What Dreams May Come in Hello

If they are to come at all…

Will I sleep today?
Rest has been coming later and later. Even though it was lights out after 1pm yesterday afternoon it was well after 4 or 5 when I finally fell asleep and even then I kept waking up. Normally I’d drown myself in cheap vodka around 10am and be out by noon.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

I really don’t.

Recent events have brought a lot of my past discretions that I thought I had long buried. What’s the point of therapy if you aren’t willing to accept who/what you are and try to improve upon those things. I’ve been listening to Dr. Daniel Fox the last few days on YouTube at work. Licensed psychologist out of Texas and an expert on personality disorders. His videos have been a plethora of information for me that have put things into perspective. I see Dr. Gilbert tomorrow and will get my meds refilled (and hopefully sleeping pills.) I’m going to bring up the video in which We. Fox talks about the medication treating the outer (major depression) but not the core (personality disorder.) I listened to that video twice this morning as again, I found it very insightful.

Something I came across on Reddit the other night was: instead of saying woe is me ask what can I do now? It puts a different spin on issues that bother you.

For me?
When I get the money (hey there’s a broken record in here) check out the Wellstone Center’s cognitive behavioral therapy program. I’m interested to see what they have to offer.

For the time being?
Lay off the sauce.
Part of the reason I’m not able to sleep is I’m sober. Normally I’d flush a pint (or three) down of hard liquor to get me to sleep. It’s caused excessive acid in my stomach to the point I was defecating blood. That fucking scares me…so…much…

This is going to drive me so damn batty the next few weeks but I believe if I keep watching/listening to these videos it’ll help me learn more coping mechanisms that’ll work out in the long run. I really need to be adult about this and get my head screwed on straight one agonizing turn at a time.

All I can say is get ready for some interesting entries when I’m out of my mind (while trying to find it.)

This video hits the nail on the head with a few areas dealing with me and the one I’ll bring up to the doc tomorrow.

In the meantime…sigh. I’m still awake yet so tired.

Last updated November 13, 2019