The luxury of being miserable. in Current Events

In my last entry, I mentioned how I love quitting. Later on in the day, I thought about how misery can become a “happy place”. I remembered all the times in my life when I was absolutely miserable. I think I lowkey must of loved it. I loved being miserable because I got to soothe myself. Bad day? Get drunk. Bad mood? Eat like garbage. Bad anxiety? Buy myself something pretty that I can’t afford. Bad moment? Light a cigarette. Bad attitude? Bitch and moan until people try and comfort me. I got to enjoy all the guilty pleasures without the guilt because I made excuses for it.

My friend Mel, she was the most toxic human I’ve ever met. It was so hard to be around her but I always felt like I could relate to her because she was always so miserable. It was one of those I overeat because I hate my body and I hate my body because I overeat kind of cycles that she was stuck in. She was stuck in a loop like that in every aspect of her life. She was always complaining about wanting to quit her drugs, about wanting to clear her debt and wanting to eat better etc and I exhausted myself trying to help her but she must have absolutely loved being miserable. She was getting high, sexing everybody, buying lots of pretty things, eating junk food all day and she did it all because it made her temporarily happy. Like a high. Then she would hate herself for it later because it was all stuff that affected her quality of life and made her miserable but she would always have a reason to do it all over again. I had a rough day at work so I didn’t feel like cooking so I went to two different drive-thrus. It was a long day so I wanted to relax and get sky-high. I was feeling down so I hooked up with a guy from Tinder. I’ve been feeling stressed so I treated myself and bought a new purse. Maybe she has a borderline personality disorder? Basically she self-sabotages herself so that she can enjoy all of those guilty pleasures without apologizing for it. That is absolutely something that I was able to relate to. I didn’t recognize it like this at the time.

There is a guru that I like, his name is Sadhguru. He is a rockstar to me. Anyways, one of his stories resonated with me. He explains how when people got sick in his day they were shackled to a wall in a cold room. Unlike today where they get the deluxe treatment. A warm cozy bed and all the attention that you could ask for. He explains how, as kids, we learn that being sick is how we get maximum attention. That we get yelled at when we’re being happy. Told to quiet down or whatever. So it’s become an incentive to be ill. I think that some of us when we are miserable we make it cozy, we get a lot of attention and so there is a lot of incentive to stay miserable.

Our minds have two faculties that us people with anxiety and depression misuse. Vivid memory and imagination. We use our memory to hang on to memories that hurt us, we get depressed. We create problems and worry about things that haven’t even happened, we get anxiety. Sadhguru explains how anxiety and depression is something that we do to ourselves. For most of us, he does understand that some people actually have chemical problems but the rest of us just have mental problems. Anyways! He believes that we can use those same faculties to turn it all around. I believe that too! I tried to help Mel on her journey but then I realized how I was just enabling her to stay miserable by giving her attention whenever she needed to bitch and moan and feel sorry for herself. I was tired of having to coddle her and tired of trying to make her feel better about her choices. I knew that she was just going to turn around and do the things that hurt her no matter what I said or did. It was exhausting… but the things that we don’t like about others are the things that we don’t like about ourselves right? So I totally realized yesterday how I actually enable myself to be miserable. How I set myself up to fail so that I can do the things that I shouldn’t be doing guiltfree. Well, more like to avoid the things that I should be doing. I’m not as bad as I used to be ever since I accepted that I am not the victim in my life but now I understand how I was actually the saboteur.

I’m all over the place in this entry. I’ll share the video of my boy Sadhguru explaining how we make illness so rewarding. (Mental and physical illness). There is no real point to this entry. I might be coming off as victim-blaming. However, I do remember what it was like when I used to blame the world for my problems. How I passionately believed that I was always a victim of circumstance. That I had little to no control of myself and my life and that I was always powerless. That my situations were so unique and special and that nobody could ever understand. I was dead wrong about all of it. I remember experiencing cognitive dissonance whenever somebody tried to empower me. I was like NO! You don’t understand! And then I would fight and explain why I get to be fucked up and get to make bad choices. Now that I’ve outgrown that I just want to help others break free from that mentality. Own their choices, get their power back. If I have to mansplain I will mansplain lol.