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I met my new doctor today. He’s a fucking sweetheart. I can’t with him. He’s like a big jolly Johnathan Van Ness. On his desk, he had a little rainbow unicorn shrine moment. It was a rainbow teatowel with a unicorn mug sitting on top of it with two books on display beside it. The GayBC’s by Ashley Mardell and Riyadh Khalaf’s book Yay! You’re Gay! Now What? Riyadh is a British YouTuber who discusses all kinds of gay issues. From body image to misogyny & racism to homophobia and stuff like that. I want a copy of his book, I want to be a stan. To be honest, I actually feel disconnected from the LGBTQIA+ community in general. We have Our Own clinic called Our Own and I go to it because of a bad encounter with a doctor that I had at a walk-in. He was very homophobic and he refused to see me. He took one look at me and stormed out. Actually called security and told me to leave, it was an awful and unfortunate thing to happen. I used to dress more flamboyant then. I literally went online after that and I looked up how to act and dress more straight so that I can be more stealth.

Anyway, being gay is a weird and complicated thing for me. It’s a part of my identity I suppose and I struggle with “identity” in general. My last therapist kept saying “being gay is who you are” and I just hate that phrase. So much. After a while, I finally spoke out against it. I don’t like saying that “being gay” is who I am. It’s what I am. I can always change who I am but what I am I can never change. Then I explained how homosexuality is a label that I have to wear for society. Being gay does not really affect ME but rather it affects straight people. It affects the way the world wants to interact with me. Like, I’m a real person but somebody with a make-believe belief system gets to make choices for me about marriage or if I am even allowed to exist. More or less, people treat me differently for being gay which makes me feel like I am different and that is something that I get to be conscious about for the rest of my life. I have the same feelings about being a person of colour. The melatonin in my skin does not affect the way that I interact with the world but rather the way the world wants to interact with me. So it’s just a kind of weird experience being gay or a person of colour. It’s something that I have to learn to accept about myself, something that hetero & white people don’t have to think twice about. If I was a woman, I would be treated completely different from the way that I get treated now as well, no doubt in my mind about that. We’re all different and it’s just weird that we all have to carry these labels for society so that we can all decide how we’re all going to treat each other. Depending on where you are in the world I suppose. It’s not crazy hard to be gay in Canada, in my city anyway. I’m not making any sense. I’m just trying to say that being gay is not how I identify myself but how everybody else identifies me. I’m just doing me y’all.

I was in and out of an anxiety attack all morning. I kept yelling at myself in the car on the drive over to the doctor’s office “there is no threat! There is no threat! You can calm down!” I love being a mess. The guy behind the counter at the office didn’t get flustered while dealing with me this time. He used to get very smitten. I kind of like it. I thought that I was going to pass out or throw up, my anxiety started to get that bad in the waiting room. We talked about that, my doctor and I. I don’t even know his name I’m such a spazz. We talked about why I thought that I had problems with my thyroid, blood sugar and adrenal glands. Then he showed me the results of my bloodwork. Turns out that I’m 100% that bitch… I will never bring Lizzo into a PB entry again I promise! I’m that bitch with anxiety who ended up bothering medical professionals with it. In the past I got x-rays, EKG and bloodwork done only to be told it was all just anxiety. I’m so embarrassed.

So anyway! On to the results of my latest blood test! He was able to tell that I went vegan between 2014 and 2019. It wasn’t a guess or anything, I mentioned that switched to a plant-based diet and he pointed at his chart and said that he reckons that it happened after 2014. There was a drop in bad cholesterol and a jump in good cholesterol between my 2014 and 2018 results. Apparently they pulled a fast one last year and tested me for STI’s also. Even though
I said that would be a complete waste of time. They must not have believed me lol? Absolutely everything is perfect. Mint. So… everything is clearly just anxiety. Unlike the last doctor who had a everybody has anxiety attitude this new guy wants to sit down with me and talk about my mental health in a couple of weeks. To explore causes and solutions. He could tell that I am hesitant about just going on medication. I don’t want to say that I am that holistic new age granola vegan man-bun hippie because… I cut off my man bun last month!

