Stop Giving Up in Current Events

Space is a luxury rarely afforded in this house. Everybody spent the night at my mother’s yesterday and I passed up on that offer so that I could be completely void of people for a night. I spent this Monday morning enjoying my chores, my self-care routine and I was an hour into motivational speeches when a violent storm of roommates exploded into the house. I was so close to feeling alive when all of a sudden everything inside of me withered up and died. I don’t know how to get myself to feel cool, calm and collected when I am constantly surrounded. If I at least had a door or if we had a second bathroom. I don’t want to complain too much about my living situation because… I don’t actually belong here.

My sister and her husband did not have kids when I moved in. Now they have two. This living arrangement was supposed to be an opportunity for me to get ahead of my finances which I succeeded at but since I lost my job six months ago I just kind of slowly undid all of that hard work. I was ready to move out twice during my time here. My sister and her husband couldn’t find a way to let my sister go back to work so I stayed to help out so that we could all work full-time jobs. Then I was ready to move out again this year but I lost my job.

I’ve been complaining about wanting to quit my job for years. I knew that reporting Larry’s predatory behaviour to head office was going to cost me my job one day and on some level that is exactly what I wanted. It actually went according to plan. I wanted to get fired with the severance and use that to pay off my car loan. I was supposed to start something new right away so that I could bank that severance. This isn’t exactly brand new information, I’ve put that thought out into the universe long before it actually happened. However, my little plan was perfect until Karamjeet came along. I hired her, to save her from unemployment when her store burned down and I regretted that just a few weeks in. Her nefarious ways stressed me out to the point where my body was no longer able to cope and I got very sick. Then she completely stabbed me in the back and got me fired so that she could have consolidated power over the store. That was her plan since week one. Somebody brought it to my attention because they overheard her telling somebody. I refused to believe it because I fought tooth and nail to get her on board, who would betray somebody like that? Sure enough, she did and she fired absolutely everybody that knew me, my friends, shortly after I was sent packing.

I was so hurt and blindsided and I still am. My mental health became my priority. I decided to take some time off to lick my wounds. That time was up months ago. I am experiencing some job loss depression, yes, but that is not the worse of it. I find myself unable to take a next step. To say that I am procrastinating is an understatement. I heard a guy explain how it feels in a way that I was able to relate to. Life is like a maze. I try and walk down the hallway to open a door and I don’t if it’s a dead-end or not and so I just sit back and that’s when the procrastination comes in. I look real far down that hallway and I’m like… just walk.

Kyle explained to me how whenever we talk I always have some big plan as to where I want to take my life but I never do it. My plans even include a step by step but I never take that first step. Now I finally got my foot out of the job that I wanted to quit for years and I’ve had plenty of step by step plans to take myself here or there since then but absolutely nothing has happened. Did I bring myself closer to anything? I cockblock myself every single time. I can blame everyone and everything for where I am in life until I am blue in the face but at the end of the day I am my biggest saboteur. I don’t know what this obstacle is that I keep putting in between me and my dreams but I have to find a way around it if I’m not going to find a way to remove it.

I have been trying to join the 5am club for the last couple of years and I’ve had a lot of success with that but since I lost my job… I start every morning already failing. I wake up with one failure already in the bank and I just continue to let myself fail the rest of the day. I don’t let myself win. I don’t know what I want out of life exactly but I do know what I don’t want. Guess where my future is heading? Down the drain into the life that I do not want for myself. I’m practically already there. I have more regrets banked than anything. I’ve been letting my life pass me by. My best earning years are gone. Not long gone but I’ve wasted almost half of it. I gave it all to a job that I hated for thirteen years. What did it give me? What did I ever give myself? I have a lot of earning years ahead of me still and I want to give those to myself. I’m looking at crappy jobs online and feeling half convinced that I am too good for them but I’m not.

There is no easy street. I was not born into money and Kris Jenner keeps rejecting my adoption papers so if I want to be a winner I have to do the work. Become self-made. I think that one of the things that I am afraid of about dead-end jobs is that I don’t want to get sucked into it. I want it to be a stepping stone but if I don’t have a plan or a direction for myself then I will settle into that shitty job. I’ll give it thirteen years until it gives me the boot.

