Chasin the D in Adventures in paradise

It’s a Monday and I am on my days off. Thank God. I was asked yet again if I wanted to work today, but I just couldn’t do it. That would make it a third week in a row. I was actually honest in my answer - “Nah, I’m fucking exhausted, I need a break.” LOL. I’m just not used to working full-time hours in a job as physical as mine anymore. Plus add on gym to that and I am basically just working, eating and sleeping and that’s as exciting as my life has been these days.

Unfortunately I’ve also had a base of the Black Dog this week. Namely more so the past few days, where I’ve been putting myself down with the bad thoughts in my head. Not that I can recall right now but they haven’t been nice. I was at work and I tried that approach where you acknowledge them, so I was like, “Oh there you are,” and I kept working away.
I feel a bit better now. I’m glad I turned that shift down. I woke up at 10am. Had I gone to work I would’ve had 4 hours work by then. The dock guy is away again. I was like, “WHY IS HE ALWAYS AWAY?” when I was asked. Yeah, dock’s a pretty easy job, basically unloading trucks and cleaning and rearranging pallets with forklifts etc, but my mental health was shot, especially yesterday. I’d planned to gym but had forgotten to pack clothes (yeah, go figure lol) so I put myself down about that as well and had to go home instead.
I was sick of my phone and social media - I left my phone in my room and went out to the lounge and played Sims 4. I’ve already made my two male characters ‘Woohoo!’ with each other. Now it seems they are trying to steer me in the direction of adopting a kid. I’m like, “Why would I want a kid?”
Then I looked at myself and thought I should be living, not recreating a virtual one on my laptop.
But yeah, sleeping helped, a bit.

My housemate is in Melbourne. He went there without even telling me he was going, not that he has to. I’ve been back in that same boat I was in at Bartley Street where I feel my housemate doesn’t like me and finds me hard to live with. It’s probably all in my head but I pick up on cues etc. He rarely makes conversation with me. I’m always the one to ask how his day has been. Maybe I just need to let him see me naked, like I have him. But he has a natural Italian tan and if I get my bare arse out in front of him, he might need sunglasses when I turn the lights on.
I’m not used to being naked around people. Not when there’s not sex involved at least. Which there wouldn’t be with him. I’m pretty sure he’s in Melbourne because his boyfriend is there and has been visiting him. I only found out he was there because that’s where his Bitmoji is on the Snapchat map. I’m such a stalker. I’ve even been checking it to find out if he’s come home yet. I need to get over myself. If he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me. He is the loveliest guy though - not a troublesome housemate at all. It’s probably just my self-depreciating self making me feel like I’m the most boring person ever to be around.

I probably need a holiday. I was thinking that the only holiday I’ve had in the last 18 months was taking the 4 days off for Mardi Gras this year. My last month-long holiday was Eurovision in 2018 so that’s at least 18 months. I do have about 5 weeks in leave accumulated. It’s time to start thinking about where to go next. I didn’t win the $150M on lotto last week so the home-ownership will have to wait. I don’t want to become ancient and can’t move before I travel. Do I culture-shock it and try and Asian country where I can’t read any signs or menu’s. or do I stick to an English-speaking country where I won’t talk to anyone anyway? :P I did manage to hook up with a gorgeous guy in Spain when neither of us knew each others languages (thanks Google Translate!) so I was pretty proud of that. And I am part-‘Rice-Queen’ so it could be fun. They all want to get married though haha. And I don’t even think it’s legal in most, so I’d have to research that. Surely there’s a black market, right? I mean - an underground lol.
Or maybe it’s time to go Scandinavia. That’d make it a third European trip - yikes. At least I know I love Europe already. I dunno, will probably be a while away yet anyway. At least I know I’m usually not depressed when I’m travelling - just when I come back to reality.
I had a brief conversation with Shelby at work whilst we crossed paths in the coldroom downstairs and I asked how her trip was (she just got back from about a month in the U.S.) and she said she had an amazing time but yeah, ‘Back to reality.’
I dunno, having something exciting to look forward to tends to ward off the demons for me, but I’m not quite there yet.

