My Inner Freak and Emo in Current Events

I’m not that surprised to discover that the current source of my anxiety and depression is my brother in law. He is not doing anything to provoke it. I just feel tension for no reason. I find myself waiting for him to leave town again so that I can breathe. I feel guilty about it. Literally I feel like I am just hiding and trying to stay out of his way. When he is around I feel vulnerable because I am insecure about the fact that he let me move in here so that I could get my finances on track and here I am undoing all of the hard work that I put into it in the last few years… I’m getting flustered just typing about this. It must be the existential dread that I have been hiding from. Unprocessed feelings give me anxiety and depression, I know this and I don’t always figure out what that dread is. I’m very good at burying it alive somewhere in the back of my mind where it goes toxic and starts affecting my choices. Now what to do with this information? Ugh. I can’t even open up my budget book or my day planner that has all of my goals in it. I really am hiding. The solutions are all simple… just not easy. I’ll just listen to my weird playlists and meditate on it or something.

I like this playlist, it’s moody. It makes me think of the beginning of Autumn. I like this image that they used in this playlist also. It’s from an Agnolo Bronzino piece called An Allegory of Venus and Cupid. This woman in the painting is called Jealousy and nobody knows her story. It is believed that the painter is showing the ravaging effects of syphilis. I’m not an art student or anything, I just like to google random things. You know how we stick our pinky fingers out when we want to pretend to drink something all fancy? Well, apparently that’s how the posh french folk used to subtly let people know that they had syphilis. It was a “don’t hit this, I’m being ravaged by a sexually transmitted disease” warning.

I like this playlist too. Maybe more. Can you believe that I looked up witchcraft to see what it is all about? I wanted to buy a crystal pendulum as a result and start dabbling. It was explained to me that the pendulum lets your subconscious come through when you are stuck on a question. It will tell the pendulum where to land.

While I’m talking about my inner freak, if I was to ever live my full Halloween Costume fantasy it would be Blind Meg from Repo! The Genetic Opera. This was my favourite moment from the movie:

Sarah Brightman had so many looks in that movie and I would aim for this one. Her final scene.

I mean, that is IF I was to ever actually live out my FULL Halloween Costume Fantasy. My tastes are all over the place. You would never guess that I was actually living my best life this morning listening to my queen Gwen Stefani. God, I love her music so much. Every other gay can have Britney and Beyonce… whom I also love. Amy Lee was totally my queen growing up too!

Omg while I’m in my emo memory lane here I remembered this song by Neverending White Lights with Dallas Green. I’m so used to be wrong so put me where I belong. True story, Dallas tripped over my long legs at a concert.

And this one! It was so beautiful. I was the original e-boy. I struggled with being somebody that the world hates. A gay man. A first nations man. My angst was so embarrassing lol.

Has anybody heard the Queen of the Damned Soundtrack? One of the absolute best in my opinion. My second favourite is Grease lol. I really am all over the place. I wanted to lose my virginity to Placebo’s - My Sweet Prince

Some honourable mentions of songs/artists that I loved during my emo moments.
Sinead O’Connor - Troy
Bjork - Play Dead, Bachelorette, All is full of love, I’ve Seen It All
Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely, Street Spirit, Paranoid Android
Tricky - Bury the Evidence, Dear God, Excess, Hell if round the corner
Marilyn Manson - Race the Speed of pain, Suicide is painless, sweet dreams
Alanis Morissette - Forgiven
Portishead - Half Day Closing, Western Eyes, Roads, Sour Times
Drowning Pool - Tear Away
Kittie - Brackish
T.A.T.U - 30 Minutes
Mindless Self Indulgence - Straight to Video, Shut Me Up, Faggot
Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Midnight Radio
Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue - Where The Wild Roses Go
The Used - Blue and Yellow, On My Own, Poetic Tragedy
Steve Earle - John Walker’s Blues
Saliva - 800
Tool - Schism
Holly McNarland - Numb, Beautiful Blue, In the Air Tonight
Delerium - Silence, Innocente, Wisdom, Heaven’s Earth
Robert Miles - Children
Madonna - Frozen, Nothing really matters, Nobodys perfect

Does anybody remember this absolutely stunning moment from Ghost Ship?! I was so obsessed with the song.

There is a song about John Walker up there by Steve Earle. I don’t think anybody knows who that is. It’s ok. It’s 9/11 related but I also remember this song from that time also. A Reggae Orthodox Jew? I love this song to death.

Anyways, I should go be emo now. Maybe watch Interview With a Vampire as I do every October. My brother in law will go back to working out of town by the end of this weekend. I can breathe and figure shit out from there if I don’t find a way to do that sooner. I also have a social tomorrow and a wedding on Saturday. I might accidentally pull a Kylie Jenner and outshine the brides at this wedding but oh well. These people know how I come through.