Sorry Not Sorry in Current Events

I still have Facebook Messenger so that I can still reach out to people should I need to. My sister’s boyfriend has been harassing me on there for the last couple of days. He is logged on Miranda’s account and is trying to pretend that he is her and he is trying to borrow money. My phone is stupid, I accidentally opened the message and when I tried to get out of it I accidentally liked one of his long sob stories about being out of food so I had to respond after that. I explained that they still owe me money so I’m not giving them any more. I did not open any messages after that but he is just givin’ er, pardon my Canadian slang. We all know that he has relapsed and when Miranda came to visit us on Thanksgiving she explained that she did not tell Justin, her boyfriend, that she was leaving the city. He would have fought that because he needs to keep Miranda close as she is his ticket to getting drunk and high. She also admitted that she was wishing that he was going to end up in jail for totalling her car while under the influence. She recognizes that she needs to leave him. She was so close but his mother got into her head again. That woman is also an addict so she knows exactly how to manipulate and guilt a sucker into staying. It was actually her painkillers that he was high on when he crashed my sister’s car. So I don’t know what my sister’s plan is exactly. Are we waiting for his liver to fail? Like how that almost happened a couple of months ago? I almost want to send him all of my money to help make that happen. I would never but I hate how ugly I feel for thinking like that. I want him out of our lives.

My friend Ryan was like a big brother to me. He was so insightful and so wise and he always made everything crystal clear and he always had the best advice. He was an alcoholic and a handful and one day after he told me that he was going to kill himself, again, I finally blew up on him. He told me that he wasn’t going to hurt himself and I told him that he was hurting himself. That he is killing his liver and that his heart probably couldn’t take much more. I turned out to be right but he did call me later that day crying because he was on his way to the hospital to detox and then rehab. He was absolutely terrified because he knew how much pain he was about to put himself through. The next few months he was in and out of detox and I was absolutely enabling him so I had to remove myself from his life. I needed to remove him from mine as well. He was pretty salty about it. He was hurt but I couldn’t take on that burden. I had my own problems. I tried to call him around Christmas but he screened my call. I figured that I would try again after the holidays but he passed away before I could do that. I didn’t even cry at his funeral. I was just so mad and disappointed at him. I didn’t blame myself for a second. I was wondering how many people at his funeral were blaming themselves. Wishing they could have tried harder to help him. I was starring at him in his coffin and thinking about how nobody was actually responsible to help him get well. We all tried and we all failed but he was the one who made those choices at the end of the day.

I think about him all the time. I just realized this year that I am one year older than he was when he died. I can still hear his voice, him calling me Tommy. I always try and channel him whenever I need to give advice. He really was like a brother to me and I do miss him sometimes. I struggle to remember the good times because it was just so awful near the end. Actually, yesterday I remembered something that he said to me that pissed me off. I remembered that he and Roarke had a long conversation in his kitchen one night when we went to his place after a New Years Eve party. He wouldn’t tell me what they talked about and then he couldn’t remember the conversation the next day anyway because he was too drunk. The only thing that he could remember was that Roarke told him that he showed me his dick… which was not true. I think I randomly remembered that because I started playing Skyrim and that was one of the games that Roarke gave me years ago. Not that Roarke is somebody I ever think about anymore thank god.

Anyway, I know Justin enough to know that he is telling Miranda how evil I am because I won’t help his sister out. He has himself convinced that I actually believe that it is her begging for money in my DMs and he is totally judging me for not trying to help her. He’s, of course, going to be the victim in this situation as he always is. Like, he has a son! Not with my sister but his son has to watch his father be like this. Dom, his son, is old enough to know what is going on here. Justin just had a brush with death and now he is back at it. Dom must be so embarrassed. His father is breaking into people’s houses to steal stuff that he can sell. He is racking up DUI’s and everybody just keeps letting him off the hook. Like, Justin is going to die. He is going to die and his family is going to put him in the ground and his son will start a rap career about it and my sister will finally be free of all this. Everybody will move on. Is it callous to be real about this? I want to feel sorry for him but what will that achieve? I just don’t have it in me to care anymore. We are not responsible for him. I want my sister back. She’s not safe and sound over there.

Whatever. People are free to judge me and think I’m a monster because I don’t feel sorry enough for addicts. I felt bad when that rapper died and everybody blamed Ariana Grande like she was supposed to be his caretaker. That she wasn’t loyal… I won’t be sticking by a man if he ever starts using. Oh no sir. #ThankYouNext