Meditation, Medication? in Current Events

My search on how to find answers seems to point to meditation. I really don’t want to be that hippie vegan who meditates and collects healing crystals. Hi amethyst, lupus and quartz on my shelf are you comfortable? I’m writing a little something about it all that I will share with everybody in the world one day, maybe. This is part of my Boss Up “research”… my boss up journey. I have to learn skills that I can apply to my life to help me grow into the person that I want to be. I’ve tried getting into this meditation life before and I always failed. I decided to try again today. First of all, the stuff that I am learning about is so fucking fascinating. How particles react differently when they are being observed, on a quantum level. The double-slit experiment shows that particles react to consciousness. Physicists are learning that all of reality is actually a hologram. So is reality created by consciousness? Are we literally just manifesting everything? Our thoughts can make us sick so in theory, they should also be able to make us well. I am trying to level up my consciousness and become more metacognitive. Metacognition is the awareness of one’s own thought processes. I’m more metacognitive that most I feel. I always question where my thoughts, feelings and actions all come from because I usually know where they are going to lead. How one same thought leads to the same choice and that same choice leads to the same behaviour and that same behaviour leads to the same experience and that same experience produces the same emotion and so on and so forth and most of us are just stuck on this loop. Somebody who is metacognitive can break that cycle and create new thoughts and emotions. Better thoughts and emotions. We can reprogram our minds which can help us reprogram our bodies and whatever. Some people even believe that meditation helps manifest things into your reality which sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus until you discover how consciousness affects the quantum realm. We are the cosmos.

So I gave it a go. There might be some cringy TMI stuff coming up. In the past, I had a bad experience meditating. My eyes were closed but everything still managed to get darker. I felt like I fell but I wasn’t able to snap out of it. I became afraid. Crippled by fear, my biggest fear. I couldn’t tell you what it was exactly but I felt like I was standing with it. That I went right to the source, to the thing that has been making all of my decisions. I was suddenly able to hear sneakers marking up floors in a gymnasium. I could smell the hallways of a school, the books, pencils & erasers etc. I could hear chalk scratching on a chalkboard. Instruments playing in a band room far off in the distance. There was not one single voice, I was alone and it was clear to me that I was in the hallways of my high school. I felt like I was standing in front of a classroom door but I was too afraid to open it. Too afraid to go in and be seen. I felt absolutely threatened. When I snapped out of that I remembered all of the thoughts and emotions that I used to feel from that period in my life. The angst, the thoughts and emotions all of which turned into the social anxiety that I still have to this day. That’s when I decided to try and see a therapist about my social anxiety. Anyways, I tried again today. It wasn’t too special. However, something awkward started to happen. Due to the belly breathes I was slowly starting to have a coregasm so I had to stop. (A coregasm is when you have shaky PC muscles on your pelvic floor and it creates a kind of intense orgasm. More common for women.) Like, is that normal for meditating? I know that I unlocked something in me when I learned how to have a never-ending orgasm but I did not expect that to happen from just breathing. It’s like this, after I have that certain orgasm my body afterward is like… I don’t do drugs but I want to say that my body is on ecstasy? Every nerve is charged and super sensitive and I can touch anywhere on my body and it will feel absolutely amazing. That’s the sensation I started to develop today while meditating. Is this now masturbation lol? Maybe it is sexual energy that is trapped? If that makes sense. I’m so awkward. So afterward though, I did feel a difference. I realized how stiff my body was, I haven’t stretched in months. I refuse to be a yogi because I’m granola enough but I did some mobility & flexibility stretches. I felt like a small weight was lifted. That I could feel again. Music doesn’t touch me anymore, especially today’s music but I was feeling alive when I put music on and I enjoyed myself today. I had a dance party with my niece and nephew. I actually fell in love with a song that is not classical or opera people.

I do want to do Sadhguru’s Inner Engineering program. Where you go to a facility for a few months and learn how to engineer your own chemistry through yoga… dammit, I’m getting whiter every day. I swear, going to Brazil to try ayahuasca is the whitest thing that I’ll never do… ok! I want to do that too! That would be a shortcut to discovering my subconscious… but I don’t even like Tylenol. Basically, today I was not so numbed out from my depression that I was able to actually be present in the environment around me. I don’t know if the meditation had anything to do with that but time will tell as I will be trying to do this every day. I want to add it to my morning routine. Morning rituals are serious business, right after meditation when it comes to me learning about what successful people do that the rest of us don’t. It’s not when you wake up but how you wake up. I’ve lost my morning routine after I lost my job. My mornings shape my whole day and I want that structure back dammit.