Pretentiousness FTW in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Before I begin… here’s something that should tell you exactly what is going on:

I turned on the television. Wife saw Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic World and said, “Wow, she looks like ‘Emily!” Which… I don’t necessarily agree but… there you have it. If a woman who has spent our ENTIRE MARRIAGE bad mouthing her appearance and mine says “DAMN” to the woman that has suggested I might be worth a shag… well, as I’ve said before, knock me down with a feather because there is a sexual angel in this world who looked down at her miserable and unhappily chaste child and said “I have a surprise for you.”

But that isn’t what I came here to say. AND I GET IT, denizens of the internet. “Mother fucker, this Park Row Fallout bastard writes too much. Just write a book, fail to sell it, and embrace your doom already!” Fine fine fine. But I did want to pop over here just a moment to leech out some of my pretentiousness. Or if not pretentiousness than however you wish to describe the following.

I’ve been practicing things in my head… because I always have. Actor, Lawyer, Improviser, Anxious Man… all aspects of who I am strongly believe in the value of rehearsal so I’m always going to be that way. Practice every possible permutation so that on the off chance something happens that you could NEVER have planned for; you are at least more likely to have an idea how to react.

OH.. perfect example!

We practice the play. Obviously. We practiced it, memorized it, improvised it… we knew it. But 3rd show, Allison is gesturing with a sandwich towards me. As she does so, the meat in the sandwich flies out and slaps me right in the face. NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Like every other Theater Mistake Moment, I do exactly what I was trained for. Do you know that that is? It’s called the “beat and react.” You give the audience and the other cast members a beat. A simple, silent beat. To either laugh, or react, or make a move. And after the beat, the brief pause, has passed, you react in character. The “beat and react”. And the only way that can be done well on the night of a show is if you’ve rehearsed everything so much that the unexpected is the ONLY thing that would take you by surprise.... but, because of rehearsal, even the UNEXPECTED has a built in, go-to, easily accessed reaction. So yeah. I’m a “rehearsal” guy.

So… the scenarios that are playing out in my head OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER as I rehearse them?

• 1: Personal Therapist. She’s a passionate Christian who believes that the marriage is sacred and that, since my Wife loves me, I should do whatever I can to make sure that the marriage succeeds. That being said, my therapist is legitimately shocked as hell that a woman that claims to love me needs so much instruction (to downright fucking demanding it) to even TELL HER HUSBAND I LOVE YOU. Let alone engaging in any type of physical relationship. So, yeah. That’s a thing. Someone who agrees with me that it has been “way too fucking long” for the marriage to actually be a marriage but also wants the marriage to succeed.

• 2: Drinks with “Emily”. I don’t even have a frame of reference to rehearse this; thus my mind instantly goes to Plays and Scripts. Honestly. Not joking. “If I were to write this, what would I say?” And you know what comes to mind? THIS pretentious shit:
  “For love and lust, I have sacrificed all. Dedicating myself to the pursuit of something pure, beautiful, and beyond myself. And I have failed. I found neither love nor lust. Neither the support of a warm heart, nor the exhilaration of a hard body. I merely found someone who was willing to be with me. I want more. Maybe I don’t deserve more. But I have given everything I have in an attempt to create love where it did not exist. I have lived my life trying to avoid lust where it was abundant. And all I have to show for it is unsatisfied desire and an exhausted and tattered heart.”

• 3: Speaking with my parents. I don’t know if I was successful tonight; but I used my best pragmatic persuasive lawyering skills to insist that if my Wife was so busy with Homework that she was doing it from before I got home each night to past when I go to bed each night; perhaps she should fucking stay home and not insist on going to Des Moines on Friday. At least for now, she seems to be in agreement. Of course, as my niece will be with my parents on Friday, I don’t expect a GREAT deal of conversation about the heavy and serious issues.... but a 6 year old can’t stay up forever. At the very least, I will be able to speak with my mother. AND I will be able to tell her the truth, the exact specifics of how I feel. AND what I have rehearsed? “For the last five years, my New Years Resolution has included a ‘build a healthy marriage or end it’ resolution. And for the last five years? I’ve broken that resolution. MY marriage is not healthy. It is a long difficult push that almost always results in no change. Wife does not ask about my day. Wife does not care about my happiness or comfort. Wife does not wish to have a romantic or sexual relationship with me. And after five years? I’m not going to try anymore. I’m going to say at Couple’s Counseling that it is time to separate or divorce. Because the truth is.... we started Marriage Counseling in August of 2018. We had 8 months of counseling. And then… Wife decided that sex was off the table entirely. SO DURING COUNSELING where we are supposed to be GETTING BETTER AT BEING A COUPLE, Wife shuts down. Allow me to show you something. The following pictures are… odd without explanation. My wife is no longer on birth control but constantly says that she is not in the right “frame of mind” for a baby. I agree. Sadly. I would love to have a daughter. But my wife can’t take care of her own fucking self, let alone the dog, let alone have a baby. So we used condoms for sex. We have had the same box of condoms for an entire year (2018). That box of condoms has only one condom left (as detailed in the photo). When we went to Hawaii for our long-delayed Honeymoon… Wife decided to buy TWO BOXES of condoms as her way of telling me “We’re definitely having sex.” These were purchased in Hawaii in July. You’ll note that neither box has been opened. So… we have 7 condoms in our possession. And the truth? The brutal, disgusting, painful truth?? 7 is more condoms than we have EVER USED IN A SINGLE YEAR. Yeah, folks. We don’t even have sex enough times PER YEAR to justify owning seven condoms.
  
  

• 4: Couple’s Counseling. This is going to be… difficult. Counselor will discuss how we are here to talk about the sex issue. Wife will discuss how sex doesn’t mean much to her but she understands it means a lot to me. She may even cry and/or make up excuses. Counselor will ask me to speak. I’ll read from a prepared statement that the counselor has had in her possession for over a week. THEN (in my rehearsal) I drop the bomb. I specifically say something to the effect of
  10 years ago, I told you we should break up because you weren’t providing me a relationship. Five years ago, I told you we should divorce because our marriage was broken and shattered. And today? Today I am telling you that you are my closest friend, a decent room mate, and I hope to know you for the rest of my life. But you aren’t a wife. You. aren’t. my. wife. And I’m done trying to force you to be somebody you aren’t. Trying to force you to be somebody you can’t be. I honestly think… we genuinely need to discuss separation or divorce.