valerie, evan and. uh fuk. in 2019

so for those who don’t know. [although i have high standards so.]. valerie was my former mentor who quit on me by. ghosting me a bit over a yr. ago. no bash her all you fukin want i won’t defend her. [also i don’t like the woman...........well which. i didn’t before so.............]. cause i don’t think she deserves being. defended. btw. there are like. 3 people i feel this way about. no i’m serious.
i just. i’m angrier. about it then i was before. right now if she were to. hypothetically get at my mom and tell her she wanted us all to get lunch. i would say ‘no’. also i wouldn’t want her to think everything’s all ok when it’s not. cause no. ghosting is. a pretty awful thing to do to someone. esp...............fukin esp. someone who has depression. like me. like wow. no i don’t want. an apology from her no she doesn’t get. to hypothetically apologise. no right now. she only gets to tell me ‘you’re right. it was wrong and i was wrong to do that’ and that’s it. no sympathy no ‘oh i’m sorry’ no...........none of that. no take fukin responsibility. take some godamn responsibility. and i might not ever get that and right now. i’m not ok w/ that. and that’s ok. and maybe. she didn’t think she did anything wrong. she knew i had depression we’d talked about it once. and so i find it hard. to believe she didn’t see the connection. the other thing i’d tell her. is ‘no you go and think about what you’ve done’.
i know. i don’t open my emails but that’s no excuse for her to do what she did. i’ll check them to see. if i have any new ones. she knew. i only read the first line of an email. she could’ve. sent me an email via text and said either. in the subject line or the um. first line ‘i’m resigning as of........’ w/e date. but no. i got nothin. right and that’s what ghosting is.
i think. she thought she was protecting me by. not telling me. but no what she actually.........was doing. was insulting me by. by treating me like i was a child. i’m an adult lady i can handle it. i don’t like being talked about. around. if she was any kindof woman at all........she wouldn’t’ve handled things that way. [ooh that’s cold. yes. remember. i’m godamn livid. it’s unfair and cold but i’m. livid so.]. i’m not the type to ghost someone and in fact i don’t. but. in some ways..........way before that even happened. i wish i had. i wish i’d just not. cancelled on her the days we were getting together. so she’d know how it felt knowing what i know now. again. i don’t do that. no bc. i’m someone who wants to do the right thing even though. it doesn’t always happen. wow. but ya know. not everyone has the same sense of integrity that i do. um. and maybe. that’s not the world we live in. not everyone wants. to be emotionally responsible she clearly didn’t. right bc it’s easier. it’s like she’d never quit a job before. she had and i know she had bc. um. back when we were ‘working’ together. she’d quit her other job so. no i find it hard to believe. she ‘forgot’ or ‘made a bad mistake’. no she did that intentionally. i’d like to think she still cares and feels bad but right now. it’s hard to believe that. she doesn’t get another chance for the time being i don’t see why she should. a ‘mistake’ is when someone loses their keys or forgets their phone number. ya know? no. it wasn’t a fukin mistake i don’t buy that. and i won’t. and no one’s that busy. like cmon.
i learnt. even way before i met her. to not ghost people no bc i haven’t. at least i hope not. growing up from the time i was about 17. that was a rule you were going somewhere you either told someone or left a note. and i still do that to this day. i don’t think. she wanted to handle that big box labeled ‘responsibility’. yeah i’m not a shining example of that myself but i’m a lot better, then i used to be. yeah i don’t ghost. that’s the diff. between us. i’m. actually brave enough not to. like diana. she was brave too. that’s a reason people like her. wonder woman that ‘diana’. i’m a lot of things. but discourageous isn’t one of them. um. so obviously valerie. has something to work on. obviously i can ask. for her side but if i’m not willing or open to accept it then. there’s really no point so.

i’ll write about evan..........er in an upcoming entry. i’m a bit tired from this one so.

Last updated May 07, 2020