Minds and Hearts in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… some people have been reading the words of these pages since I first started in 2013. You’ve stayed to read things from “Am I ever going to have sex with my Wife again?” to “I’m so upset that she keeps calling me fat” to “And then she punched me right in the stomach!” You folks are all painfully aware of how hard I’ve been trying to make my marriage work, how far I’ve gone to give chances and be patient, and how difficult it has been to even get into the head space I’ve been in these last few days. Just like… here’s the story:

In the play, there is a part where I cried real and genuine tears at each show. I stand up and say “Nobody loves me like that. I thought I had that. For five years, I thought I had that. But I don’t. I never had that.” And each show, I would start crying at “For five years.” Because truthfully? The kind of love where someone would go out of their way for me? The kind of love where someone would do for me just because they loved me? I don’t have that. But I never got to the “real tears” in that line until what “Emily” said to me. From then on, I was at real tears. Because it is one thing to be in a miserable marriage where your Wife, due to her self-focus (not maliciousness), makes you feel entirely undesirable and unattractive. That’s me. For the first three years of our marriage; I felt absolutely furious about the no sex. But for the five years after that? Sex only if she’s wasted enough and typically very late at night with no foreplay or conversation? Sex being basically “Okay. We can have sex now. Stick it in me.” and that’s it?? Take all five years of that in addition to feeling like I was married to someone that.... well… wouldn’t say “I love you” or show me any type of affection or care… wrap all of that into a ball. Then have a beautiful woman tell you, as if it were no big deal, that you are (in fact) “pleasing to her eyes”.

That’s what broke the flood walls. For five years, I was honestly living with what I thought was “best I could get.” And yes I have had prosebox and facebook friends tell me that I am attractive… but that honestly has never “counted” for me. Because the idea of someone distant and far away appreciating me as a person is… well… basically what I have in my marriage now anyway. But someone that could quick go grab a beer, a dinner, or a hotel room with on a moment’s notice? THAT person says they find me attractive? Yeah. Then come the waterworks. For five years I thought I had the best I could get. For five years (more) I did everything I could to support my wife, make her comfortable, do whatever it may have taken to make our marriage work… and then some random person without me needing to break my neck to please them is just like “Hey, you’re cute!” It was like walking around with a 20 pound weight around my neck and then someone showing me I had the key to the lock in my hands the whole time.

But I’ll be honest. I’ve been crying about this a lot this week. Because I genuinely do honestly care for Wife. And Wife doesn’t have friends. Hasn’t, really, for almost as long as I’ve known her. That’s the point, I think. She is one of my closest and best friends and the idea that I’ll lose her forever is heart wrenching. Both for me AND for her. But as she hasn’t really had friends… it makes sense how we’ve gotten here. She wants to hold on to the only relationship she has in her life. But I’ve finally hit the point where “I want better in my life” has come to mean more than “I don’t want to hurt my friend.”

So I sit. And I cry. And I think about how difficult things will be for her, for me, for our families… as we try to sort things out.

But I’m trying REALLY hard to stay strong. And it is GOING to be hard. My therapist is going to absolutely 100% say, “You don’t want this marriage to fail and she loves you. Let’s give it another try!” Our Couple’s Counselor is absolutely going to say 100%, “I think you guys are to the point where we can do some really important work if you just don’t give up now!” My mom is… going to stay silent. But I know what she wants. She wants me to be happy, but she’d prefer I find a way to do that with my wife.

And again… not because I get anything out of it… but because I don’t want to let anyone down or hurt anyone I care about… it is going to be hard to keep standing on my own saying, “My needs matter. This is bullshit.” But I need to. I need to.