Endings in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Play is over. I am feeling physically sore and very tired. But that isn’t the only aftermath left, of course.

Honestly, I’m not even sure if “Emily” will follow up with me about anything. She did specifically tell me that she was quote “very much interested in having sex with me.” A beautiful woman that I am extremely attracted to telling me she is interested in sex with me… and I didn’t have to marry her, beg her, or let her get smashed first. Didn’t have to go to months of counseling for it either. That in itself is enough to push me. Not the potential promise of having a sexual relationship with a complicated beauty; but the idea that someone could/would tell me like that. As opposed to… the honest emotional pain of my sex life to this point in time.

Because of course, there is Wife. Clearly, people will say that I am now closer to divorce ONLY because of Emily… and to claim that she isn’t a part of it would be a lie. But ultimately it is the confluence of it all. A play where the theme was “you might be better off”… the fact that we are now officially in a 5 year cycle. I mean… 2009, 2014, 2019… I don’t want to wait around and stay miserable and do all of this again in 2024!

But… here’s the problem. I actually know exactly how Wife, my therapist, and our couple’s counselor is going to react. And the truth is? I know I am too weak to argue against all 3 of them. Best I can do? Tell them all specifically “My marriage has felt like being punished for an affair I didn’t have. My WHOLE marriage has felt like a punishment. So frankly? That is where I am right now. If I am going to be punished for something that I haven’t done… that I expressly NEVER did.. then… color me pissed.”

Because honestly… I’ve realized that I am exhausted. I have been absolutely busting my ass for this marriage for 8 years and… I don’t have anymore energy to fight. I’m so tired of putting energy into this marriage and getting scraps in return. And frankly… I DO get that Wife is trying. I appreciate that. But honestly… I think she and I would be much better as friends. I think demanding her to be emotionally available and physically intimate is… actually a cruelty. If that isn’t who she is… me demanding it of her just… isn’t fair. To either of us.

Plus… this has now become a 5 year cycle. 2009: we should break up, I’m not getting what I need. Oh, stay? Okay. 2014: we should divorce, I’m not getting what I need. Oh, stay? Okay. 2019: we should divorce, I’m not getting what I need. Why should I stay AGAIN?! My therapist will tell me to. Our couple’s counselor will tell me to. Wife will downright BEG me to. And I won’t want to disappoint anyone so… I may crumble. And Lord knows my parents are both supportive of me being emotionally healthy but also don’t want my marriage to end.

But ultimately… seriously… my wife has pretty much told me she’d prefer I look at porn and masturbate as opposed to having what I would conclude to be a healthy sex life.

And the truth is… because of that? I’ve already started to disengage. My head has been on a swivel. I’ve been comparing dating apps. Frankly, even if “Emily” hadn’t come along… I would likely have started to pay for a dating app and cheated on my wife within the next six months anyway. But since “Emily” did come along?

My wife, who has spent almost every night with me mostly naked sleeping next to me… can’t or won’t do or say anything to make me feel attractive. Lord knows she can’t bring herself to do more than a peck on the lips. No lingering kisses. No foreplay activities. No foreplay conversations. And no sexual intercourse. Meanwhile… I honestly do have people in my life (not just “Emily”) that compliment me, tell me I’m attractive, tell me that I’m a good guy. Strangers make me feel more wanted than my own wife. And that is a hard thing to deal with… especially “for years on end.”

And at the end of it? I think that I was honestly emotionally done about 3 months ago. The reason I’m still “trying” at all is because I don’t want to seem like a jerk. I mean… Holiday Season… Wife turning 40 next year… Wife not having a job or a means to provide for herself…. Those are the reasons that come up when I think about sticking around. It isn’t “I’m losing the love of my life” or anything like that. It’s all strictly pragmatic issues. Not wanting her destitute, not wanting her getting all of my money, worried about the Dog. Those kinds of things. And doesn’t that say a lot right there? I’m not even so much worried about hurting Wife emotionally just worried about her ability to live without relying on me all the time.

So I typed up an e-mail to my mom about all of it. Because… Mom, Therapist, Counselor. The three women (besides Wife) who will likely have the most to say about how I’m feeling. I’ll certainly report back here on things.

One concern? Talking to Wife about it. Because we DO need to talk. Absolutely. But… I also kind of don’t want to do it until we get to couple’s counseling. Because… I mean, shit. This week we’re supposed to discuss the sex thing. AGAIN. And Wife, because she already told me, is going to say “Sex is penetration. That’s… that’s it. That’s what I think about it.” Which… I mean… even if you don’t hold sex in high esteem, the lack of words like “pleasure” or “connection” or “fun” tells me what I need to know. And I’m not having it. Wife wants to be in a monogamous barely sexual relationship… I disagree. She can and will protest to state that she can get better and do more but I would argue that… frankly… I’m owed. Call me an ass on that but there it is. I would say that I should either have an Open Marriage, we get a Separation where we can see other people, or we begin divorce proceedings. And.... oooo, that is going to be an ugly discussion.