valerie, protest and um. heroin. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

btw. never done hard drugs and don’t want to.
um. so what valerie did to me. was unfair. no um. in the ‘80’s in new york. people. would lie lay? down in churches in honor of those who’d died from aids. to not only. well honor them but also. in protest that this isn’t right and it isn’t fair and something. should be done about this. and i only know that bc of the show ‘pose’. omygod that show..........um. there was. the civil rights movement. the gay [er i mean LGBTQ. sorry] yes the LGBTQ+. rights movement. there were. all these movements throughout history. regarding protesting. a yr. after the stonewall riots. was the first pride parade in june 1970. [i’d go into the history but i already did that in june so.]. anyway. my point is. i want to do something physical and. and tangible to protest the unfairness of what was done. to me. call me an idealist well. i mean i am.
i’d say plate-throwing but i’m not a v. momentous person. same w/ rage rooms and apparently. they can have the opposite impact of what they’re meant. to do not always though. um s&m..........actually. and not sure i’ve ever written about this on here. but no s&m appeals to me. i know, that might not make sense considering i have ptsd. no but. and i don’t know a whole lot about it so i could be wrong. i don’t have much experience in. that area. but to me.........it seems one person. isn’t allowed. to do anything about what’s done to them. [wait er.........that sounds bad.]. no but i’m a person who doesn’t like not having control. in situations. and w/ s&m. i like the idea. of being in control. i don’t think i would actually physically do that.........and to me that sounds terrible. but yeah. it’s more the idea, of it understand. well..........and. well cutting is a physical, tangible thing and i quit that a little over 5 yrs. ago so. next month it’ll be 5.5. so i mean no.
so yeah. like i said i’ve never done hard drugs and don’t want to. [and if i don’t............well no. actually.]. but if i were. the type i’d want to. um get some heroin - now please understand. i’m not going. to do this - and set up the. items and. then take a photo of the syringe next to my arm. and send it to valerie. yes for shock value. yeah doesn’t feel v. good does it? cause hypothetically. she’d have no idea. yeah no that’s the point. but knowing her...........she’d be ‘omygod i need to tell someone’. so it wouldn’t have the desired effect. no. she doesn’t. it should be. ‘omygod. this is really shocking’. yeah. i know. just like her ghosting me was. Again. no plans of doing so.
please no judgement. thank you. i’m a little embarassed even typing. the above all out.