evan and um. in 2019

so. i still haven’t heard from evan. and i hate. that he doesn’t know. no i mean that he doesn’t know. we’re not friends. i can handle breaking my own heart: it’s his i don’t want to break. no but i want to do the right thing here. have i mentioned this? i feel like i have. which. is why i don’t want to go through his mom or Muriel Pat’s mom. anyway.
so i was thinking. about evan recently. it was rare to find someone like him. he was v. funny my mom’s funnier. he was really sweet. compassionate. and ya know he didn’t challenge me. and i don’t like being challenged. apparently. i don’t like when people disagree w/ the. words i use to describe myself. even if they don’t believe it. i want them to believe i. believe it. and he did. also. now this is more when it comes to mental health. so. um but. .......... that can be damaging. to a person i learned that. actually from evan. even. if there was something about me he didn’t like. or my actions [and there weren’t many things] he never. made an effort to change that. it was rare for him to mention it. he didn’t say much about my cutting or drinking or eating disorder. and maybe that’s bc we were friends or it depends on the person.........or both probably both. i would make a terrible interventionalist. bc i don’t get involved. ya know that ‘see something say something’ thing? yeah that’s so not me. bc i wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. i um. i don’t want people to be uncomfortable. usually. [i won’t say it doesn’t happen. but i don’t want it to. and i mean people i know personally.]. and some people aren’t like that. i um. i won’t call people out bc i. don’t like that. i won’t usually disagree w/ them. i guess. i, like him. keep people stationary, in a way. not changing. and apparently. esp. as of late. i miss that. he was a lot like me in that way almost. exactly like me which is weird. somehow. so. yeah i’m glad to have met known him. and i’m lucky to have. done so. he was. sens. he was. one of the most unique people i’d met in a long time. [sure there were things i didn’t. like but that’s not the point right now or of this entry.].
so. yeah.

Last updated May 07, 2020