See Me With Them Hands in Current Events

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was to leave the house last night. I almost had an actual panic attack. I kept reminding myself that excitement and worry are the same experiences in the body and the rest of it is all in my head. I just need to turn off that cacophony of voices that are telling me that I’m not good enough. I broke in my snake print Chelsea boots, not made from actual snakes, and my zebra print shirt, not made from actual Zebras lol. In my mind, I was serving London twink realness lol. I knew that I was going to stand out but I didn’t let myself overthink it. When we got to the social almost every guy there was wearing flannel and a baseball cap. The rest were dressed by their girlfriends. I got a little self-conscious that I was serving up something different but I didn’t let it get to me. I’m bossing up. There was only one other person of colour there which didn’t help me feel less self-conscious. That other POC was non-binary I think. They looked like a VSCO girl, their style I mean. They were just living and having a good time and I wanted to introduce myself but I didn’t. I had fun though. Lots of eye candy for Kyle and Evan, I don’t have that fetish for straight/masc looking guys. I prefer somebody a little more polished. I don’t really have a type. I’m just attracted to guys who make an effort but that’s just me. Masc or fem, thin or thick, black or white I don’t really care. If they put an effort into how they present themselves that catches my attention. The topic came up last night and I didn’t have an answer so I think that is why it is on my mind right now.

When I got to Kyle and Evan’s I thought that they were trying to mess with me because I learned that Evan started to get involved in politics and I made a joke about Kyle being the first lady and they explained to me that they are not actually dating anymore. They’re just friends and roommates. The sky is blue, Caucasians love Weezer and Kyle and Evan are going to be together forever…? I don’t understand this new reality. Then they told me that Larysa is engaged and she showed up without a ring on it. Nothing was adding up. Everything turned out to be true though. Her ring was being sized. So much happened in the last few months and everybody with a Facebook knew this lol.

So this is the awkward part. Evan has always been thirsty for me. Now he is available and I could see that he was crushing on me hard. It looked painful for him lol. He’s a little pretty and I always loved the attention that I got but he was taken so it was harmless but now it’s different. He kept his hands off me for the first time. I feel like, a hookup situation is inevitable one day. I don’t think that would affect my friendship with Kyle but I dunno. It doesn’t feel worth the risk.

I crashed at their place last night. I came straight home when I woke up. I have to get dolled up for a wedding now. I have to go find a wedding card and get a presentation together also. I just want it to be tomorrow already. I’m so mad that I have a zit. I did everything right to make sure that my skin looked perfect this weekend. I don’t deserve this lol. It’s also raining and it is going to stay raining all day. It’s raining hard. I don’t want to be walking around downtown ruining my expensive blazer and shoes… I kept hydroplaning on my home this morning. Toni has the whole day planned out and it involves me driving around downtown. I hate people who don’t drive. They don’t understand all the little things. They’re never ready when you pick them up. They live somewhere with no parking and then tell you to come in when you get there? They don’t understand how annoying it is to find parking. They give the worse directions. I will park blocks away to avoid that stress and my friends are like “omg I’m wearing heels and you need to respect that. Drop me off at the door.” I’m not your boyfriend sweetie. This entry will triple in size if I keep complaining about this lol.

I know how emo it looks that I scratched my face out. I don’t want to look at me lol. I’m excited that I get to wear this outfit finally.

I think that I am starting to struggle with my eating disorder. I feel selfish because I really need my brother in law to fuck off because the imaginary pressure that I am feeling is suffocating me. It’s like I am starving myself to feel better. Like, that’s fucked up. As soon as I realize this I try and eat which is a super emotional experience because I just do not want to do it. I’m eating an apple right now and I feel mad at it lol. I’m so stupid. I think that I am still in control of this so far and I just need my brother in law to go back to work. Tomorrow I think he does? Then I will have the space that I need to tackle the real problems in my life and I will be able to enjoy eating again. I can make Tom great again lol. I did not know that I could have a problem like this at this stage in my life. I’m so embarrassed. I look in the mirror and I can see that all of the gains that I had are melting away. My ass better look good when I put on my dress pants later. I need it to flirt with people when I’m not looking. Maybe I’ll do a leg workout when I’m done this entry.

I’m done this entry. I’m not doing any workout.

PS
All those nerves that I had last night just hit me again. Fuck I don’t want to gooooo :(

Last updated October 06, 2019