Seeking in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Seeking a break from my “Child Molestation” reading. Hab a survey stolen from a fellow PB-er after some Meme-splosion. Oh… before the funny and the yay… allow me a simple statement of FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. This is exactly why I wanted to go through a child sex case with a State Attorney before I handled a County Level by myself. I may have entirely fucked up my first Child Molestation case. I may have fucked up the level of charge, I may have fucked up the use of an expert… rookie mistakes. And I know. First one of these for me ever… the very term ROOKIE applies… but that is unacceptable. These kids are counting on me. FUCK. Maybe I can… I don’t know. Maybe I can fix this somehow?!? Did the best I could in the fix. Also disclosed the whole thing to Defense Counsel. Because as I learned from my father I’d rather be fired for doing the right thing, then keep my job by selling my soul. I haven’t always followed that but I need to.

BTW- GO CLIMATE MARCHERS! I can’t believe we actually have to engage in a march with signs telling our government “Science is Real” but that is where we are today. FUCK YOU KOCH BROTHERS!

This is exactly what Google has been suggesting since my maybe-Therapist hasn’t responded to me.

STUMBLED ON A “MEMES FOR READERS” AND I MAY JUST SHARE ALL OF THEM! LOL

How often do you walk around barefoot?
Not as often as I used to, but I do it as often as possible when I am in my own home

When you eat take-out, do you just eat it out of the containers provided?
I typically do

How do you prefer to travel? Plane, train, driving?
I would love to try a train; but the Midwest Way of Travel is driving. Seriously. Come for a visit and you’ll see. Stop for directions. “How far away am I until I hit Dunkertown?” “Oh, not far. Not far at all. You’re just going to go East on Highway 20 then turn left onto 281. Shouldn’t take you much more than 3 hours.”

Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them?
Well… I would now, I guess, wouldn’t I?!

How often do you make your bed?
Typically I try to make (at least my SIDE of) the bed every morning. But that isn’t hard. Wife is still in bed, and usually the dog is still on the bed. So I just extract myself carefully and put the sheets back in place.

Do you carry condoms?
Not on me.

Would you date someone who has a hearing aid?
Of course, but we would have to discuss the hearing aid issue. Namely, you can’t take it out or leave it off just because you don’t want to talk to me.

If you were to be stuck on a deserted tropical island, how big would you like the island to be?
I’d prefer something like Bermuda. Water, plants, sizeable but not vast, and in a northerly enough area that the temperature wouldn’t absolutely kil me

How organized are the files on your computer?
Depends on which computer. At Home Laptop, mildly. At home desktop, atrocious. At work desktop, very.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
Only once for my brother’s bachelor party. It was… strange. Not even dancing and that is when I realized that there IS A DEFINITE DIFFERENCE between Pole Dancing and Strip Clubs and I would far rather support a Pole Dancer than a Stripper.

Have you ever brought home a stray animal?
I have not.

Did you have a childhood hero? Were they real or fictional?
Michael J Fox… but both in his real life and his fictional characters

If you are put on hold and the music playing is a song you know, do you sing along?
Yes, if not aloud then in my head

Are you physically strong?
I once was. Working warehouse before law school. But that has now been almost 10 years ago and I find that my academic and office lifestyle have not allowed me to keep at the same level of strength

Would you date someone with braces?
Yes, but I’d have to get over myself first. Not because of the braces explicitly but the only girl I ever dated that had braces was Aku… so I’d need to make sure it didn’t stir any fears or painful memories.

Does scuba diving interest you?
Of course. I was SCUBA certified in High School. But again, that was a long time ago.

Would you ever ask your parents for relationship advice?
I often do, honestly. I mean it when I say I’d like my marriage to work… my family wants it to work as well… we all love Wife. At the same time… it is really hard for all of us to watch someone repeatedly SELECT FOR misery, pain, anguish and to never ever do anything to help with that. We’ve provided every resource we can and… we’re still here. :(

Do you think people look up to you?
I hope so but I can’t say for certain

How often do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Almost every night though it gets better with the liberal application of one of two things:
(1) Alcohol or
(2) Sweaty early evening exercise

Can you drive a manual transmission?
Not really. I never had before, but the Dodge Challenger in Hawaii had manual AND automatic and I drove from the airport to the house in manual.

Have you ever re-gifted a gift you didn’t care for?
Provided it wasn’t going back to the person that gave it to me and I knew the gift was appropriate for the occasion.

