The Difference 15 Minutes Makes in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

I bolted from work at 7:30 instead of 7:45 and didn’t get into one single traffic stall this morning.

This will be all over the place so get ready.
Where to start?
I woke up laying on my side with Lily laying on top of me as her personal mattress. Been lost in thought since. Well, a few days is more like it.

I’m reminded of the scene from the television series Arrested Development where Jeff Tambor is talking to Jason Bateman about his youngest son Buster (played brilliantly by actor Tony Hale) and raising him. Being too soft and too worn out from raising the three other kids.

That kinds describes my childhood in a nutshell.

(This has been brewing in me for years.)

Dad was “present” but not really there. Both emotionally and physically especially when I turned 10 or so. He’d rather hangout with his idiot alcoholic friends than spend actual time with his family.

Which is why I have a (destructive) black and white view on love and loyalty. The previous statement is the reason I find it best now not to pursue new friend/relationships. (I’m working on it. Poorly, I might add.)

Mom? I was her fucking personal therapist to bitch about my dad and life in general than a son. I try to bring it up in conversation now but she shrugs it off as “I ranted to everyone.” Yeah? I was a child! Well fuck you, too!

I’ve reflected on past relationships and how truly one-sided and/or bad they were.

“Oh, you’re crazy too with a laundry list of emotional problems? Holy shit here’s a ring let’s go get married!”

Not all of them were bad but when you’re dating a very unstable and toxic personality (me) it can go south pretty damn quick. Problem is I never noticed these things till years later when I look back and realize that yes, I was the asshole.

I’m angry with my brothers. They have a closer relationship with each other. I’ve always been the odd man out which increased my feelings of isolation. My eldest is alright but my middle fucking hates me as I him. Never a reason either. My whole life (even now) he can’t stand me. I hope I outlive him so I can piss on his grave. (💯% serious, too.) Getting smacked around, bullied and being called fat/stupid a million times by him solidified these feelings.

I should delete the last entry but no. I want my alcoholic idiocy on display.

I guess it all boils down to what Jenn said the other night about me acting like a bitch in heat when someone gives me attention. Everything I’ve experienced do you really fuckin’ blame me?

This is why I focused on comics, books, video games. It was (is) my escape from the insanity that is life.

Sadly though my escape became drugs and ever increasing quantities of alcohol. At least I gave up the drugs…right?

I really need to call Dr. Gilbert and get a refill on my pills. I owe her $100 and Michelle $30. Michelle might not want to see me again ‘cause my therapy is at a standstill because of my addiction and haven’t taken her advice about seeking further help for cognitive behavioral therapy. Now that I’m at a good job and actually have time during the day I’ll do it…eventually.

I have to call an attorney about bankruptcy since the visit from the sheriff’s department was about me being sued in small claims court for $4 grand to the hospital. Don’t get me started on the other $17 grand I owe to the other hospital or how much I owe for the ambulance services. Ugh FUCK! Only in fucking America do you go into crippling debt due to the medical system.

Anyways I guess I should wrap this up. As of four hours into my last shift (plus tonight) everything is straight OT. I’ll be off tonight. I really don’t feel like drinking, sitting in front of the PlayStation but what the hell else do I do when I get up at 8 PM?

Feels good to write out this mess…

“I crave the pain, I’m so ashamed, but I love the stimulation!”
-Otep

Last updated October 26, 2019