An Embarrassing Admission in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I may have written a lot lately but that’s how I process. I write, then I get input. Not because I want to air my dirty laundry but because I am an attorney very much in the style of Harvey Two-Face. I can argue the logic and reason behind any choice. And as long as I can see the logical reason for each choice… it can be difficult to pick one. I wanted to share here something that I’ve been thinking lately but far too shy or embarrassed or apprehensive to discuss:

I’ve considered leaving my wife before. I’ve considered having sex with other women before. But neither idea ever seemed to be as real as they are now. And while earlier today, I expressed my feelings on leaving my wife… I want to discuss my feelings on the other matter as well. Though, let’s return to the leaving my wife thing for a second. I’m awfully worried there. I’m worried about what will become of my house, my dog, my banking… I’m worried what will become of our friendship, our lives, her well-being. I am not, sad to say, worried about “not finding love”. And I think that was ultimately the main thing keeping me tied to the unhappy marriage. This grotesque and cruel-hearted feeling of “Better a warm body in bed at night than no body at all.” And that isn’t what a damned marriage should be. So… yeah. The idea of hurting my Wife… the idea of unleashing her into a world she isn’t prepared for… the idea that she may destroy me financially… none of those things are things I’m looking forward to. But the reality of the situation is I am starting to believe that going forward is the best way to go.

That being said? Throw the anxiety switch, push the panic button, and prepare for dive.

Whether by Bumble or by Zoosk or by Tumbler or by “Emily” or by Match or by Awkward Fumbling.... going forward means sex with another woman.

May I be painfully honest and potentially graphic? If you’d prefer not, I encourage you, look away. In fact, I’ll give you a countdown to make sure. Okay?

Okay… let’s go back in time and do a “Classic Hits” about Chris and sexuality and nudity.

• Chris’s first sexually stimulating dream was a dream wherein he raped his female friend. He was six and didn’t know what it meant other than he had physically enjoyed the dream but felt truly dark and evil about it.

• Going to when Christopher was a child screaming from pain because of his scrotum slowly dying of asphyxiation. At 8 (or so) being wheeled around a hospital with multiple nurses and doctors intently staring and examining my scrotum until someone put me under anesthesia, sliced open my scrotum, and had to untwist and anchor my testicles. Makes a person… a bit self-conscious.

• Going to the ultimate concern of men: Size. Except this isn’t simply an isolated “I vaguely worry I don’t measure up to porn dudes” no, no. This has roots.
  ROOT 1: I was constantly made fun of for being short. It was basically me and the Asian kids. Thus a lot of “asian tiny penis” jokes thrown my way for good measure.
  ROOT 2: I was constantly made fun of for having shorter feet. While other men were wearing size 10, size 12, even size 15 shoes… I have always been around a size 8 or 9 shoe size. And every hack comedian makes the shoe size joke.
  ROOT 3: I have bizarrely small hands. My Wife calls them “Carny Hands” and growing up everyone (man and woman) was eager to do the “Hold your hand up” comparison. My hand is 7 inches tall and 4 inches across. And we even had the current President discuss how hand size measures against dick size.
  ROOT 4: My wife mentions the following two things constantly- I have “old man balls” meaning a very low hanging scrotum, and that I am “an extreme grower not a shower” in that my penis practically goes back inside me sometimes.

So that’s the “silly, stupid, every guy worries about that” issue. But of course, there is more.

• I still really haven’t dealt with what happened with Caitlin. Honestly. The idea of letting myself feel “sexually uninhibited” actually terrifies me.

And all of this builds up to what I was trying to say:

The idea of having sex with someone else… scares me. Makes me nervous. Makes me almost panic. I’ve only ever had sex with my wife. That sex has only ever been as vanilla as topping a vanilla cake with vanilla ice cream with vanilla extract as a syrup. Not to mention entirely devoid of foreplay. And not to mention rare. RARE. So… yeah. I’m feeling… inexperienced is hardly a sufficient term.

So… the idea of having sex with someone else… at all… ever… sends me into a bit of a panic.

BUT HERE’S THE THING and here’s where “Emily” is already earning some massive interest points (even more than the ‘hot damn you’re gorgeous’ points). Emily admitted to me that she is into the kink scene. (Aside: I’ve always been interested but afraid of trying anything… seriously, when I read about some of you going to munches I get envious). HOWEVER she specifically told me, “If anything happens between us, don’t worry about it. We’ll go at your pace, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Are you kidding me? I can’t even convince my wife to (1) give a handjob; (2) give oral; (3) dress in sexy clothing; (4) wear nylons or heels; (5) have sex with me once a month........... and this woman is already saying “I like you. You look good. I want to have sex with you. And I want to make sure it is sex that you are comfortable with.”

I mean… maybe that is what sex is supposed to be… and having only ever been with my wife, there was no way of knowing that… but… dude?

Seriously, the only sex I’ve ever had really was Wife getting drunk, saying “okay, let’s have sex”, and then kissing me a lot. Periodically, I could convince her to get on top but that was as far as “explorative sex” would go for us. For fuck sake, I haven’t had a blowjob in 15 years!! Shit, 15 years ago “Emily” was an 11 year old girl! That is how long ago THAT is.

So… yeah. The idea of going out… and having sex… with people that aren’t Wife… and people that I’m not married to.... that… that is a lot to take in. And it is certainly another area that causes anxiety and a little panic.

Though, I will say this: I was speaking with a friend tonight about how Wife doesn’t so much live her life but attach herself to mine. Like… DnD for example. Why did she get involved with DnF? Something which she often complained about because it was, to her, “boring?” Because that was up to 12 hours away from her with my friends that left her alone, not doing anything. Which may also have been why she was so abusive in Omaha… me and friends where she wasn’t invited.
So… tonight, “Emily” invited me and some people from the play to her house for dinner. Nothing hinky or sexy or suggestive… just people from the play having dinner. I declined, giving an excuse that I had too much work to do and needed to fix the washing machine. Both of which are TRUE but not THE real reason I declined. The real reason? If I ate dinner with friends and didn’t bring Wife along, she’d be pissed. Even though she is going to spend all night doing homework, she would be mad that I went to eat with friends. Tells you something.