I want a lot of success. I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to do things that I am passionate about. Successful people do the work. They run a thousand miles before they compete in the Olympics. They study hard and take risks. They learn not to care what people think. They learn not to be afraid of failures. They grow… because they don’t hide in comfort zones.

Here I am in my early thirties (34 in three months) without any baggage to stop me from grinding at my highest possible levels and I’m just… stuck. Stuck at “the brink”. I’m weighed down by regret and shame and fear… no, I’m cleaving to it. It’s all that I know. I sound so confusing right now but that is because I am so confused. Do I need to clear my head? Do I need to fill it? I don’t know what it is going to take to pull myself through. Will that happen when I run out of money? I can grab a notebook and write down my plans, step by step, and read all of the uplifting quotes that I want and yes, I will fill myself with hope and a little bit of ambition but I will tell myself that I will do it tomorrow. First thing. Right at 5am. That’s when I’ll start grinding… then I play that game with the snooze button and let myself down the rest of the day.

Phase 1 of my lame Boss Up mission was Reimage. That was supposed to give me more confidence. It did, no amount of whining can take the air out of that right now. Phase 2 is Restructure. I’m really failing here. I need to make new habits. I want to create the kind of habits that winners have. Those actions are supposed to help me rewire my brain to think differently. Healthy actions = healthy thoughts. That was the big idea anyway. Am I doing my best? Absolutely not. Far from it. I immediately got addicted to a game and put in over a hundred hours into it. Then I continue to distract myself from it with Prosebox & YouTube & Wine. I’m not just a creature of habit. I’m a slave to it. My anxiety only gets bad when things are not going according to plan. When they’re not in my control. I don’t know how to not be in control I guess. Learning to relax is supposed to be Phase 3. I used to be able to do it. Let things go that I did not have control of. I called it the hair flip. If something was causing me some upset or drama I would ask myself if it was going to matter in a day’s time, a week’s time, a year’s time or a lifetime and the answer was always no so I would just flip my hair and get over it. Ain’t no thing. This current state of mind is not helping me one bit. I’m so stressed and depressed and anxious and I’m struggling to take care of myself and now my skin and my body are on the fritz again. Why can’t I just do it? I guess this is the burden of being a Capricorn. The goat with the fin wants to climb up a mountain but it’s anchored to the sea…

I feel a little bit better whining like a bitch here. I have a road here completely clear of snow and I absolutely need to go for a run. I hate using the word need but damn. I’m so anxious right now. I’m totally winging my Boss Up Mission here. I think one of the phases that I should be doing is Reality Checks. Face my problems. Look them dead in the eye instead of hiding from them. Be real and raw with myself about everything. I can’t hide inside of a bubble or live in my head anymore. I need to keep myself grounded. I’m at rock bottom. I need to be real about that. That doesn’t mean that I have to cry about it. I just need to look at myself and this situation, own it and pull myself up. So yeah… I’m not going to have a job tomorrow, I’m not going to have classes next week, I’m not going to be moving into a new place but I can have applications out there tonight. I can at least do that… my heart just dropped thinking about it but it has to get done anyway. Ready or not. I need more courage damn it. I’ve been through worse hell in my life and I’ve had actual situations to be afraid of… I can open a damn web browser and send people my resume ffs. Why am I so bitch?

K, I need to stop trying to be a Kardashian. I’m not going to have a million-dollar head start here. I am going to go for that run. Eat some damn food, drink some damn wine and open up my budget book. I’ve been too scared to face it. I can’t keep pretending that my money isn’t running out. That reality check is going to hurt, it is going to devastate me and shake me to my core and upset me and break me but that should be the fire that I need lit under my ass to apply for a crappy job. My resume is dope, my interview skills are dope and if I don’t get hired or if things don’t work then that’s okay. I’ll learn how to accept rejection. I’ll learn how to grow from failures.

I feel like I am Shia LaBeouf screaming at myself right now.... trying to give myself a pep talk… a TedTalk… a TomTalk because I am tired of putting the Tom in Tomorrow.

Last updated October 15, 2019