Remote Control in Mindset Monday

You can’t think your way into acting differently but you can act your way into thinking differently.

I was appropriately called out the other day. I took no offence because I need insight and guidance from others. I need help. My ways of thinking are not working. I can’t fix a problem with the same thinking and methods that created it. I’m too in my head and I’m too me to see things differently. I have not taken any recent actions toward my goals, that is the core of what I was called out on. I’ve clung to another distraction. This self-improvement journey. They are right. In response, I sat there and thought about what I need to be doing and all of those fears and insecurities and behaviours etc that I am trying to detach from became pretty clear. I’m not quite there yet. Where is there? One might ask. That is a damn good question. I’ll try and get to that in this entry. I’m not sure I understand that answer myself tbh. Anyway, I did force myself to take some steps towards what I need to do. I tossed my resume around online some more. Easy enough. I can’t think too big. When I think, I sink. Now I can just focus on the next step, not steps. I absolutely do have to take steps toward my goals though. I’ve made so many tiny little choices that have taken me so far off track, yes. I am trying to get rid of my “inner need” to do that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention because you are right, I did put my life on hold. That is not who I want to be anymore. I barely recognized that I was doing it.

My side quest though? I’m trying to reprogram myself. The programs I have been using are not working. I need to operate differently. I want to anyway. I don’t like the word need. I do have a lot of other priorities and I suppose that it does look weird that I am trying to prioritize a “spiritual” world over the material one. My outer world is not working because my inner world is not working. The content of my life is not hurting me, the context is. I say that a lot, I know. I believe that my anxiety and depression are the symptoms and not the problems. (For myself, I’m not talking about everybody). This program that Russel has that I am currently learning is about inducing enlightenment. Yes, enlightenment. That new-age voodoo lol. This has been my journey for the last few months. Perhaps my whole life? Who knows what is that we’re all chasing in life. Russel says that is what we’re chasing when we’re doing drugs and getting blow jobs. I’m just trying to become aware and stay aware… that I live in a world that is whole and “holy”. I have not stamped my journey with a fancy label yet and that is because I am struggling with labels at the moment. Labels feel like the opposite of understanding and I am aware that I tend to reflect back what others think of me. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am. However, I’ll just come out and say it. Spiritual Awakening. I am not separate from everything. The cosmos did not create something separate from itself. I am trying to connect to that. To the source. To connect to my consciousness, to my higher self or to God or to angels or whatever you want to call it. It’s too big an idea for me to explain. It’s the infinite. It really is open to interpretation. I’m just a soul, a spirit or a consciousness having a temporary human experience. That is the only fact that I am willing to accept about life right now.

However, I am struggling to open myself up to a higher power. To a god or whatever you want to call it. Russel says that we are all religious. To ourselves. Devoted to our egos, to our addictions and habits and whatever else. I have to surrender myself to a higher calling and serve that instead. The world has nothing left to give me. I need to give back and serve others. Spirituality is the unseen, the world of emotion and whatever. When a baby smiles at me and warms my heart that is “God”. That feeling anyway. That’s how some describe God. This is my disconnect though, God. I can believe in the infinite, a source and whatever but giving it a name makes it a particular and an image of a Zeus like figure in the clouds does not work for me. It doesn`t have to though, I know that. Beliefs are just conclusions we make about things that we do not know. What do humans even know? We just know how to use everything on this planet. We don’t even know one atom in its entirety. We don’t know anything about anything. We just know how to use things. We don’t need to be accurate, just certain. Anyways, trying to find this connection to that source or God or whatever inside of a belief system is perfectly fine. Sadghuru compares it to a treadmill. If you want to tone your legs and get exercise then a treadmill is great for you! But if you want to go somewhere? This western idea of God that I grew up with is too finite, too particular, too small for something that is supposed to be limitless. For me! I don’t mean to offend! As a gay kid growing up I’ve recognized how painful it can be for others to see somebody else happy outside of their own beliefs. I’ve accepted that we don’t all have to believe the same things to love and accept each other. I walk with all men. We are all connected. All of the religions are just trying to connect us all to something greater than ourselves. In my mind anyway. I love learning about different religions and different cultures. It adds value to me and does not take anything away from me. I do have that freedom to choose in my country though.

