Nice, Not, News in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

SO:

Some nice things?

EDITED AT NOON
Extra good thing? Wife just got back her first Chemistry test. Chemistry being the class she often spends hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours doing homework for. SHE GOT A 98/100!! So… good on her! I think she needed this win to show her that she CAN do it!
EDIT ENDS

Wife got her genetic test back. She is NEGATIVE for the super cancer gene. PHEW! Now, she is certainly at a higher risk for breast cancer due to the fact that both her mother AND father had breast cancer but at least she’s not “genetically certain to get it”.

Last night, I really embraced some truths. I’m a homeowner, with a good job, good salary, good family, stable economic safety nets, no visible scars, no criminal record, no crippling debt, no life destroying addictions, and no children. BUT FOR the fact that I have a bit of a gut and my B.M.I. score says that I’m technically obese… I’m a catch! And I announced that. I told Wife that I realized I’m a catch. And she agreed! So… that’s something. We’ve gone from (early in our marriage) heaps of criticism to her actually openly stating that yes, I am a catch. AND THEN SHE SAID “And if we do get divorced, I’m still going to try to be worthy of a catch like you.” So… I’ll take that as positive. As words of affirmation is one of my two primary love languages… yes, I need that and yes, I’m going to accept it without questioning motives.

And at that moment, I realized that we also fight a lot less than we used to. YES… I’m still super unhappy that my marriage lacks physical intimacy… and you can feel anyway you want to about that… but it is like music… just because YOU don’t like KMFDM doesn’t mean you get to be mad at ME for liking KMFDM and my wife sure as hell knew I liked KMFDM before we got married.... so yes, that is still a massive, super, gigantic, flaming red ball of an issue in our marriage. BUT I am also choosing to appreciate the positive signs here. Less fighting, more communicating. Less criticism, more support. Less hours of her crying or flying into a rage, more her hyperfocusing on homework or helping around the house. THESE are positives. Not to mention that she has her first appointment with the local therapist today. THIS IS GOOD. It isn’t an “Over Skype” “Help me with my career” therapy. It is an in-person, help me with life and my emotional struggles therapy. So… I’d say right now? All things considered, we’re in an okay place.

THAT BEING SAID if we reconvene at couple’s counseling in November and Wife’s position is “I just don’t think sex is all that important. I don’t see a need to have sex more than once or twice a year”… then we’re going to have an uncomfortable conversation. Because that is not how I see sex. We’ve discussed this exact thing before. We even discussed it before we got married… because I’m the type of person that wants things like this discussed before a lifetime binding contract is signed. Sex is important to me. It is a very special, meaningful, unique connection that I am legally and ethically not allowed to share with anyone else while I am married; unless a specific and clear agreement is made altering the original agreement. Sex is, at least temporarily, one of the best stress relievers and In The Moment activities I am aware of and nothing cuts through the bullshit of my mental mess like just being there IN THE MOMENT during sex. It sounds strange to say, but it makes me feel human in a positive way… it cuts through all of my higher function ethics, morals, job, decision fatigue, compassion fatigue stresses and bullshit and makes me feel just… like a person. Sex is a total mind, body, heart, spirit activity for me and rejecting a sexual relationship with me… is rejecting an intimate relationship with me. Intimate in this use not being euphemistic for “sex” but intimate in its proper form: belonging to or characteristic of one’s deepest nature, a close personal and private association with another. So… yeah. That’s still something “on the table.” If we arrive at Couple’s Counseling and she doesn’t see “the point” in sex and/or doesn’t care to have a sexual relationship with me… then I have my answer, despite all of the positives.

THROWING THIS MOMENTUM TRAIN INTO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLACE:
I have to confess, I’ve been a shitty internet friend of late. And considering that my life now requires that most of my friends ARE internet friends… I suppose I should just say, “I’ve been a shitty friend of late.” I’m not regretting or making excuses or even asking for forgiveness. I’ve been busy. I have a full time job in a stressful, emotional, and mentally challenging discipline. I have weekly therapy in an attempt to stay emotionally and mentally up for the challenge. I’m in a play that takes no less than 10 hours a week. It is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I’m a Domestic Violence Prosecutor, so I have speaking engagements and the like. Plus, I have a 10 month old puppy that needs attention and love and walks. So those rare moments where I am not otherwise engaged, I hope people would understand that I am going to spend those moments either in quiet meditation or numbly staring at a TV screen enjoying a movie, video games, or the fine programming on NBC’s Thursday Night Line Up.

That being said.. I’ve gotten out of the practice of responding to notes and it has been a long time since I’ve read anyone’s entries. Even my closest of friends, which is rare for me. So… if I’ve gone “silent” as a friend, that’s what is going on. I’ll try to do better but we’ll see what I can manage for the next few weeks.

Last updated October 11, 2019