Rumbling in Current Events

I woke up feeling half decent. Yesterday evening I was flustered and stressed about doing something that I did not want to do, look at my finances. It was a couple of hours with high anxiety until I finally did it. When it was all over I felt better and then I felt hopeful that I could feel better after facing all of the other things that are coming my way. How I could feel better after doing all of the things that I don’t feel like doing. Yet now I am noticing that I am slowly coming undone. What is giving me mood poisoning? My previous employment and that whole mess of a situation that led to me being fired. How are you not over it!? Omg, you need to get over it! says everybody when I speak about it. They’re not wrong. My little world was perfect until Karamjeet came and destroyed it all. Last night I dreamt that Brad, my old boss, hired me at a new store. He felt bad about what happened. Then I got to do all of the things that I loved doing and I was feeling relieved that I had an income again. I woke up feeling good. Then my mind started imagining me in court trying to prove that everybody is guilty of protecting a predator and that they’re all enablers and predators themselves. In my mind right now I am watching them all lie through their teeth. Watching them all lie and know that they are lying and just letting the world think that I am a bitter ex-employee who is making everything up. They’re narcissists and monsters. This is usually the thought that gives me mood born illness.

Now that I have reckoned this I need to rumble with it. Yes, I could call that lawyer and look into a lawsuit. Will that be worth it? Why am I feeling like this? Is this shame? I do feel like I let people down but I mostly feel that it is not fair that everybody could just get away with it. Last time that I mentioned all of this somebody commented that I just need to accept that people are shitty. I did not deserve what happened to me so it’s just been hard to let go of it. It doesn’t feel fair so it’s been impossible to move on from it. Is suing them just a way for me to attack them back? They are narcissists, yes, and so I know that everything they do in life is just to avoid feeling shame. It will eat them alive if this went to court. Having their dirty laundry aired out like that. All of the truths they know I can tell. All of the lies they will have to try and web to save their careers and marriages. They’re afraid of me because I am not known to be a liar. So I guess that I just want revenge here? To serve my ego… I digressed, I need to understand why this is hurting me. I am missing something. What is this hurt saying to me? I stood up against a predatory culture and I should have been a hero but I was made to be a shit disturber and I was punished for it. I don’t feel regret. I do feel let down but why? I’m not one to play the victim but I really do feel like a victim here. Why do I have to be the who is feeling the shame? They are the monsters. I was the monster in their story though. That’s how they manage to sleep at night. Ugh. I just need this shit out of my head already. It’s ruining everything. I can’t take it anymore. How do I void myself of this hurt and pain!?

This thought is going to lead to the same feelings which will lead to the same behaviours and to the same actions which will lead to the same experiences and so on and so forth. I will fail to change the narrative so I will spend the rest of the day trying to pretend that it isn’t happening. It will seep through as I will get angry and hurt over every little thing that inconveniences me. Like hating on my roommates and shit like that. I’ll do anything and everything that isn’t about getting me closer to my goals. Grinding is not comfortable. I will hype myself up to do it all tomorrow, I will go to bed thinking “ This is it! Tomorrow will be the new me!” then this will just happen all over again… if I let it. I did this dance for 6.5 months now. This all hurt my feelings… stopped me from dreaming but that is because I gave it too much power. According to a random monk, I should be blessing the pain. Blessing the people who hurt me. It is a way of acknowledging that the pain is there. I bless it over and over until I can forgive it. According to Brene Brown in her book Rising Strong, I should be telling myself that these people were doing their best. That I need to believe that so I can accept it. I was a threat to their income and their marriages. They did not want to lose their careers, they didn’t hate the job as I did. They did not want their spouses to know the activities that they were doing with their employees and I had no problem exposing one of them so it was in their best interest to let me go. I was the bad guy in their story. Now here I am, plotting revenge and trying to sue them.

I call this piece: Fucks
Fucking fucked
Fucken fucker fuck
Fuckling fuckish fuckery
-TB

This extremely whiny emo song feels like I am singing to myself. I am breaking my own heart after all. The lyrics are beautiful, emo-ness aside.

Last updated November 13, 2019