Ermagerd in Current Events

As I finally have some time and space to myself today I got to let my guard down and see what emotions wanted to come through. I’m jacked up and busted folks. I’m so irrevocably broken and desperate. Who knew? I feel helpless and hopeless and I just cleave to whatever I can that takes me away from this pain or numbs me out. I don’t drink, I don’t get high, I don’t hook up, I don’t buy dumb things to fill that void, I don’t eat garbage so I guess my escape is just convincing myself that tomorrow is going to be the new me. Much like a car running on fumes I run on false hope and ambition. I’m just edging my life. I can’t seem to break free.

Anyways, enough of that emo mumbo jumbo. Yesterday I kept trying to meditate and so much anger kept coming through. Rage & fury filled my whole body. Every cell in my body was screaming for solitary confinement. I got the confinement I just don’t have the solitude. It was bullshit. Anger is not at all what is supposed to happen. I suppose I am holding in some anger… as I spent a whole evening screaming until my voice gave out last week. So today I kept trying to meditate again but the belly breaths were starting to generate a coregasm… again. [TMI warning] I took a forty-minute break from meditating to go have a forty-minute full-body orgasm instead since I was already halfway there from just breathing. It’s weird that I can still be so depressed after that. Again, a coregasm is when your body contracts the pelvic floor muscles. Actually, I need to take a break from those because… my taint is starting to get sore lol. Actually it IS sore. #TMI #EpicCringe

I really want to get up the nerve to go to the clinic today and get the results of my bloodwork. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t? I have my meet & greet with my new family doctor on Thursday so if I decide to stay in today I will have to get those results tomorrow. On Thursday, in theory, I should be starting antianxiety medication. I should have an answer about my thyroid and a prognosis. I got brave and looked at my hair to see how bad it was thinning and now I’m starting to doubt that it is even alopecia. First of all, I still look cute and second, I have some red bumps up in thurr. Cranial herpes lol? The doc should be able to tell me what’s up with that I’m hoping. Stress is breaking my entire body and I need it to stop. At least leave my hair and skin alone. My self worth and self-esteem and self-confidence still comes from the outside. Is my boy Ganesha removing that obstacle too? To learn how to get self-worth from something better? Thirteen months of social media detox later and I still miss getting likes on a bomb selfie. iDumb. Speaking of Ganesha, listening to Russel Brand’s podcast with Neil Degrasse Tyson was so painful. They discussed spirituality and that’s when everything clashed. I love both boys still, they have beautiful minds.

I hooked my phone up to my surround sound in my room and I blasted the following song:

Epic is a genre, who knew? This one always takes me out of my woes and into a fantasy. I watch the solar system rewind to when Saturn was a brown dwarf that our planet used to belong to. The cosmic dance of two solar systems becoming one. (Ever wonder why our tiny sun has such an unnatural amount of celestial bodies? Me neither.) Saturn dies as a star as our sun swallows its light. Mars and Venus get too close creating a catastrophic static charge that left the scar on the Martian surface and destroyed its ozone and Venus is spun on its axis and was left spinning the wrong direction. Earth’s sky goes from purple to blue and the milky way is now shown to us at night. An inhabited outer planet with a dying atmosphere finds enough gold on Earth to build a new atmosphere. They engineer a new species to source the material for them and that is the origin story of mankind that I have in my head when I hear this song. All of that is in the creation story of the Annunaki from ancient Sumeria. The oldest creation story. The story that I believe all ancients were trying to tell. I always picture the alleged footage from a secret space mission to the moon with Russians where they allegedly explored a crashed ship with the dead occupants still inside. Women looking humanoids. There was a cosmic war over our species, according to almost every religion ever. Anyway, I was holding my head in my hands (lol) and the phosphenes that I was seeing were reacting to a wave. I could see wave patterns move across them and I thought that was cool. Phosphenes are the moving visual sensations of stars and patterns we see when we close our eyes. The footage I was talking about was hard to find. It’s probably an expensive and elaborate hoax I know. Skip to about 2:40 if you want to see the humanoid creatures.

Speaking of being a perv, I came across this image yesterday and I was just in awe. Not in a pervy way, I just thought that the model in it looked so beautiful. I’m used to seeing one standard of male beauty and so this took my breath away. It probably doesn’t have the same effect on anybody else. After watching RuPaul’s drag race I lost ninety points on my IQ but my mind also opened up to accept a new way to look at men. They can be pretty too.

While I’m on the topic of being pervy, I keep having wet dreams about Shawn Mendes. Well not wet dreams per se, Shawn is usually getting out of a swimming pool like a Bond girl but is always the companion to the Doctor from the Doctor Who series. Also, even though Shawn is wet and is just in boardshorts in my dream he still smells like a new shirt. I’m not into twinks I swear! There is no sex in these dreams. Should I achieve the skill to have lucid dreams that will change lol

So Prosebox might be turning into a vice that I need to quit for a bit. So anyways… I gotta go fuck off now. ta

Last updated November 05, 2019