Do you ever rehearse conversations before you have them?
All of them, all of the time, repeatedly

You notice someone staring intently at you, what do you do?
Look at them with a half-grin. If they continue staring, get uncomfortable and stare down.

Do you blush easily?
I didn’t used to. Probably still don’t.

Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often?
I’m not as CONSTANTLY ANGRY as I once was but I do get angry often. I can honestly say these days though that I get angry at other more often… it used to be me but then I went into Criminal Prosecution and… the shit I’ve seen!

Can you name five current world leaders?
I can name them, just not sure if I can spell them. Angela Merkel, Justin Trudeua, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Andres Obrador, Xi Xinping, Shinzo Abe, Emmanuel Macron, Kim Jong-Un, King Harald V… I… may watch too much news

When taking a cab, do you talk to the driver?
Sometimes. It’s hard for me to gauge which of them want to talk.

Do you like word games like Scrabble or Boggle?
I do!

Would you consider dating a psychiatrist or psychologist?
Yes, provided that we both discussed and respected the other’s job. Some psychiatrists don’t like prosecutors and (as a prosecutor) I can certainly say some of us don’t like them either.

What brought you joy today?
My dog. I say this with all sincerity… if you can love a dog as an OWNER, then you can understand the true nature of Unconditional Love. That little girl bites me, rips up shit around the house, disobeys, and gives me a hundred reasons a day to be upset with her. But I’m not. Which leads me to believe the reason loving a human can be so much harder isn’t that the human does things which annoy us or harm us or make us angry. The reason it is so much harder is because we expect them to know better or form better intentions or because we just… expect more of them in general.

What is on your mind right now?
Calorie Intake

Did you make any mistakes in the last 24 hours?
I genuinely imagine that I make a mistake every 98.2 seconds. One of the reasons why my Mental Health Beast is Anxiety

Do you ever sleep with the light on?
I strongly prefer not to, but it has happened on occasion.

Do you pray to Jesus?
I pray. Sometimes to Jesus, sometimes to The Father, sometimes to The Universe or The Powers That Be

What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks?
Shit, I’m not sure if I’ve been to a starbucks this year… maybe not even last year! I know I would go to one during law school but… not sure otherwise.

What was the name of the last beach you went to?
I don’t know if it had a name. It was while we were visiting Waimea

What color are your favorite pair of flip-flops?
Black. I have only the one pair.

Have you bought any new clothes for summer?
I have not bought clothes for myself in a long time. A long time. I do hope, genuinely, that after losing weight I may do so again.

Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard?
We do have a firepit in our yard but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bonfire pit

Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world?
I assume this is a clumsy way of saying, you have enough money to travel but the condition is that you can’t establish residency… if that was provided for me… I’d certainly have to consider it!

Are you in love with someone?
Yes and I actually find it irritating. Because it truly does feel like bloody unrequited love but I live with the woman and we’re married!

Do you know your next-door neighbor?
I know my next door neighbors to either side. At least as far as names, jobs, and recent history.

What’s something you have never done?
I’ve never visited the United Kingdom

Do you use a sunlamp?
No, I do not.

Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person?
I suppose I’d have to say Tiffany Number 2. I admire things about her but I would never wish to be her. I don’t need to jet around the world and live at Burning Man every year and club hop all the time into my 40s

Do you wish you were more of a free spirit?
I wish I were better at things. I don’t think being a free spirit would necessarily help with that

If you could change one thing about the last 24 hours, what would it be?
Tough to say. Either NOT asked for help on my case thereby not knowing where I fucked up OR asking for help first thing in the morning so I could get more immediate feedback on how Boss wants to go forward.

Are you allergic to any medications?
Levaquil

How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist?
Hi, I attended a law school where the Dean of Evidence, the very man that WROTE THE NEBRASKA CRIMINAL PROCEDURE, said Fibromyalgia doesn’t exist and is just an excuse for the criminal and the criminally lazy.

What worldview do you have?
Everyone feels pain in their own way, we all have our own scars

Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you?
Hell yes

If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to?
Technically, I think everyone should “come out”. Our sexual orientations shouldn’t be assumed because we shouldn’t be sexualizing children. I know, I know. Unrealistic Ideal. But to answer the question, I came out as “straight” or at least “straight-curious” when I was 12

What’s one thing you’d like to do more?
I’d like to be FAR better at my job

What’s one thing you love about life?
That we live in the version of our universe with good things. I know this isn’t the Ideal Version but… I’m still not convinced that it is the WORST Version.

