As I Sit in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

As I sit and count the minutes down that will signal the end of this work day, I am somewhat absorbed by a notion.

Call it vanity. Call it hubris. Call it fear.

I get an image in my head of myself with nothing to go home to. An empty home without so much as someone to say hello to. My wife may almost never express excitement or pleasure at my return from work… but at least there is someone there to say hello to. I have always been absolutely dreadful in considering myself “worth doing for.” With no Wife waiting for me at home; how would I spend my evening?

Cooking a meal and being frustrated with myself.
Playing with the dog and being annoyed at her that no matter how much of my time I gave her, she would bark and yip and demand more.
Doing laundry and cleaning dishes.
Playing video games, masturbating, and drinking.
Going to the gym periodically.

The truth is, quite sadly, that such is my life as it is now. All of those tasks are the tasks that are my daily life as it currently exists. That is my life. But at least in the version of my life WITH a wife… there is someone to come home to. Someone who will assist with the laundry… occasionally assist with the cooking… occasionally assist with the dog… occasionally assist with the dishes… and who helps keep me organized when it comes to my calendar and finances.

Is that enough for a marriage? No. The honest answer, to be brutally fair, is no. That is not sufficient to constitute a marriage. A marriage needs an emotional connection. A marriage needs a physical component. A marriage needs the existence of a relationship. So it is not sufficient for a marriage. But I also hope that I may beg your understanding that in a darkened room, even if a flicker of light is insufficient to light that room… I fear what happens at the extinguishing of that light.

I imagine I shall have QUITE A LOT to write about after this Saturday.