Freaked Out in Current Events

The kind of alopecia that I suspected myself of having is androgenic alopecia (pattern hair loss). It’s hormonally driven but after this morning I suspect that it might be telogen effluvium alopecia (hair thinning). That one is caused by stress, medications, malnutrition or endocrine abnormalities. My doctor did notice that my thyroid was full and we had it tested but I botched those results by drinking black coffee before I went and got the blood work. After I wrote my pep talk last night I got myself ready for bed and while I was washing my face I fucking noticed how thin my hair looked in general. My whole scalp does not feel right when I pay attention to it. It’s not an itch or burn but it’s something. Kind of like it is throbbing a bit. Needless to say, I did not feel like getting out of bed this morning. I just feel so devastated and flustered.

I opened up one of my journals this morning to cry about it so that I didn’t have to abuse Prosebox with another entry but hair kept falling out on to those white pages. In fact, I can’t run my hands through my hair without pulling out hair. That is not how androgenic alopecia works. This might actually be getting a little serious. Especially if I can’t calm down. Having adrenaline and cortisol in your body all day long is like having acid being poured into your body all day long. I can imagine that it would be a motive for my body to attack my thyroid as it is overwhelming my whole system. When did I sign up for an autoimmune disorder? I will call my doctor first thing Monday morning of course. I don’t know if I want to continue to put minoxidil on my scalp as it is probably the cause of this throbbing sensation as it literally affects blood flow to allow new hair follicles to reach the surface. I use it on my face to help grow a beard and so I figured that I would just dab it on my head while I’m at it.

I am supposed to go to Leanne’s birthday dinner tonight, she will never forgive me if I cancel so I get to dread this all day long. I am so flustered. I really want to manage my stress but how possible is that if it is my thyroid doing it?

And what the hell YouTube! Just before I wrote this entry I went to look up more information about this and it played an ad that featured a traumatized six-year-old girl who was rendered a mute after she witnessed a bomb land in her neighbourhood. What kind of mongering is this? My heart is absolutely crushed. Here I am freaking out about hair loss and there that little girl is traumatized… fuck. I won’t be able to unsee that.

I don’t know what I am going to do with myself today. I can barely move because I am so… I don’t know what I’m feeling. Shock? I’m scared to shower because I don’t want to see all that hair in the tub after I shampoo. What I see in the mirror and what I see in my mind when I picture my hair problem is completely different. I can style it to look fuller but… ugh. If I do have a thyroid problem then I can at least get a thyroid solution ya? That would probably kill my anxiety in the process and maybe I’ll finally have an easier time gaining weight.

Freaking out over all of this right now is a choice… so I am going to choose to do something different. I’ll put on some Vivaldi and go for a run and work on not hesitating to put my resume out there. That was my plan today. My sister is in strung out housewife mode and has decided to be absolutely unpleasant to everyone about everything so I will be hiding in my room all day.

Leanne and I haven’t even really talked since we had an argument about weight. She thinks I am fatphobic because I call obesity a disease and not a body type. She is struggling with her weight right now so I suppose she would be extra sensitive about it. I don’t even want to see my friends tonight. They suck. I’ll just go, I’ll hack the menu to create a vegan meal for myself and I’ll make it clear that I do not want to talk about my employment situation. I’ll just try my best to disappear into the background so I don’t have to listen to them all complain about whatever it is they all want to complain about today. Normally I would just discuss conspiracy stuff with Leanne’s partner Chris but his mental health cannot handle it anymore. He has PTSD from the time he served in Afghanistan and after they had kids it just slowly got hard to manage. Actually, he is also a cancer survivor and he recently learned that his pineal gland was removed when they extracted his brain tumour a decade ago. He convinced himself that he does not have a soul now. He’s a stay at home dad which was always his dream and he got a huge payout from the government so that he doesn’t have to work anymore. I did not know that my government was that good to our veterans… omg we’re in the middle of an election so everybody will start talking about politics which usually leads to them complaining about first nations people… they don’t count me as one so they just eat cakes and desserts and get all fat and racist. blah. Can’t it be Monday already?

Literally, at the beginning of the year, I told my therapist that I was the best that I have ever been. Work was never better, my finances were never better, my health was never better and my relationships were never better… and now here I am unemployed, almost broke, I have a potential thyroid problem and I have completely isolated myself from my family and friends. BUT! It’s all repairable. I really am being tested this year. Ganesha removed the obstacles that were holding me back. My job, toxic people etc. He has placed obstacles that I need so that I can be pushed to grow. He is the god of beginnings and I need to have faith that life is happening for me, not to me. I won’t die if I lose all of my hair. My face just isn’t pretty enough to get away with being bald. K! I’ve been pretty vain and very driven by how I look so maybe Ganesha is removing that from me as well because it is holding me back in some way ya? K! I need to stop thinking and I need to go for that run.