Therapy and Drinks in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So, individual therapy… while my therapist would really LIKE my marriage to succeed; she understands completely. I’ve put up with YEARS of misery and at this point the only reason to stick around is “to keep dealing with misery for the sake of my wife.” Which isn’t healthy or intelligent or appropriate. Then my therapist suggested something that I felt was inappropriate. She said, despite having heard that I was to the point of “separation or divorce” to my wife… that I should go home and have sex with my wife. Because “not to save the marriage, but it sounds like you both need it.” Well, sure. That might be true. But if we can be honest here… trying to have sex with my wife has been kind of the big issue, right?

So I grab some DQ and head home. Wife is doing the dishes because she “couldn’t handle doing homework anymore.” I let her know that I was going out drinking after dinner. She was interested but I told her (1) that she needs to stay home and do the homework that is so important and (2) that Pathfinder needed to be kept small. Because, that is where I am right now. I didn’t say “I was having a drink with “Emily” and enjoying the company of a friend who said she found me attractive.” I said I was going to meet “people from the play about Pathfinder.” Which… as an attorney… I can make true through persuasive argument. “Emily’s” husband is the one that is running the pathfinder game and “Emily” is playing it with us. I drove to “Emily’s” house and spoke with her husband about Pathfinder and part of what was discussed at drinks was indeed Pathfinder… the where, when, who, and whyfore. SO… a full game of Pathfinder (no room for Wife) was part of the discussion. I know. It is slim, weak, and stupid. I should have said, “I’m having a drink with my friend” and left it. But seriously… she was poking into it and so I told her what I did. The fact that I feel bad about lying more than I feel bad about lying TO HER says everything I need to know there.

Then I go pick up “Emily”. As she leaves, she tells her husband “I love you.” Y’know… like a wife. I know it is a small thing and a stupid thing but fucking dammit, I’m allowed to be mad about it. The rule is… when you leave someone you love, you tell them you love them because there are no guarantees in this world. A truck could come barreling out of nowhere and kill them. So you say “I love you” to the people you love when you leave. That’s just… part of being in a loving relationship.

The conversation was pretty good, too. It was just talking. Asking each other what we were expecting what we would want. Frankly, she was very up front and said if Wife was going to be upset by any type of relationship, she wouldn’t engage. She wasn’t in this to create drama. I was very honest and told her that… well… that might not be a problem. And it isn’t because of her at all. Even my therapist said that. That it didn’t even cross her mind, but that life with Wife had been… just… so little of Wife trying… that the bottom had to fall out at some point! So… “Emily” didn’t want to do anything if it would be considered cheating or create problems between me and my wife. And we talked. I explained how whatever may happen between my Wife and I was not on her. That this was a long time coming. And we had a pretty good 3 hour conversation. And here’s the thing: Talking about sex, sexuality, sexual interests, and sexual connections? I WANT THAT. I LIKE DOING THAT. I get that a married couple who understands each other isn’t going to do that necessarily; but then a married couple is also going to have sex more than 3 times a year, too, right?!

When I dropped “Emily” off at home, she wished me fun masturbating. I laughed as I wasn’t sure if she was talking in general or if she thought our conversation would be enough to inspire me. She just said, “All I’m saying is I wish you a genuine and marvelous orgasm.” So… to me? That makes two women, neither of whom are my Wife, who were of the correct opinion that I could use a good shag/lay/orgasm. And you see, the thing is? They aren’t wrong. But it is me. What I really want? Is I want an orgasm that involves (1) another person; and (2) that other person having as much fun as I am. Now, I could be wrong but… a married person shouldn’t have THAT MUCH trouble finding that, right?