On Choice. in Journal

I had an interesting discussion with DH yesterday. Like a hardcore 2.5 hour in depth sharing about our family dynamics.

My concerns in the conversation really centered around the stance that his mom (my MIL) has taken in relation to his brother’s family (my BIL).
Long story short, BIL knocked up some party girl a few years ago. BIL has always been very emotionally immature, irresponsible, and engaging in risky behavior for as long as I’ve known him, and from his history, for his entire life. The woman he knocked up smokes, does drugs, and is on all accounts a terrible mother. Their son together, now 4 and a half, is severely autistic. He’s never said a word besides very infrequent parroting. I’ve never seen the kid eat a piece of real food; granted I see him about once a month. DH agrees that he’s never seen the kid eat anything besides Cheese Puffs, Hershey’s chocolate milk, or Goldfish, and he is over there quite frequently.
Now. It is abundantly clear to me that neither parent- BIL or the drug user baby mama (BM)- has any idea on how to care for or raise their son. The kid stopped eating one day and they were told by the dentist that every tooth in his head was rotten to the core. Go figure. A steady of Cheese Puffs isn’t going to get you shiny pearls.
But, besides the poor child’s physical health, his mental and emotional health is just heartbreaking. BIL and BM has no idea how to parent, nor does she have any interest in learning. She smokes in the same house, the same room, and the same vehicle as this child. She is on drugs perpetually. She is vacant and impersonal. She is the quintessential Freudian nightmare; hovering, protective and obsessive over trivial inconsequentials. And BIL is totally okay with this person parenting his son.

That is the situation as objectively as I can define it. DH, and others, agree with these statements. I would probably add more, but it’s enough to form a picture.

My problem is not with this family directly, although I have significant misgivings about BIL and his life choices; he is clearly and without doubt responsible for the situation he’s in, and directly responsible for the lack of care and parenting his son now receives. Which is morally reprehensible.
My problem is with MIL. Who, on multiple occasion both in private and in company has claimed that drug using BM is a great mother.
Whenever a failing of the child is brought up or observed- his failure to talk, to communicate in any meaningful way, to respond to his own name- it is met by her with the defense; “It’s because she’s such a good mom! She anticipates his needs so thoroughly.”

There’s no way around it. She’s either deeply in denial, lying through her teeth for fear of losing the farce relationship with BM, or she genuinely values that relationship over the well-being of her grandchild.

Now, I can understand and empathize with the situation MIL is in. She is scared of losing contact with her grandson if she upsets the BM, which is terrible. It’s a terrible situation and it’s a terrible way to live; she is torn and conflicted by her values and love for her grandchild, while having to tiptoe around an unpredictable drug addict.
But, that situation is also her own fault. She is the most stable and able adult in this whole picture, which attributes to her more responsibility than say, a grandmother to a baby in a stable well adjusted household. At least, that is how I see it.
If a baby is getting all the care it needs to thrive and grow healthy; the grandparent can relax that their responsibility for their grandchild has been fulfilled. If that child is in a situation of obvious neglect or concern- that grandparent has a responsibility to help that child.
I’m not saying it’s 100%, or even 25%. But it is some portion. Even if it is only 1%. What portion of responsibility would be okay to do nothing to get that child the care and help he requires? At the very least, to question his nutrition and physical care?

This is a very frustrating situation because I feel MIL has failed her grandchild miserably. More than that, she has abandoned her moral duty to help him. He is a helpless child. Even more helpless than most; he cannot even express his preferences. He is suffering in a home where his needs are not met, and he cannot even tell anyone about it.
Rather than ruffle the feathers of BM, she keeps quiet and extolls the virtues of a drug user.
Rather than do what is necessary, she limps along as a half-human; torn apart by her desire to have contact with the grandchild she loves, or to give him what he needs.

And this is the grandmother to MY CHILD.