ok, I’ll get my degree and then circle back and try and cure my mother’s insanity before she ends up needing an oxygen tank. I sound so blunt and like I’m victim-blaming today. I’m just trying to help! Everybody wants change without changing. They don’t want the process. This is exactly what I am working on with myself tbh. When I open up my clinic I will be taking a holistic approach, maybe, and be tackling mental health simultaneously a bit. Life coaching or whatever they need to open their minds up to change. The process is the hard and scary part.

Anyways, I’m taking my grandmother grocery shopping later. Then I’m visiting with my mother. I can tell that she wants to talk about her depression. It’s a new experience for her. Her boyfriend came home when she brought it up last time. He is also another white straight cis male who does not believe in mental illness. He’s also white supremacist which is great. He calls me a good native because I pay taxes… ?! Anyways, depression was a side effect of one of her medications back in May. They pulled her off of those meds as it gave her suicidal ideations but the things that made her depressed are still real issues that she needs to process. I am trying to talk her into seeing a therapist. She has these beliefs that she is too old to see a therapist and that her life is too privileged to need to ask for help and I am trying to get her to stop believing that. Following that visit, I am grabbing my resumes from Bev and then dropping them all off at places on my way home. Maybe I should do that tomorrow? Managers will be working on Mondays for sure. Yeah, I’ll do that tomorrow.

I’m trying to keep my vibrations up. I don’t need any context to feel nervous all day so why can’t I just feel excited all day instead? Emotionally preparing myself for the worst is what my brain is doing so I have been working on trying to emotionally prepare myself for the best instead. Three out of the last fourteen days I failed to do so thus, I am getting pretty good at not being negative. The past is not happening to me and the future is not written. I really am suffering from my own intelligence and not from my biochemistry but I think that I will take a prescription for my anxiety as a clutch anyway. I think that is what my visit with Toni was for. This came up… so it was a nutritious visit after all. She helped talk me into getting some help. I just need my mind to shut the fuck up when I go to bed. I want to join the 5am club real bad.

I’m also trying to arrange a little goodbye party for Hetal. Everybody is impossible. Also, I am going to see Bianca Del Rio’s show on Wednesday. I am looking forward to that. Mel Robbins has a talk show now! It’s on YouTube! Everybody should check it out. So yeah. Blah to the lah to the ah ah ah. I’m out. I should take a break from PB. Does anybody watch the Alienist on Netflix? It’s so disturbing but I can’t stop watching it.
Yas, ta

Last updated November 25, 2019