It’s called “Avoidance,” look it up... in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Can you whistle?
Just put your lips together and blow. But not really.

Scariest thrill ride you’ve been on?
My trip to New York in 2006 comes to mind.

Where is your favorite place on earth?
Jacqueline Bissett is the only one who knows the answer to this.

How did you lose your virginity?
I was thrown off the Rainbow Bridge, both literally and figuratively.

Most awkward kiss?
Every kiss I have is awkward.

Whats the last song you danced to?
The sound of my mother’s tears because Target ran out of what she wanted on Black Friday

Ever had a stalker?
”Yes, but he’d gotten the wrong person. He was a really nice guy, we became friends.”

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
Matrix glitch

How do you think you’re going to die?
I hope it’s the same way Chuckles died in The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
I don’t babble.

Would you eat peanut butter out of your best friend’s belly button?
I can’t have peanut butter so if my friend did this, they would be trying to murder me.

Play any sports?
I don’t recognize that word, what language is it?

Ever been to a concert?
My neighbor likes to yodel in the shower with his windows open.

Who did you last hang out with?
I just remember Jacqueline Bissett stealing a biscotti off of my plate.

Pretend I’m giving you an exam:
A. Science
B. 43
C. Aries but occasionally acts like Taurus
D. I forgot where I live
E. None of the above

Obviously the answer is C because it’s probably about Richard.

Favorite thing to do in the summer … in bed?
Rehearsing my Rodgers & Hammerstein routines

Something you hate to do?
Anything Rodgers & Hammerstein related… G&S for LIFE BABY!!!

If there was a spider, how would you kill that shit?
I don’t kill spiders

Who knows you best?
The Virgin Mary, obvies

What’s your earthquake escape plan?
I’ll be outside smoking while everyone is crushed inside the buildings so I will be the new Governor of California by default.

What part of your body needs a massage?
Well, you’ll need a loooong rubber glove…

Last thing you put in your hair?
A toothbrush. (Don’t ask)

Ever had a pogo stick or a Scooter or bike or car or horse or legs or a lai or a latte?
Come again?

What year did you discover MySpace and how did it make you feel?
2004 and I couldn’t believe kids were dumb enough to put their personal information on the internet.

How many kids do you have or want to have?
-2, I will find a way to die that will take 2 with me

What kind of things did you see today?
Pornography

Best bargain airline?
I miss working for FedEx and hopping on those flights for free.

What do you do when you are upset?
If my mouth is full (of food, tongue or dick) I can’t cry, jussayin

Funniest song lyric?
Iraq Lobster from Family Guy still kills me

When was the last time you bro’d down?
I AM CONFUSION. WHAT IS bro’d down?! AMERICA, EXPLAIN!!!

Are you keeping a secret from someone close? … What is it.
Aren’t we all keeping secrets from the IRS?

When was the last time you threw up?
Fucking Jacqueline Bissett

Have you ever led someone on?
Not yet, but I’ve gotten an interview to lead tour groups in Hell.

What it is?
Uhh excuse me, it’s “What it do”.

What’s the last thing you drank?
I drank this potion I was working on, but I didn’t have mineral water so I used a Mango White Claw

What would be the best gift ever?
Using the Infinity Stones to snap Disney out of existence

Do you prefer to talk on the phone or text?
It’s NOT A PREFERENCE

Do you believe in global warming?
I do not. I know, because Science

What’s the most controversial thing you support?
Bette Midler yelling at racists

What is your current mood?
Let me check my mood ring… Inky Indigo

Who do you admire?
People who just give up

Do you sing in the shower?
When I get a waterproof mic stand, it’s over for y’all

Are you photogenic?
Instagram filters fix everything - Jacqueline Bissett

What would you do if you were tickled?
I do not negotiate with terrorists

Do you believe in aliens?
They are called IMMIGRANTS

What would your prison name be?
Is this a formula thing like porn names or drag names? I’d like to be called Rusty Anchor bc it’s the bar Blanche goes to in Golden Girls.

How would you handle being asked to babysit?
$131 per hour, my final offer. What if the kid dies?! I need to know I can cover the charges.

What do you want to do when you grow up? Retire?
I hope I die before I’m too tired to do anything

Is it possible to get you to move without making a noise?
What am I, a poodle?

Do you wish on shooting stars?
If wishes were horses… wtf does that even mean

Favorite smelling group of people?
The Dutch?

What noise do you currently hear?
Jacqueline Bissett singing in the shower (her mic hangs down from the ceiling)