10 Second Break in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I’m in between things. I’m like a real attorney here, lol. Doing motions and hearings and sentencings and pleadings and suppressions. LOTS to do. And the ever present October looming in the immediate distance. I’m trying not to picture their faces. 4 girls under the age of 13… and I get the “pleasure” of asking them to recount to a room full of strangers how someone they trusted, someone they thought was a friend… took advantage of that trust. I say that I’m trying not to think about it… but clearly that is hard to do.

As to my last entry? I appreciate the support but I’m all talk. I’ve never had sex with someone besides my wife. Maybe it is time to change that. Maybe it is time to take more active steps to deal with that. But it’s me. I’m not emotionally, mentally, financially, or ethically capable of cheating on my wife by having sex with another woman. I mean… hell… I expressly, specifically chose not to have sex with women before I met her because I didn’t want to cheat on her. So… I’m not exactly likely to “get my dick wet” by someone who isn’t my wife. THAT BEING SAID… that’s why the Counseling and the Trying and the everything else is what it is. Because by the genuine honest clinical definition… I have been in a sexless marriage for my entire marriage. And when I put it like that… and consider how things are for us for the last 12 months… the time to wait is over. The time to take accidental maybe baby steps towards a healthy lifestyle is done.

I have individual counseling intake tomorrow after work. I’ll work on me. I’ll work on work. But I’m not working on the marriage anymore. As our couple’s counselor said… it is time for Wife to do some work on the marriage. We’ll see how much work she’s willing to put in.

On that note, I came back to a nice surprise after court. A message on my facebook messenger from Wife saying, “I’m thinking about you.” It may not be a lot. But it is a lot more than I’ve gotten in the last 8 years. The important thing (sadly) I keep in the back of my head… is this the “don’t leave and force change into my life” or is this the “I genuinely want to be a proper wife and love you”. THAT question can only be answered by time, determination, and additional work.