Oh I almost forgot to write this. I think I dodged a catfish last week lol. I was on Grindr and there was no-one of real interest and then this 18 year old Canadian guy messaged me and sent me a bunch of really hot-body pics including his ass etc. We got to the point where he said he was having a shower and would come over, but that’s where it ended. I’d only given him my suburb and decided to hold off on the actual address until I was sure he was on his way. Turns out I was right - didn’t get a message after that, so I thought, ‘catfish!’. Woulda been amazing if he was real though.
This other guy messaged me and added me to Snapchat (pro-tip - Catfish’s will never add their Snap) so at least I knew this guy was real. He has an amazing ass but is a bit full-on for me - as in he sends like 4 or 5 nudes/vids a day of him Bend/Snap’ing or riding a dildo etc etc. WHO HAS THAT SORT OF TIME!? Meanwhile, I sent back like one mini-vid of me wanking and even then I wasn’t happy with how it looked to my eye but I had to send him something with the bombardment he was sending me. He sent a message last night saying, “You don’t like my videos? :(” and I was just thinking like, “Fuck dude, your vids are hot but I can’t keep up!” especially with the depression I was feeling. And the worst part about feeling like shit is that I don’t want to do anything and then feel like I have to apologize for my behavior later, which never happens, so I’m probably just seen as an asshole. Matt and I are still not talking, months later, since his bombardment of phone calls/facebook videocalling/insta-calling/texting/PM’ing/IM’ing/Any-Platform-you-can-think-of’ing etc etc. I was like ‘Red-fucking-flag’ and that flag has stayed at full mast since. Because I’m weird and it freaked me the fuck out. All I could think was, “Your flattening my damn battery and I can’t use my phone for anything else!” The life of an introvert is fun guyz!

And Hayden was visiting this weekend from Sydney, but of course I ignored him too. He was his usual fun, drunk self, and strangely enough, not in drag this time. Normally Snap’s from him are him as Chastity, but it was just baby-faced him this time, saying I should ‘Make time’ (ie, for him). I didn’t though. Who wants to see this depressed bitch? I woulda been bundle of fun. And what do I say to the guy anyway? We hooked up once many years ago but he wasn’t a random. He’s one of those Brisbane gays who moved to Sydney like a decade ago and tends to hit me up every now and then. So yeah, me putting myself down and avoiding people and playing Sims4 was a much more appealing option than seeing him, apparently.

This is why I’m growing older and not-wiser and that too is a bit depressing. Not really sure what the answer is, but I know gym helps me so I gotta keep at it. I finished my second book too, “What If It’s Us?” so am about to begin my third. I decided I need to move on from the young adult gay books. It’s just that there basically were none when I was that age, so I’m playing catch-up now that I’m in my mid 30’s. I feel like that book was a little immature for me, but I’m worried that I might not find a more mature storyline as enjoyable. It did leave an opening to a sequel too (I’m not sure if there is one or not). Anyway, these are the books I chose and at least they take me to another world for a while. I cycle or sunbake while I read them, so I kill two birds with one stone. The weather is heating up here again now. I am glad to see the back of Winter. And the magpies have left me alone so far, thank God. I had to take a different route to work on Saturday to get around the Pride Parade. I might have gone if I wasn’t stuck in a 9-hour shift, but I probably wouldn’t have gone either, given my mental state recently. I would’ve been there alone, pretending to have fun by myself. Oh Vey. Yeah, no.
Pretty cool to see the families and friends with their rainbow flags etc. Where are all these people the other 364 days of the year? It’s like 20,000 gays just appear out of nowhere, and then I’m back to reading about a homophobia attack on a Melbourne guy and his brother happening by a gang of youths on the Gold Coast just last week :( Fuckers.
Police have caught two of them so far last I heard.

Anyway, it’s a lovely day and I chose not to work so I should go enjoy this sunshine and get some D. Vitamin, that is.