In Review in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

May discuss some stuff that was previously Friends Only, so be aware.

So yesterday… I got into the car to grab some snacks for the party. Second weekend, second party. And on the radio? A story about the charges I dismissed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! SERIOUSLY?!

Two weeks ago, I got a pedophile convicted of 5 Felonies and we invited the Press to come out. See the good work we’re doing. We protected two little girls and pulled a dangerous person off of the streets! Nobody came. Not one newspaper, or tv crew, or radio station. NO press coverage for 5 Felony Convictions. But.... one 66 year old dude feeds his dog naked and I dismiss the criminal charge that BY LAW, HE DID NOT VIOLATE… and I’m the story for two newspapers and a 90 second report on the radio! FOR FUCK SAKE. Just… very upset. MY JOB is to enforce the laws of the State of Iowa. THAT is my job. It isn’t “get as many convictions as possible.” It isn’t solve all of the problems of rural Iowa communities. My job is to look at the laws, make sure they are being enforced and applied properly. THAT is my job. So… whether it is getting a conviction on felony counts that were violated or dismissing misdemeanor charges that were filed but had NOT been violated… it is the same job. Why the insane amount of press coverage for one and not the other?!

So that bothered the ever loving fuck out of me.

The party was good! Played Ghostbusters Monopoly; Joking Hazard; and Savage Choices.

Then Sunday and play practice.

I’ve come to a decision… or realization… or whatever you want to call it. The exact word fails me right now.

Petite Redhead in the play… let’s use her character name. Emily. SO… does Emily find me attractive or not? Who’s to say. But there is more to be mined there. DO I WANT EMILY TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME? Yes. Hell yes. Fuck yes. But why? Exclusively, 100%, with out any doubt… it is because of my ego. I honestly need to know if I can be attractive to a woman that falls on my own spectrum of “attractive.” Because… well… there are two possibilities there. Either (1) The type of women I find attractive don’t find me attractive; OR (2) The type of women I find attractive do find me attractive and my Wife is an anomaly. Now… this is an issue for me because the heart and mind argue and when those two fight, nobody wins. My mind intellectually understands that my wife is likely an anomaly. Just because one woman you find attractive doesn’t find you attractive does NOT mean a pattern has been established. Furthermore, just because there were women in your past that you found attractive that did not find you attractive does not mean that is a sufficient sample size to establish a factual model whereby you can reliably assume that “women you find attractive will not find you attractive.” There simply isn’t enough data to establish any sort of real pattern. THAT is intellect. My heart says that my wife is the woman that promised to be in an exclusive emotional/spiritual/physical relationship with me and then didn’t follow through. Furthermore, the fact that she was the only woman in my past that was willing to do that should establish a sufficient understanding that the women you find attractive do not reciprocate those feelings of either affection or lust. There is simply put 35 years of data to reflect upon for that. THAT is heart. So… it is the type of problem where… until heart is proven wrong… it is really hard to ignore.
Thus, why it would be really nice if Emily was attracted to me.

That being said… it is worth answering the larger question.
IF Emily were attracted to you… so what? What does that mean for you? What would that mean for you?

Well, as it is me… there are three scenarios. Because I can never just answer a question simply, eh?

Scenario 1: The scenario where she doesn’t want a relationship
I would be down with this one. Call me a calloused bastard; but I would actually be interested in this one. If she wanted a purely temporary purely physical relationship, I would probably be in favor. Almost a “yes please” kind of in favor. Because if I could have a “relationship” that was purely “Dude, you are attractive to the people that you are attracted to; and you can have sex with more than one person in your life.” Maybe that would help?

Scenario 2: The scenario where she wants a relationship
I actually don’t think I’d be down with this one. I realize that we are in the 21st Century and that my understanding of relationships is a little 19th Century. I get that. But love and devotion are intrinsically tied together for me. Being “one of a few different guys” for someone… especially someone who is married while they are living that lifestyle? I don’t think I could do that. I mean… maybe I’ll never ever ever get married again. Maybe I won’t ever want to go down that road. But… the idea that I couldn’t… bothers me. Like… I would want it to be part of the discussion, part of the choices we make… not… a certainty. Not something that was prohibited to me from the start due to the nature of the relationship. I know I’m old fashioned… but if you are married?? To me, that means your spouse comes first. Maybe it doesn’t. We know with Cheaters, their spouse doesn’t come first. But in poly-amorous relationships.. maybe the spouse does, maybe the spouse doesn’t. Whichever way it is… that’s who I am and how I am. Spouse comes first. Especially if/when you’ve got kids. The person you make a HOME with matters more. And I don’t want to be in (another) relationship where I care more than my partner does. So, in this scenario… it would be a no.

Scenario 3: The One In Reality
Which brings us to the actual scenario, the reality scenario. The one that actually is happening.
You see, Emily’s mother just had a bad diagnosis. The cancer in her breasts that she was supposed to start Chemotherapy for; was found in 4 other organs. It has begun to metastasize. Emily doesn’t need anything more complicating her life, distracting her, or creating unnecessary issues. Whether she IS or ISN’T attracted to me… doesn’t matter. I’ll be as much of a friend to her as she may want or need… and that is all. I’ll let her know that I think she’s cool, she’s pretty, and I’d love to hang out some time or offer to babysit her kids or… if there’s anything I can do to help her and her family out during this time… and that’s all. Just… try to be a good friend and good community member.

So that’s what it is. Still trying to figure things out with the wife (haven’t had couple’s counseling in OVER A MONTH so I’m a little excited this next weekend to see how that goes) and… deciding definitively to… not care… as much as I can… if Emily is attracted to me. I mean, sure. I’d really like it if she was. But… that’s the last thing she needs right now… and I refuse to be such an ass that my ego-stroking would dare come before a person’s pain or needs.