The Last Day in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

It is a cold day and I have fibromyalgia. But the truth is, I cannot honestly say with confidence that this body pain that I am feeling throughout my entire body is because of that cold or because of the fibromyalgia. The truth is… it may also be because the weight of my heart and the weight of my thoughts.

You see, last night was fun. Just talking to someone. Feeling… seen. If nothing more happens with “Emily” than a simple friendship, so be it. I need friends. I could especially use friends that might help me figure out how to be more fun and less stick-in-the-ass. But whatever happens with “Emily” now I consider to be entirely separate and irrelevant to what happens with Wife. Truly.

And that is what I am wondering. If this body pain is entirely linked with the emotional energy I am expending in regards to what is to come with Wife. Because the truth of it? She has no idea it’s coming. Honestly and truly. This is going to blind side her. I appreciate how others could be surprised by that. It isn’t like I’ve been overjoyed in the marriage (EVER) and it isn’t like I haven’t mentioned it all the time to her. But she’s gotten comfortable with “giving only what she could” and as the uphill battle for her to consider the fact that I have needs got harder… I did, honestly, stop complaining. Because I didn’t want to fight all the time. And essentially, I just… got tired. That’s how I got to this place. The marriage ends, not in a bang, but a whimper. Simply me saying, “I’m done waiting. I’m done trying. I’m done hoping. You can make whatever promises you want to and I’ll want to believe them but deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that nothing will change. And I don’t want to keep waiting and hurting and feeling miserable.”

And today is the last day before she hears that. And in some ways, I wish I could preserve this day forever for her. I’m crying right now as I write this because I’m so worried for her. That’s where I am. I know that I need to do this. I know that no matter what happens, this is the right thing to do for me. But when I think about what is going to happen to her? It makes me cry. What does that mean? You don’t have to answer. I know what it means. It means that I care about her. Because of course I do. I mean… imagine doing something you knew you had to do but that would hurt a good friend of yours and you had to tell them about it before you did it? I would like to imagine it would bring tears to the eyes of most. We don’t celebrate hurting people we care about. We know that sometimes it happens and we embrace that reality… but we feel the pain with them. That’s what it feels like right now.

And I know that ultimately… whatever happens to her… isn’t my fault. Oh sure, Little Voice is telling me that it is. She followed me around from place to place from the first moment we started dating. But the truth is, I never asked her to. She left her boyfriend to be with me after I specifically cut ties with her. She left Waterloo and moved to Des Moines after I left college; despite actually never talking to me about it. And yes, we were married. But if she had said that she did not want to come to Omaha, we would have found a way for that to work. Fuck, I routinely said that if Omaha was too hard for her, she could go back to her old store and live with my parents! In truth… I have spent our marriage TRYING to encourage her to live as much of whatever life she wanted. So it isn’t my fault or responsibility that she is where she is.

And here’s the thing… the reason Wife’s reaction to my considering leaving has always worked before? Is because I wanted so badly to believe that it was her expressing her genuine and heartfelt love for me and reacting with horror and pain at the thought of losing me. But honestly? I know better. This is a woman who, even after a GOOD change had a complete 100% mind-shattering melt down. The emotional destruction wrought by what I say isn’t Wife finally accessing her emotions about me and emoting them. They may be in there somewhere, but that isn’t the heart of the matter. What she is reacting to is the profound and fundamental change that will sweep over her life and alter everything. And of course it is but… when you’ve been begging for scraps and see an emotional banquet, your hope outweighs your logic. And I can’t let that happen again.

I think I’ve finally come up with my Ultimate Justification Quote for how I feel, not that I need one.
I’m a prosecutor. I know that no matter what I do for the rest of my life, no matter how many cases I win, no matter how many criminals I punish, no matter how many victims get help… it never ends. The fight will always continue. There is always more hill to climb, more missions to run, more cases to work. It never ends. But we keep fighting. Not because we’re trying to win. Not because we’re trying to stop crime in its tracks. That isn’t reasonable. If you’re in the fight only to win it; you’ll never be happy. The fight never ends. But some fights are worth fighting; win or lose. Some fights need to happen. Because people should know they’re cared about and that they matter. And those people should know that there are people fighting on their behalf.
And the thing is… that is a good sentiment for my job. But it works in relationships PROVIDED BOTH PEOPLE LIVE IT. Yeah, I can keep fighting a non-winning battle to make sure that my Wife knows I care about her. But this isn’t Damsel in Distress Bullshit Hour. A marriage should be like Kahless and Lukara.

At the dawn of the Klingon Empire, five hundred warriors assaulted the Great Hall of Qam-Chee. The city garrison was routed with only Kahless and Lukara holding their ground. They defeated the warriors and began what some considered as one of the greatest romances in Klingon history.

It isn’t one warrior rushing in to take the damage and save the day. It is two warriors, fighting for and with each other, covering each other’s backs and protecting one another. My fight should let Wife know that she was cared about and that she mattered. But what about her fight? Her fight was always with me, with my needs, or with herself, and the things she wanted to do but was too afraid to try. We never stood back to back. And I’ll take a sufficient amount of blame for that. I grew up with the White Knight Complex. I was to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and protect those whom I cared for from those injuries. And you know what I’ve realized every time that situation comes up?? Medieval Knights got paid! Selfless protection is a great thing and something we genuinely want in people… but any expectation to “give til you can’t” without receiving in return is… cruelty.

But it should come as absolutely no shock that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow or the next… however many days, weeks, months. This… is going to suck.