Basically, we all live in a culture that does not love us. I’m creating a culture for myself. My own reality if you will. Creating a God for myself. Something bigger than myself to serve and never be off duty. I like the I am that, I am code. Where God is the infinite and we live in God and not the other way around. God can work through us if we make that eighteen-inch journey and connect our minds to our hearts. If we answer his calling. My whole reality right now is limited and I need to open myself up to the limitless. That’s hard. Faith is hard. It’s going to be constant work. I die daily. I wake up and my whole “identity” and “character” are just based on biochemistry and memories. Then I go and make a million choices based on that but I can actually just decided differently. If I just let go of the fear of changing. This is where faith comes in. I can be changed. It is possible. The future is not written. The I am that, I am code, the Moses code as it were, gets a little New Age to me here as it starts to deal with manifestation. “I am” announces the presence of God within you and then we become what we tell ourselves after that. “I am afraid, I am.” To manifest greater things one needs to have a clean consciousness. Whatever spiritual practise helps get you there doesn’t matter. Basically, the I am, that I am code is the ultimate affirmation tool. A manifestation tool. I am divinely guided, I am. I am happy, I am. My brain is bloated and full of limiting beliefs telling me that I am this in this body and you are that in that body sort of thing. I become limited. When you plant a seed for an oak tree does it stop growing into an oak tree just because its mother tree keeps comparing it to its brother tree? I think I’m getting lost trying to explain myself here as usual lol.

My way of living in a constant state of expectation and my attachments to the material world and to the things that it can give me that makes me temporarily feel good have not been working. I have to admit that to myself. I have to have faith that it can change. That I can change. I can be a higher version of myself. I can thank my old ways for serving me… but they are clearly no longer serving me. I need to find a new way to approach thoughts, behaviours and emotions etc. I have to become willing to surrender those. To accept help and a higher calling. This program requires that I reflect and take inventory of everything that has ever hurt me. To look at how I participated with that. The mistakes I made there. I need to share that inventory with somebody else. To get insight and guidance from somebody who is not me. Then I should be able to observe my patterns to help me get rid of my needs and dependence on the old ways of coping. Then I have to actually let go of those patterns. To prepare myself to live a life that is not all about me. To make that sink in I will have to make a list of all those that I have harmed with my old ways. Then actually make time to sit down and apologize to them. (Unless that makes things worse). Making amends is going to help me own my story so that I can write a new one. I have to be accountable. Then I will have the tools to be able to watch out for my fucked up thinking and be honest about them and not be ruled by them because I will be connected to a new perspective. In theory anyway.

I can’t control the universe. I’m sitting here afraid of the things that I can’t control. Mad at the people, places and things that I couldn’t control and hurt because of the times when I had no control of what happened. I’m attached to things that I do that make me feel like I’m in control because I can’t accept that I do not actually have control. That I need an intervention. I need help because these patterns now make my life unmanageable. All that I can control right now is my willingness to change. If any of this even makes sense? I might be pretty existential these days but that is what humans used to do. Sit around and talk about ideas instead of being told what to think and feel. That’s how I imagine our ancient peoples anyway. We went from sitting around a fire talking about life to Twitter wars.

It’s going to be hard to accept that I am not at the centre of the universe. It’s going to be hard to accept that I can’t control anything. That I’m not the perfect victim of everything. That’s my ego though. Where are all of the stuff that I need to be okay?! Where is it?! I’m going to have to act now! Like, dear ego: Calm your man tits. The world does not revolve around you. It has nothing left to give you. Everything is going to be okay. According to Russel, we’re afraid to let go of the people, places and things we attach to because… it’s hard to live with ourselves. A lot of us anyway. We live in a culture that doesn’t love us. We all find ways to cope. We’re only human. I want to let go of that need to cope. I will adopt a new program to do so. It will be a constant conscious effort because I am trying to go from unaware to aware. From unconscious to conscious.

Soon I’ll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?
Soon I’ll be sixty years old

I heard those lyrics on the radio the other day and it got me all misty-eyed. If I make it to sixty years old I don’t want to think the world is cold. In my mind, that will only happen to me if I become a character of somebody that I am not. If I’ve never learned to process regret. If I never learned how to forgive. Forgiveness is a weird thing. We hold on to it and don’t give it to others as if it is a punishment. I’m not giving it to you because you don’t deserve it! muahaha It’s all mine and you can’t take it away from me! Forgiveness is about giving, not getting. Why hang on to something that is poison when it only hurts yourself? Nobody wants to experience negative things. That’s the whole point really. Anyways, I think I’ve finally said all that I can say. lol yay, I’m shutting up now. I am an annoying hippie, I am.

Last updated January 27, 2020