Finally Some Content. in Current Events

I feel great I feel amazing just like I did on Saturday and now I know it is because I went out and interacted with another human being so it is clear that I need to get out more. Brucey and I finally got together to shoot the shit. For those who don’t know, shooting the shit is slang from when I was in my early twenties and that is when friends got together to visit and not to take selfies and create stories for our socials. I haven’t seen her in a year and that is because I held a belief that she would drag me down and ruin my vibe with her problems. I decided to stop agreeing to that belief. However, I didn’t hold back. I went straight for the jugular when she unloaded all of her problems on me. Once again, all of her problems and anxiety are coming from a relationship. She is dating an addict for the second time in a row. I told her how this is a pattern now. She told me that she is not getting what she wants out of this new relationship and I asked her if she even knew what she wanted out of a relationship. She tried to give me superficial answers about what behaviour her partner needed to change but then I got her to realize that she did not have an answer. We rumbled with that for a bit and we determined that she might be is sourcing relationships for self-esteem, self-worth and fulfillment. That she might be dating addicts so that she can feel like she has all of the power. We then rumbled with why she is not looking inward for that. Why does she not feel like she is worthy of love? She brought up her weight. I’ve tried everything and nothing is working. She said to me. I told her to stop agreeing to that belief. Nothing isn’t working because you quit everything. We rumbled with that as well and we determined that she is afraid to make a lifestyle change, deep down she doesn’t want the process and that she also has a tendency to set up rewards for failing by trying to pretend that pain isn’t happening to her. I had a bad day, I need to get high, drunk, eat garbage etc. I gave her the brochure that I got from my Doctor’s office for a dietician clinic. She left more woke about how her choices are based on false beliefs that she can’t change your life and now she is going to see a dietician, possibly end that relationship to work on herself as an individual and open herself up to new future possibilities and opportunities. Fingers crossed.

Now while I am on a roll being that guy who says the things you don’t want to hear #mansplaining, I am trying to get through to my mother about going to see a therapist. In April she started a medication that had depression and suicidal ideations as a side effect and it scared her. She is a positive and outgoing woman and she didn’t know how to cope or relate to anybody so she reached out to me. Last time that she and I spoke she brought up how she is still feeling depressed from the medication, which she did quit back in April. Her boyfriend showed up before I could tell her that the thoughts she is having while she is depressed are not from the medication. Those are real thoughts and feelings that she needs to process. She doesn’t feel like she is allowed to see a therapist when there are people who have a worse life than hers. I want to help her let go of that belief so that she can start rumbling with a counsellor about her issues.

The other day my sisters both had a little emotional breakdown over not being able to see each other. Miranda’s boyfriend, the addict, has completely taken over her life with his disease. She can’t even have her own support system and it sucks. I did not want to get involved with that moment but I got dragged into it. Miranda was about to come and spend the weekend while they were in town but Melissa’s husband does not want the boyfriend in the house without him present, Melissa’s husband is working out of town currently. The old self would have just reacted to it and hated Justin, the addict but I calmed everybody down by just explaining that we all are now understanding each other’s situations and we need to let go of the belief that this is going to be permanent. We’re just figuring out some boundaries and this is just all part of the growing pains. So yeah, I talk out of my ass now. I’m a real man now.

I don’t know if I am crossing any lines or whatever, I don’t care. I don’t want to hesitate and not say what I feel just so they can hear what they want to hear. I don’t want to enable people to keep making choices that take them away from where they want to be. I want to empower people to make the choices that they are afraid to make. That is my issue right now so now I’m a hypocrite. God I love me. Also, maybe now people will stop coming to me with their problems lol.

I haven’t really been talking about the stuff going on in my life as of late. I saw Jess at the mall today and she told me how absolutely everybody has been fired since I was let go in April. Including Larry’s best friend Darren. Larry is the predator that I reported and they decided to protect him and then fired me. Then they fired everybody who knew me and then everybody who was involved in the situation. I didn’t think Larry would retaliate against his only friend but I did report that Darren accidentally confirmed all of the allegations while trying to cover his own ass. This really is a retaliation, they really are trying to protect that predator. As I was debating this morning about if I should go ahead with a lawsuit or not I run into Jess and she tells me all of this. If I am to not ignore these coincidences then I should take this as a sign and call that damn lawyer. It’s just that I decided to let go of the belief that this situation is hurting me and thus, I was finally over it. I guess I can still not belong to it and still go ahead and be involved in a lawsuit… so I think I’m ready to do that. Full send it.

I walked into one of the retail stores that I applied at while I was at the mall and I did not like the vibe one bit. Everybody looked strung out and over it. The energy was awful the instant I stepped foot in there. I was going to ask if they got a chance to look at my resume but I could feel it in my gut that I did not want to work there. Let alone shop there. Thank you, next. I took this as a sign as well so I am on indeed right now. I can’t hold on to the belief that I won’t find something that is a good fit for me. I have to faith that whatever happens next is going to bring me closer to what I want even if I don’t like the process of getting there. Kind of like how getting fired was the sweet release that I needed. How this time off was the space that I needed to have my spiritual awakening. The future is not written and I don’t want to bring any limiting beliefs and baggage with me on my travels.

Speaking of nothing related to anything, I heard a quote the other day that I felt applied to the way that I used to feel about everything. Race, religion, sexism, politics etc…
[blank] is just another way of protecting privilege. It is tired old men talking in a tired old way about tired old things abusing their privilege.
I had to let go of that belief as well. Brucey was telling me that her girlfriend has been unemployed for two years now and when she explained the reasoning behind it I was able to relate to it. This girlfriend of hers believes that she will be denied jobs because of her ethnicity. That was me until I stopped agreeing to believe that. I’m not saying that racism does not exist, I am saying that I can’t believe that racism will be in my way every single time that I want something life. There are people who will want to help me along the way and who will be rooting for me. I can’t let beliefs like that hold me back anymore because then I make it real. I suppose that on some level racism wins whenever I decided to avoid an opportunity.

Literally, on the outside nothing has changed in my life really. I’m on it though.