Speaking of mint! My grocery store finally had some mint bunches in stock! I’ve been wanting to make my lemon rice for a while now but it’s not the same without fresh mint and coriander. The reason that I am talking about the dumb store is that my credit card declined. That’s what happens when you don’t make payments. Now I’m feeling pressed as I lost access to my credit.

I made the decision this morning to call that therapy centre tomorrow or this afternoon and arrange a therapist again. Yes, I have anxiety issues right now and when my doctor asked me what was causing it my answer was this. My anxiety comes from my misuse of my imagination and my depression comes from my misuse of my memory. Then I briefly explained the circumstances and situations that I am in right now. That I’ve been unemployed for six months. I don’t like to play the victim of circumstance card. I made a lot of little choices that took me far off track and now here I am. Facing the consequences and my body knows the score. I chose not to deal with my finances, to not get up and look for a job and to drink too much and stuff like that. I chose to listen to that little voice in my head. You know the one, the one little voice that always promises safety and security and protection if I just don’t do it.

I’m not drinking anymore though. I was starting to wonder if I was in control a week or so ago so I decided that I’m just going to not… do that. I have to own my story that I spent the last six months pretending that pain wasn’t happening to me. I think I did that my whole entire adult life actually. I’m starting to see that now while reading Rising Strong. I’m also aware of how a lot of these little choices are actually addictions so I’ve arranged to get my Russel Brand book back from Nicole this weekend so that I can finish it. His book titled Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions. I have a habit or twelve that I want to quit still. Like pornography. I never thought of it as any kind of addiction until I tried to stop. It’s been in every new years resolution since I turned thirty. To quit watching porn. Here is a list of a few things that I’ve quit since I turned thirty if you’re curious:
1) Cigarettes
2) Meat, Egg & Dairy Consumption
3) The Instagram version of self-care (Thank you Financial Diet on YouTube for the term!)
4) Making dumb purchases just to feel good for a moment
5) Holding on to items that I don’t use
6) Blaming others
7) Making excuses
8) Lashing out at others (hurt people… hurt people)
9) I ended several toxic and useless friendships
10) Facebook & Instagram

Lifestyle changes are a lot like diets. If you view them just as restrictions then you will likely fail. It’s not about what you’re taking out, it’s about what you’re putting in. In abundance. Like yes, I restricted my diet and quit eating animals and their squirts but it’s actually about all of the other stuff that I put in! Nuts, beans, tofu, seeds, quinoa, lentils, hemp and peas, oatmeal, spinach and we know what’s in it. I wish I could say the same for meat. Soy’s my boy and so is broccoli -Kyle O’Sullivan. When I quit smoking I started drinking fruit infused water all day long instead. I stopped buying crap when I felt like crap and grew my savings and stuff like that. I sound so preachy. How am I still such a mess if I am “so perfect”? One might be asking. I know I am. It’s easier to have faith and make bold choices when you have good health, paid bills and a decent paying job and have good relationships but once you start to lose those your faith and will power get put to the test. I slowly crumbled and collapsed into myself. I didn’t quit the habit of listening to self-doubt yet. I didn’t develop the skill to be confident so that I could replace that habit of hesitating and giving in to that self-doubt. That’s the block that I’m working on right now.

I was on top of my game at the beginning of this year. 2019 was my year I thought. It still is I guess. When I rise from all of this I will be stronger than ever. I will fight harder than ever. You don’t learn from success stories, you learn from failure stories. I knew that 2019 was going to be a big year, I saw all of the manifest signs that something big was coming or going. I’ve been seeing them again but I can’t just hideout and wait until I feel like. It was my “I’m grown” mantra that got me to the top of my game in 2018. Saying that to myself before I forced myself to do something that I didn’t feel like doing. Nobody is going to come along and make you do the things you don’t want to do. I learned to parent myself. I really do sound preachy here.

Anyways, I am going to throw my resume around a bit more this evening and try some meditating because even though I don’t have a new haircut I still am that holistic new age granola vegan man-bun hippie…

Last updated November 07, 2019