Now I remember. in Journal

Why I decided that being open and honest and genuine with people is just the worst.

People are catty and mean. They are selfish, and self serving. The general public is also just plain ignorant.

At the behest of my therapist, I’ve begun to unpack my inner world and become aware of it. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Idk. But it seems pretty impossible to try to be cognizant of my inner life and the emotions that come up and also be fake with people. You know, it’s like asking a child if they think you’re fat. You’re going to get an honest answer, whether you like it or not. Maybe I really have not matured past that point.

People (strangers) cannot be trusted with the real me. That’s not a judgment; just a results based conclusion I reached a long time ago. I can’t let my inner world be ignored and dismissed by the casual passerby; it is simply unsustainable. Especially since my childhood experience was very hostile toward this; there isn’t enough time in the world to repair it. It takes 10 times as many good experiences as bad ones to set an already bad relationship on neutral ground. Do the math. Heck, it still takes a 5 to 1 good to bad ratio to remain in a healthy relationship. So, I believe, even an emotionally healthy person has to expertly navigate through life in search of the positive interactions; because they sure don’t exist in that ratio in reality.

Listening to the experts in the field (cause let’s face it, I’m a nerd, okay?) no one can make you feel something. The most sophisticated answer I’ve found about where emotions come from; (paraphrasing) Emotions arise as a product of new neuronal connective activity. Which means, as the brain or nerves are forming new connections with each other, felt emotions are the predictable and consistent result. The authors surmise that children don’t just seem more emotional to us as adults; they literally are experiencing the most intense and uncontrollable feelings they’ll likely ever feel. Due to the exponential growth of their brains during early childhood, and also due to the pruning effect that goes on in the teen years to early twenties; these are the developmental phases most associated with emotional upheaval, regardless of any environmental factors.

Understanding how the brain works can help us to learn to learn to regulate emotion through physiological management. Ie, breathing, rest, sounds/music, touch, etc, etc. Even diet has a significant impact, as the vagal nerve innervates the digestive organs, but also brings back information from those organs to the central nervous system.

There just seems to be so much I have to do to get this one thing right. Like cramming for 30 years worth of tests. Tests I didn’t even know existed. It’s a sad and frustrating feeling.