Winds Through Corn Rows in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I was really depressed on Monday.
I was really depressed on Wednesday.
I wasn’t as depressed on Tuesday because I didn’t have TIME to be depressed as I had 8 hearings.

But last night, I went to individual therapy. It wasn’t even really therapy so much as The Initial Intake… but it was amazing… and I realized why. How many people do you tend to talk to in a day? What do you normally talk about? What is “A week in the life of conversation” for you? Mine… sucks. I talk with Attorneys and Judges about scheduling and arguments. I talk with victims and defendants about the awful things that happen in this world. And at home, I talk to my Wife about how her homework is coming and what needs to be done in/for the house. That is my ENTIRE conversation week. And it has been like that for… too long. I know I come here but… I’m not dictating these words. And when I read other prosebox entries… it isn’t like having a conversation. It’s reading. I hear my voice understanding your written words all inside my head.

Actually talking to someone… especially someone who understands how isolating Small Town Life can be… was SUPER helpful.

Then when I got home? Wife wasn’t just sitting at her desk working on homework. Wife wasn’t sitting on the couch watching a horror movie. She was in the kitchen, cooking dinner, solo. AND it wasn’t a lazy half-assed skillet meal “just to have something to eat.” She actually used one of my healthy recipes… and then went an extra step and handmade a salad to go with it!

So last night was (1) conversation and healing experiences; (2) Wife engaging in the marriage by providing much needed assistance in an understanding and caring manner. DEFINITELY shit I needed.

Now, this isn’t me thinking “Hooray, everything is better.” I’m not that naive. Individual Therapy will continue. Couple’s Therapy will continue. And my eyes are still on the deadlines and doorways. The fact that Wife was helpful on two separate occasions this week isn’t exactly a marriage so much as it is “a friendly roommate helping out.” BUT… I’m willing to give credit where it is due.

THEN (how’s this for timing) when I got to work, the Community Theater Company e-mailed me and stated:
“We see that you e-mailed the Chamber last year looking for more information on the Community Theater. We are currently putting on a play for the November Season and are short one Male aged 20 to 40. If you would be interested in reading for the part, we would love to see you!”
So… community engagement and re-entering theater? Could be a plus!

THEN (more timing) I got an e-mail from Defense Counsel for my Jury Trial next week asking for a Plea Deal. NOW very important to realize… Defense Counsel asking for a plea deal and Defendant taking the plea deal are incredibly different things! This man holds fast to his innocence and I fully expect him to demand to go to trial. This isn’t so much a “relief” as it is a small crack of light coming through the door. But… I’m a dark optimist. I may think the world is a shitty nightmare place and that the human experiment should come to an end… but any ray of sunlight that falls into that dark world view is going to be treasured and cherished. This small crack of light coming through the door is at least enough for me to have a little hope. And a small pinpoint of hope in a dark world… is an important thing.