Lost all selfie control again in Current Events

I think that I manifested attention. I was thinking about how I learned who is there for me since I lost my job. Next to no one. Then suddenly my friends are starting to reach out to me. Checking in on me and stuff. I got invited to go to a social with the boys this Friday. It should be a lot of fun. Not too much fun because I have to get to Ashley’s wedding the following day. My social anxiety is already triggered but I’ve pushed through it a million times so I just got to remind myself that I will be fine. I can’t shake the feeling that I have something else coming. Something else that is going to manifest. I’ve been seeing all of the signs. I don’t know if it will be good or bad but it’s usually something that I need. Kind of like how I manifested losing my job. I needed that. At the back of my mind right now is that my roommates are going to give me an ultimatum and kick me out so… we’ll see. I’ve been paying my bills and pulling my weight so I don’t think that I have been a complete burden. Maybe I should just tell them that I am aiming to move out in the spring. Toni might be losing her job so we have to wait.

Yesterday my roommates left town for the day. Matt works with his stepfather and they won’t be in town for Thanksgiving so they had their dinner yesterday. I was planning to job hunt online but I wanted to have a party for one instead. I had a good old fashioned selfie sesh. As Gia Gunn once said: I’m feeling my oats, I just want to feel my oats let me feel my oats. That wasn’t all that I was feeling. Is this entry about to get naughty? No! I started to feel depressed. I started to feel insecure. It wasn’t too heavy but I’m human and it happens. My selfie game is on a different level, yes, and I edit the fuck out of them, yes, but I really started to hate my face and my body in that process. I’m such a person that way. Also, my body usually looks kind of good after a few rest days post-workout but I have been drinking a lot of beer the last few days and I couldn’t believe how that seemed to erase everything. Lesson learned… even though I already knew that it could happen.

Last year, on October 4th I deleted all of my content on Instagram and I deactivated my Facebook. I can’t believe that I went a year without social media. I mean, I still view content on IG but I don’t have a strong presence on there whatsoever. The way that I felt while editing my selfies yesterday was nowhere near as bad as how I felt a year ago when I was trying to get clout on IG. Facebook was its own monster. So much hateful content and constant bickering and I just had enough. I couldn’t read the I’m not racist but I’m racist stuff anymore. As Laganja Estranga once Said: I’m feeling very attacked! I told myself that I would return to social media once I felt that my fragile little mind could handle the toxic environment. I’m not there yet. Apparently, I’m still a little vulnerable and I’m okay with that. I do miss that high when I got likes and comments though but I’m learning to grow my self-esteem in the old fashion way. Hooking up with strangers… kidding! No D no shade. Oh, I lowkey miss the hype that I used to get whenever I changed my profile picture. It’s like they know I don’t look like that in person right? I sound so selfie-absorbed, so selfie-obsessed like I have no selfie control and you know that I’m about to post them shamelessly like an attention whore…

I kept my clothes on for most of them! Can you believe? Ever since I decided to embrace my masculine side I lost the confidence to express my style. It’s not “manly” and it’s “too gay” to doll up, in my mind. Masculinity is kind of toxic that way. If it isn’t manly, it’s stupid. Literally, I don’t wear any of these clothes in these pictures here in public. Not yet anyway! I just don’t get out enough and I am reimaging myself right now so I can’t let myself hold myself back. It’s part of my Boss-up mission after all. The suit with the mandarin collar is what I am wearing to the wedding on Saturday. I look so chic. I woke up missing my long hair this morning but I needed to do the gay thing and handle my crisis with a makeover. Hair is like a battle helmet (hats, caps & hijabs etc are included!), makeup is like war paint & clothes are like battle armour. Gives some of us the confidence to face the world. We’re all born naked and the rest is drag. If you can’t put your best foot forward put on your best shoe. There is no shortcut to a dream and yes, it’s hard to chase your dreams in stilettos but as RuPaul once said: Sissy that walk.

RuPaul - Sissy That Walk
Pick myself up, turn the world on its head
Don’t forget what, don’t forget what my mama said
People talking since the beginning of time
Unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind

And if I fly, or if I fall
Least I can say I gave it all
And if I fly, or if I fall
I’m on my way (I’m on my way)
Now sissy that walk
-RuPaul

I really like this one! It looks almost legit. If I had a need for a profile picture this would be it. I almost look approachable.

I’m feeling a little hungover today. My anxiety has been flaring up and I failed to notice that I was starving myself to get comfortable yesterday. Such a weird thing to try and explain. Anxiety hits all the nerves in my stomach and it hurts. When I’m starving I’ll just feel that one sensation which is far less uncomfortable. I don’t even catch myself doing it. I found an old candid picture of me from when I was severely underweight. I was only eating when people were around back then. I always thought that an eating disorder was just about body image but it’s not. Every case is unique to the individual. I thought that I was in control until I finally collapsed. I didn’t tell anybody and I didn’t even label what that was for myself because I didn’t understand it. That was during the Roarke saga of my life. I don’t expect anybody to remember those OpenDiary entries but my word I was such a me monster back then. I hid my body under layers and layers of fabulous clothes. I watched Shane Dawson’s interview with Eugenia Cooney and I learned that I might have struggled with an eating disorder once or thrice. So anyway, the moral of the story is that I am hungover because I drank on an empty stomach like a noob.

Anyway, I should go put on some essential oils and go get good with god (Ganesha) and get my life together. I’m aiming to make no bake pumpkin pie breakfast bars today or tomorrow. Like, I’m actually creating my own recipe. It’s going to be in season, it’s going to be delicious and nutritious and all the boys gone eat it! It’s going to be the bomb.com.ca.uk.org or a complete failure lol.