Mood Born Illness in Current Events

Guess what I’m doing with my life today? That’s right! Nothing! I am crippled by fear & anxiety and have not found my way around it. Yet. Maybe I will not hesitate and do something that will advance me closer to my goals? Maybe I will hide in my room all day again like I have been doing for the last six months? My friends told me that I wasted an opportunity to collect Employment Insurance and go to school… well call me Caitlyn I didn’t even think of that. I didn’t think to tally up all of my missed opportunities so that I could have something new to beat up my self-esteem with. However, my record of employment says terminated with just cause so… I think that I’m just cranky today because I slept horribly again. Two nights in a row? I can’t turn my mind off. I might also be addicted to NEMO’s. I think that my mind is racing so hard that I am actually burning calories. I just need to get a big black coffee in me and chill the fuck out.

I was able to return the audiobook that I accidentally purchased. Thank you random commenter for telling me that was possible! Why am I too male to read instructions? So now I have Be Fierce by Gretchen Carlson like I originally wanted. I am going to give that a go today. I’ll do legs today and then go re-up my groceries and window shop at the mall to give my roommates some time alone first. I really do need to meal prep, like badly. I won’t get the time and space in the kitchen to do so I’m going to be a little more miserable than usual the next few days. I just want to be the fuck alone. Like by myself. Like nobody the fuck around me. Like just be alone and not have to wear clothes! Like I can’t fucking take it. I’m starting to have a panic attack just thinking about how I’m not fucking alone right now! omg! K! Now I’m flustered.

I drove by the hotel that I wanted to apply to the other night and I saw some employees outside vaping. It looked like a small crowd of young fuckboys. Ugh, I don’t want to be around those asstards. Or did fuckboys become e-boys now? In my experience they’re a lot of work. Especially if they form a pack. It’s hard to get them to respect the work, to respect women and to just be respectful in general. Everything is just stupid to them. Male privilege sounds like this when I interview them:
So what made you interested in applying for our company?
Because I needed a job. I need money like…
Then they look at me like I just asked them a dumb question. I never hire those fucktards but then somebody else does and I’m like… great! This is going to be absolutely worth my time. Yo you can’t talk about drugs at work! Yo I can’t have you talking about your female employees that way! Yo put your phone away! No you can’t have another vape break! This is the fourth time you’ve called in sick this month! Yo that comment was racist! Yo do I have to explain why coming to work high is not cool bro?! Yo this isn’t a good fit for us anymore I’m going to have to let you go.

So more people just showed up at our house to visit. Rejoice! The more the marrier… I think I will just go crawl into bed and sulk. I haven’t done that enough this week. Sometimes I just got to feel sorry for myself because playing the victim is so much easier than trying to be my own hero. I can’t even bring myself to eat because there are people around that I will have to say hello to. I hate feeling fake. I need to get some chalk and write IT in big letters on the floor and transfer myself from on side of IT to the other and declare myself OVER IT. I’ve had enough of my hella salty attitude these days. Why so bitch Tom?