Do you spend a lot of time with God?
Not as much as either of us would like

Name some people who have tried to kill you.
Aku. A defendant or two has certainly fantasized about it, I’m sure.

Who do you wish you could talk to more?
Lots of people. Life gets in the way too much

What is your greatest wish?
To be better at protecting everyone, better at solving issues, and better at being me

What was your style in high school?
Dressy

Do you wish you could have someone pray with you more often?
NO. I always hated praying with strangers or professionals. I’m a word-smith, B.A. in Religion, JD Attorney. You “this is a prayer i learned when i was 9 and still use” means nothing to me, sorry that I’m an asshole

When was the last time you had tomato sauce?
ACTUAL tomato sauce… been a while. Technically… you could argue that what we made last night was a tomato-based sauce.

What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t?
Have fun in High School and College. People had friends, went to parties, engaged in social lives. In High School, I was FAR too busy. Seriously, too many activities!! In College, I got slammed with pain unimaginable and had to figure out “Oh, chronic pain condition that will never heal just become manageable. Great. FUCK!”

Name something in your room that’s broken.
Likely some of my clothes and some of Wife’s shoes

Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously?
I… haven’t. In my defense the Male Birth Control Pill is only just now hitting the market.

Who is your personality twin?
I have never met mine. All for the better. Depending on which version of me it was, I’d either hate him, compete with him, or ignore him.

Name 3 celebrities you’ve been told you look like.
I’m told I look like other people but like locally… not celebrities. I am me

Which Mary-Kate and Ashley video was your favorite?
I never got nabbed by that fever. I was always super into Jodie Sweetin though. NotAshamed

What’s a common name that you hate?
The “aden” trend. Hayden… okay, sparingly. Jaden… okay, sparrngly. Aden, fine. But the fact that my hometown is now flooded with a billion Aden, Braden, Caden, Eayden, Faygan, Graydan, Haydan, Iandan, Jaden, Kaden… stop it. Stop it, for Christ’s sake, stop it!

Have you forsaken your childhood dreams?
For the most part. I wanted to be a professional actor more than I wanted anything else in the world. I figured, maybe… if I needed something more steady… I could become a lawyer and make a lot of money. Well… I’m not an actor at all anymore… and I may be an attorney, but I chose public service… not a lot of wealth to be found there.

Do you feel that anyone cares about you?
I know there are people that do. I know I can always go home. I just… I find going backwards to be a painful experience

Do people ever check up on you and ask if you’re ok?
Not often. One person might when they can… my folks or brother will if I haven’t made contact in a few months… but mostly people just “No news is good news”

Who do you go to when you want to ask someone for prayer?
I’ll ask my parents to pray for me. I know they do anyway but it is a nice non-confrontational non-informational way of saying, “I’m going through some shit and I need help but I’m not ready to talk about it”

…or when you want someone to talk to?
All I have for that is Prosebox and my mom. Not a great.... “go to” group necessarily. Nothing wrong with either, honestly… but… not exactly perfect for me considering my marriage and job. ESPECIALLY considering the job.

….when you want to ask someone for advice?
Almost always my parents or Prosebox. Damn… this makes me think the only real people in my life are the ones who brought me into this world and this Digital On-Line Community

Who do you wish you were best friends with?
I have a great best friend but I know he’d appreciate it if I was best friends with J. Michael Tatum! Which would be cool for all of us.

Do you own a camera tripod?
No.

Did you ever believe in mermaids?
I never believed in them as real animals… I believed that they were a part of the mystical fantasy pantheon of a similar nature as to Thor, Zuess, and Centaurs

…in fairies?
See above.

…in Santa?
See above.

Have you ever purchased alcohol?
(Have to say PretendMulling had amazing answers to questions like this!)
I have purchased alcohol. Quite a lot in fact.

What do you miss about college?
Proximity. And passion. Back when we were first dating, Wife really did act like she loved me. She’d surprise me on campus, or swing by to say hi, or do something to let me know she was thinking about me. That’s the girl I proposed to. Just… wish I’d seen her recently.

What is your newest hobby?
Walking my dog

What gives your life meaning?
Honestly, nothing. For it to have meaning there should be something that lasts. Nothing I do is something that lasts. I am the Incredible Impermanent Man