Let's Play in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Let’s Play Pretend, and let’s say I’m drunk. Honestly, the truth is… I’m not. Really. But In Vino Veritas is typically forgiven more than blunt honesty that may be contradictory or controversial. So… let’s play pretend and say I’m wasted:

I love my wife. I do. I really do. TO ME? She’s beautiful. Clever. Funny. Interesting. I love my wife. And that is why this whole current situation is so… fucking confusing!!!!!!!

From the perspective of I: I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work. I’ve moved all around the state of Iowa, taken jobs I wouldn’t have ever considered, done things that I may not have been comfortable with, and pushed hard the whole way. There is nothing I would not do for this woman because I love her, I married her, and I married her because I want her to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

However… this is a woman that… well, let me explain.

Today we had an interesting conversation. I asked her to really describe the ways she feels anxiety. Where is she anxious and how does that present itself. AND for her… it presents itself in a maddening obsession with herself. Whether she’s good enough, whether she is pretty enough, whether she is smart enough, whether she is capable… etcetera. Her anxiety presents itself as entirely self-focused. Thus, I attempted to explain to her… this is what I have come to understand about insecurity and attachment.

Avoidant Attachment and Insecurity stem from a place of “What can I do to protect myself?”
Axious Attachment and Insecurity stem from a place of “What can I do to improve the situation?”
Obviously, my personal bias is revealed there; but the truth isn’t that far off. Avoidant attachment is SELF-PRESERVATION FOCUSED and Anxious attachment is RELATIONSHIP-PRESERVATION FOCUSED.

We talked and… the truth is, not surprisingly, Wife doesn’t understand why I think we’re on the brink of divorce. After all, I’m a supportive husband who helps with housework, encourages her in school, and works hard to make this relationship work. She’s certain we’re fine.
Meanwhile, I’m certain we’re on the brink of divorce. After all, she’s not engaging in the relationship, doing the housework she would do whether she was married or not, and cruises through the relationship as though there was no work required. I’m certain we’re ending.

Clearly, this is an issue. And tonight, I tried to discuss it with her. I discussed Pennyworth’s brilliant insight. I discussed Stark’s intelligent counter points. I really tried to craft a conversation around what might help us understand each other.

And as I often come to realize..... we understand each other brilliantly. We understand each other in a way that Fiction Writer’s idealize. But that understanding… doesn’t necessarily translate to solutions. My wife understands that I find her beautiful. My wife understands that I would cross thousands of miles if it made her smile. My wife understands that I would do anything she wanted to bring her emotional, spiritual, mental, or sexual joy. She knows that and she is correct. But she honestly isn’t sure if she would or could reciprocate. She honestly doesn’t know if she can return that kind of affection or emotion.

And that uncertainty, at the very heart of our marriage, is what springs eternal. The idea that my wife does not know what lengths she would go to in order to protect our marriage… the knowledge that she is not aware of what actions or sacrifices would be “too much” to make our marriage work… that is why we are where we are. Because truly, if she could look at me and say she was only willing to put 20% into this marriage… I’d have my answer. If she could look at me and say, “I’ll put 60% into this marriage as long as you put 100%”… I’d have my answer. But right now!?!?

There is a beautiful woman who loves living off of my money, who loves my dog, and who is genuinely upset if we don’t sleep in the same bed.... and that woman is my wife. And yet… she does not want my romance, my passion, nor my sexuality. And thus… the confusion. Because a woman who wants me in her life? A woman who is happy to be married to me? A woman who believes that she is in good hands by being a part of my family? Shit, I’m not Jabba the Hutt. If you want to benefit from being family, by all means… I don’t mind. But if you want to go around calling yourself my Wife… I’d appreciate a little “matrimonial services” from time to time.

But then.... I still question that shit. I mean… honestly? No joke, no obfuscation, no spin, no lies. I honestly think that the MOST my Wife and I have EVER had sex in a single calendar year was 6 or 7 times. Now, I’m not saying I’m a score keeper. GEN. U. N. LEE. It is not exclusively about the number of times we’ve had sex.... but the number does still matter. I waited for this woman. She knows this. She knows that I saved vaginal sex (and anal sex, not that I’m ever to have it) for the woman I would marry. Fuck, I proposed to this woman the first year I met her.... though she said she knew I was playing because I’d never propose without a ring. She was right, in 2010 I took her to pick out the ring! Thing is… if the maximum number of times you’ve had sex in a calendar year is 7.... and you’re 40?!?!?!?! Then… wtf?

And THAT is my issue. My wife used to have a lot of sex. Fuck, I heard about DAN a lot. DAN had a big penis that even Shannon was envious that Wife got to ride so much. So clearly… at some point… Wife was loving sex. But oh no… as soon as she gets married to the bloke that comes from money and has a plan for his future… that’s when the sex needs to stop.

BAKA!

That isn’t fair to her. I’m just.... fucking processing. But… GRRRRR and ARRGH… and FUUUUUUCK. Honestly. I spent my entire life saying no to sex and saying no to romance in the purest sense because I wanted to save that for my wife. Now, I’ve been married for more than 8 years and my sex life is a fucking joke. I honestly, genuinely, perfectly want to give my wife EVERYTHING I can. I want to be the guy that if my wife asks for a golden goose that lays golden eggs… I can give her that. And that’s what I was raised to be. But it took me until I was 35 to realize what I was forgetting this one thing. If you give someone EVERYTHING and don’t require them to give you anything.... than you’re fucked. You gave the prom queen a ruby worth $5,000 based on the promise of “being nice to you”. She gave you… jackshit.

Now… I know my wife isn’t doing this intentionally. My wife is intentionally being witholding because she hates herself. But isn’t that the nature of selfishness? Being so focused on one’s self that they care nothing about the perspective or needs of another?