Just... need to say in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… yesterday, I drank and played video games and fell further into the sucking abyss that is my situation. Wife went to the laundromat and had dinner ready for me when I returned from play practice. So… there’s a question/concern for me. It does honestly seem like she’s trying. She even kissed me when I went to bed last night. BUT THAT’S THE POINT, isn’t it? The fact that it is notable and unusual and in some way remarkable for a wife to kiss her husband? A simple, quick, closed-mouth peck on the lips is notable? After 8 years of marriage?! Seriously?! I don’t want to punish Wife for trying but… don’t I deserve better by this point?! If, after 8 years of marriage, kissing me briefly on the lips is considered effort… then what the fuck are we still doing?

The issue clearly seemed to resonate somehow because when I got to play practice, Emily noticed something was off. Even texted me afterwards to see if I was okay. We had a chat via text. Nothing in depth; but enough to make me feel strangely to be having a conversation with someone I am attracted to.

So that is where I am right now. My wife is “trying” which means periodically doing something that acknowledges my existence. My wife is “trying” which means a closed mouth peck on the lips as I go to bed at 10 (with her joining at midnight, typically after I am asleep.) And I… am hurt and upset and angry that after more than 8 years of marriage this is where we are. Like… if she had been raped and we were trying to build her back up? Different story. If I had cheated on her and we were trying to build back trust? Different story. But after 8 years of going out of my way to try to be patient, try to be understanding, try to do whatever it took… this is where we are. I don’t think I’m wrong to think “imagine the life you could have had if you had met someone in law school and put that much work into the relationship with her?!” You’d probably have a house, dog, and child by now with a busy but full life. And as much as it would SUCK… what if that is what I’m missing right now? What if (long shot that it is) there is someone on Tinder or Zoosk or Bumble right now that is looking for a guy like me and “trying” for her means exploring life… not “work up the ability to brother-kiss her husband.”

But then I stop and consider THAT issue as well. What if the very existence of things like Zoosk and Tinder are influencing my decision? The tantalizing knowledge that there theoretically is a bevy of hypothetical possibilities within texting (and pay-site membership) distance?

Swirl all of that together with this other stuff. I have met TWO women that I am attracted to in the last 17 months. Well, two that were not victims nor defendants. BOTH have been solidly “taken.” But one is polyamorous. Though, that in itself is weird for me.

God dammit. Life would be so much simpler if my wife to whom I have been married for 8+ years was capable of actually loving me. That may seem harsh but… seriously. We engage in sexual contact less than 4 times a year… no romance, no passion, no… FUN! It just… it isn’t a marriage. So why should I feel so bound to go to super-heroic and superhuman lengths to try to keep this marriage alive?

Most Attractive Girl I’ve Met In 17 Months 1:

Most Attractive Girl I’ve Met In 17 Months 2:

And to really drop the hammer on how messed up I am emotionally, 2 photos of me and my wife when we got married: