Sideways in Current Events

My anxiety has been unreasonably high today. Since that damn wedding from a few weeks ago actually. I’ll disown the next friend that sends me a wedding invitation. It’s too fucking stressful for this introvert. My body is clearly trying to tell me that something is wrong. The TE alopecia, the ringing ears, my skin has been terrible and now, TMI warning, my urine is discoloured and I’m not exactly enjoying this new abdominal pain. Well, it’s not that painful. It’s just not comfortable. My pee is usually crystal clear because I drink about two litres of water a day, minimum and today it is neon yellow with a distinct greenish hue. Did I catch syphilis from just opening Grindr the other day? My chest feels a bit like it is burning so maybe I have the flu that’s been going around… that or my run earlier was a bit too much. I’ll go to the walk-in clinic on Monday. I’ve never really needed my Doctor before but now that he has retired… I meet my new family doctor on the seventh though but I got my thyroid tested last week at a walk-in because I can’t wait that long and I didn’t even call or go to that walk-in about the results. I’ll go Monday morning, I’ll fast to prepare myself for another blood order. I’ll get my sugar tested and my urine tested. If my thyroid is not a problem then I assume it will be hypoglycemia or diabetes or my adrenal glands… or cervical cancer if I google any of these symptoms. Cancer is a high possibility though like, I need to be real about that here. If my cortisol levels are too high and I don’t get diagnosed with Cushing’s disease then it will likely be cancer. Also, why am I the one hunting down a diagnosis? Come through healthcare come through. I really want my anti-anxiety medication like yesterday, please. I can’t take this anymore. It’s the physical symptoms that are hurting me. My mind is barely even doing anything to trigger it.

I can’t think of any nutrition problems. Coincidentally, this urine discolouration started at the same time that I started taking a vitamin b complex 100 supplement. I called Hetal, my pharmacist friend to explain to me what the difference was between a regular b complex and b complex 100. She told me that it just means that all of the b vitamins in the capsule are going to be 100 or more milligrams. It’s a pretty big pill but it’s also neon yellow so maybe that is why my urine is… a similar colour. I also got Hetal to confirm that the ingredients were all sourced from plants. She is going to be handy until I get a degree in nutrition and understand shit more. Speaking of her pharmacist career. She waited a week to job hunt when she came back from India to get her sleep schedule on track. Long story short, she just called me because she’s been having a panic attack all day. She finally found a pharmacy that is hiring but she does not like their system of doing things. The place is a pigstye and she will be left unsupervised and overworked and does not have the tools to win and this pharmacy does not provide protection against lawsuits which means Hetal would be completely liable and that also puts her license at risk. One mistake could end her career which she hasn’t even started yet in Canada. She does not have the experience to do work completely alone like that and she doesn’t know how to turn them down… Even though it will pay her $42 an hour she does not want to work in that environment. That was her panic attack, she doesn’t know how to say no. I wrote the e-mail for her lol. She is going to accept an overnight job at Walmart that pays $12.60 instead until something better comes along. Crazy kid.

Jen decided to ghost me, I did not mention that. There is probably a Facebook post out there from her that says something like “I’m tired of being used. It’s nice to know who my real friends are. It’s time to make some big changes.” There was a miscommunication about me going to her to cut my hair. I decided to cut my hair after four years of growing it out and I asked her for her advice on what to do. I was torn between a shoulder-length cut and a fade. She said to go with the shoulder-length cut to see how I felt about it. If I wanted to go shorter then I can go shorter. I agreed and she cut it shoulder-length. That wedding was coming up so I decided to go shorter and get that fade after all. It was good advice. I hit up a barber for that one because I want that oo ah sensation and mostly because they’re easier to schedule than she is. She found out and came at me via text while I was at that wedding. I don’t understand the big deal over a miscommunication. I don’t have social media so I don’t tell the whole world my business (hi Prosebox how are ya?), so it wasn’t a secret or anything. I tried to arrange that we link up last week but she is not responsive. Do I want people like this in my life? No. I appreciated the friendship but I’m on another level now. I don’t do drama. I don’t want cotton candy friends, I want nutritious people in my life only. I’m at rock bottom here. My whole life just fell apart and I decided to handle the crisis the gay way and get a makeover. She made it all about her. I lost Mel this year for the same shit too. She is the one who wanted me to do the right thing and report the predatory behaviour from our manager and once they decided to protect that predator and relocate him like a priest she wouldn’t even let me talk about it because she needed to focus on her self-care. Literally I put my job on the line for her and she is basically telling me to shut up. Once again, another me monster in my life so I ghosted her. Not in a petty way but in a I really need to let this one-sided toxic relationship go kind of way. I don’t need closure when I decide to get gone. I literally knew that I was going to lose my job once I did the right thing and report that predator and now here I am… actually suffering from the consequences. Come to think of it I’m officially salty that the lawyer hasn’t returned my call. I’ll call again on Monday.

It’s really annoying when people are like “wow! you’re not over it yet? You need to move on.” In regards to my job loss. Like, I experienced direct retaliation from reporting a predatory manager and then I slowly watched myself lose my job as a result. I could just be one of the boys and enable a predatory culture for women and enjoy some better mental health for myself but nooooo… I decided to be an ally for women here and stand up for something and I got burned. Well, fired lol. Then I made dumb choices that took me so far off track here in the last six months and now I’m stuck with the how da french connection united kingdom did I get here? Literally I was the best that I’ve ever been at the beginning of the year. My finances, my health, my job, my relationships… was the best its ever been. That was such a weird opening statement to the therapist that I saw back in January. I said how I was the best I’ve ever been but I still felt stuck in life. That I was not able to reach my full potential, that I had just settled into a life that I did not feel was meant for me. Now it’s all gone. I’m still looking up though, I just… ugh. Can’t make myself move. I’m stuck… but I will unfuck myself! Once I get started I will be unstoppable. I’m a big personality IRL. A huge force to be reckoned with… so I fall apart a little harder than most and thus I’m harder to put back together. I believe that my boy Ganesha has removed the obstacles in my life that needed to be removed so that I could find the real obstacle that has been holding me back my whole life. I’ve been seeing all of the signs that something is going to be manifesting for me soon but I still have to put in the work. I believe that worrying is a habit and choice and I can choose better. Ya?

The TE alopecia though. Fuck me sideways bone dry with something hard and sandpapery. I haven’t even been able to look at myself in the mirror lately. I started shampooing daily as google suggested, to remove any bacteria buildup and I already do use the right shampoos for that. Then I apply my castor oil on my scalp to help prevent any bacteria growth, also to help with them curls. I started the b complex supplements to help my body get that metabolism back on track. I have yet to buy the ashwagandha root powder to help lower my cortisol but so far my scalp has not been throbbing as much. The itching has gone down quite a bit too. This will probably go away once I get my life together. I’m like, 95% confident about that. Anyways, I should go to sleep. Matt leaves tomorrow morning and that always drops my stress levels down by 30%. I do not like being around toxic male energy this long. He is a nice guy, just has the usual toxic straight white male beliefs that every social issue is fake news because he has never actually had to experience adversity before. Everybody is just sensitive and overreacting. blah. Whining on here is the only thing that makes me feel a little better. My anxiety is not so bad now.